


two ghosts

by AlaskaAustralia



Category: TWICE (Band)
Genre: Angst, F/F, Grief/Mourning, Healing, Heavy Angst, Hurt/Comfort, Saida Family, Side Seulrene, side michaeng
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-01-20
Updated: 2021-02-24
Packaged: 2021-03-18 21:09:22
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 5
Words: 48,192
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28873623
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AlaskaAustralia/pseuds/AlaskaAustralia
Summary: A Girl wakes up alone one night in an empty house that was both familiar and unfamiliar to her. As time passes by, she meets its inhabitants and finds that the house, with all the little things that make it more of a home rather than a simple house, has more stories to tell than she had initially thought.The mini SaiDa family AU about loss, grief, and acceptance - if only one is brave enough to do so.
Relationships: Bae Joohyun | Irene/Kang Seulgi, Kim Dahyun/Minatozaki Sana, Myoui Mina/Son Chaeyoung
Comments: 15
Kudos: 40





	1. The Girl

**Author's Note:**

> I've had this idea since I finished The Haunting of Bly Manor way back in October and when I was missing Dahyun's dog at the same time, but it remained as just that - an idea. That is until Dahyun posted those beautiful pictures with him last year, and then Sana went on to talk about Bly Manor on Bubble and everyone just kind of exploded at the gayness of it all (lol).  
> This one's inspired by the gloriously written episode 8 of Bly Manor, which I think is one of the best episodes ever to grace television. Title taken from that classic albeit underrated song by none other than Harry Styles (Stylist? Hahaha).  
> Unbeta'd. Please forgive any errors and hope you enjoy!

The Girl woke up to an empty bedroom. The light was out, the blinds were shut, but the reflection of light emanating from the satellite in the sky escaped past a small gap in the window – just small enough to light up the room. It was night-time, she observed from the bed on which she laid, which was rather too big for someone to be sleeping on alone. Slowly, she got up, letting the thick sheets that covered her fall to the ground.

She was naked, it appeared.

She turned to the side and walked over to a closet spanning an entire wall where she assumed some clothes would be available for her to use. It wasn’t that it was chilly. As a matter of fact, she barely felt anything. But she supposed she could cover herself up for a semblance of modesty.

Inside was a single set of clean underwear, a soft, mesh, black button down shirt hanging up on the railing, a neatly folded, washed-up pair of jeans, and a well-maintained pair of Chucks tucked nearly at a corner. She thought that this would do.

The Girl now took the time to roam around and inspect the rest of the room. It was spacious, and the overall colour scheme gave off a cozy feeling that would reel anyone in for a good night’s sleep. A mini bookshelf stood proudly next to a desk, and on the said desk were three pots of small succulents with equally tiny hats on them. There was also a notebook — or more like a diary, she deduced when she picked it up - and inside was the prettiest handwriting that she had ever seen.

 _But_.

She felt like she was intruding.

She put the notebook back down and went out of the confinements of the empty room – only to be greeted by a likewise empty home. The lights were out in the whole house. Almost devoid of all life.

“Hello?” she called out into the darkness, thinking that maybe the others with her were just asleep. When she received no response, she came to the conclusion that she was, in fact, alone.

Alone in a strange, dark house that was somehow both familiar and unfamiliar to her.

With the limited vision that she had, she cruised along the walls, trying to catch a feel of a switch that would make this exploration less difficult. It made her uneasy, though, being almost blinded and not knowing what might welcome her along the way.

Walking further on, she was finally able to make out an entryway that led to another room. And along the edge of the entrance, the Girl finally found the coveted switch that she had been hoping to find.

Immediately, light and colour filled the area, and now the Girl had an idea about where her feet had taken her.

It was a simple, modern living room with a modest-sized television mounted on a wall and a comfortable-looking sofa directly in front. Smack in the middle was a furry carpet dotted by neatly scattered bean bags and chew toys.

To the side, leaning against the wall were an electric keyboard and an acoustic guitar that were both starting to collect some dust. Next to them was a proud wooden china that enclosed various candles rather than porcelain. On the wall above the instruments was a portrait of a pair of girls carrying a small, white Maltese puppy cradled in the shorter girl’s arms. Almost like a family picture.

She walked closer, as close as she could at least, to the hanged portrait and took a good look at it. They were pretty, she had to admit. And looked like a very happy pair, judging by the way they looked at each other. The taller girl’s side profile was beyond beautiful with that sharp nose and those high, prominent cheekbones that ended in that sharp chin of hers. She had long, dark brown hair that flowed to her midriff and similarly coloured dark brown eyes and a scrunched-up nose that gave off a contagious sense of happiness. The first thing that she noticed about the other girl was her extremely fair complexion that almost glowed in the midst of the natural background with the winding path and the autumn-graced trees around them. She herself had long, straight, black hair and eyes that turned into crescent moons as she smiled widely and gummily at the girl next to her. She looked like she was laughing at whatever the taller girl was saying.

They looked happy. In love, even, the Girl deduced. And they had a great sense of style.

 _They must be the owners of this house_ , she thought. _A female couple? Well done._ She giggled to herself at the thought. Curious, she glanced at their hands but was disappointed to find nothing significant there except for the way they each gently held onto a paw of their pet as the shorter of the two carried him. _That explains the chew toys_.

As she roamed her eyes across the room, she was met with more of their photos in various settings. Some of just the two of them, a few individual shots, and quite a lot with who she presumed to be their family and friends.

When she was done admiring the happy faces that smiled back at her, the Girl found herself facing a certain corner in the living room which held a lone end table.

Atop was another framed photograph of a woman who seemed to have been caught off-guard by the photo as the sun set behind her, casting a pretty glow on her long, brown locks. _The taller girl in the other pictures_ , she realized quickly. _She is breathtaking._ Beside it was a tall, unlit white and purple candle and a paper flower that was beautifully crafted for anyone who would like to admire it.

In front of it all was a small, fragile-looking, glass container that housed tiny, green-coloured beads that gleamed rather brightly in her eyes.

Feeling rather drawn to it, she walked over to that corner, which was seemingly maintained as a sacred place, and bent down with eyes squinted when she noticed an inscription on the side of the glass case.

_泣いて暮らすも一緒、笑って暮らすも一緒_

•••

It was a few days after when The Girl realized that she was not exactly a living, breathing human being.

Not really, no.

It was more like she was stuck in between existing and being... she hated to say it but, well, _dead_.

It happened as she was passing by the wide, glass window in the bedroom.

It irked her, how nothing moved at the corner of her eye when she passed by. She took two steps back to do a double take and catch a glimpse of her reflection.

But instead she found nothing.

So she ran to the bathroom to look at herself in the mirror.

Yet _still_ , she found nothing.

The Girl felt her head spinning for a while at the odd turn of events. She leaned forward then and held onto the sink for support.

_(Strange. A ghost needing support? Who would have thought?)_

As she looked at the mirror where her reflection should be looking right back at her, it finally dawned on the Girl that all of it was, in fact, real.

It was _really_ happening to her.

That explained why she never felt hungry. Or cold. Or anything at all really.

She kind of just... _drifted_.

And so the Girl, after hours of contemplation under the shower, no matter how absolutely, splendidly surreal she found it all, decided to just let everything be and let herself be carried along the stream that is the in-between in this strange, lonely house that seemed to have a lot of stories that are yet to be uncovered by her.

•••

Hence began the endless cycle of waking up to the darkness and roaming around the hallways and falling back asleep when she felt like sleeping once again and – again – waking up to the darkness.

She did not know how long it had been already since the first time that she opened her eyes to the once unfamiliar bedroom, but at least now she can find the light switches fairly more easily than the first night.

If someone asked her to lead them to an area of the house with her eyes closed, she thought that she could probably do so without thinking twice. To keep herself preoccupied, the Girl resorted to taking comfort in the books in the big bedroom. At least the genres had a wide variety, thanks to the owner. She spent days and nights living in another time, another place, another person. Then when she was done, she would promptly put them back where she found them (in case the owner was the type to throw a fit when their belongings weren’t in order.)

But apart from that, nothing much had changed, really.

The house was still the empty house that she woke up in that first night and every night that followed after. No other person - dead or alive - came through the door to sit down and maybe have a chat with her.

Not even the owner of the house. Not even the puppy.

And this made the Girl realize that, even in the _not_ -nonexistent state that she was in, she, too, got lonely.

That was when she decided against all thought to just read the diary that she kept seeing from the corner of her eye.

She picked up the purple notebook with the faded, yellow pages, sat down in front of bookcase, and flipped the cover over to the very first page.

If anyone asked, it was boredom that made her do it.

 _Property of Kim Sana :)_ , it read on the bottom part of the page. _Don’t read unless you want to have a farty butthole!_ She laughed at the warning. What a person this Sana must have been.

She turned to the first entry and started reading.

> _Dear Sattang,_
> 
> _Is it okay if I called you that?_
> 
> _It’s a nickname that my friends from home gave me, and I thought, I’m talking to myself anyway in this notebook, so why not just give you my nickname?_
> 
> _I’m gonna be honest with u tho, I really just couldn’t think of any other name ㅋㅋㅋ_
> 
> _So today I started writing again because I met someone._
> 
> _Or should I say she met me._

The girl was taken aback when she realized that the journal entries jumped from Hangul to Kanji. This Sana was bilingual, and she was rather amazed by that. She continued to read about her day.

> _I was alone in the library cafe earlier when this guy started chatting me up even though I was clearly burying myself in coursework. He was getting a bit too persistent for my liking and was even taking up some of my personal space, can you believe it?! You know much I hate that, right, Sattang? So when I saw this girl in a mask and a black beanie in an oversized black hoodie carrying a tray with her order while looking around for a vacant seat, I raised my hand up in the air and shouted, “Yah! Jeongyeon-ah! Over here!”_
> 
> _You should have seen the look in her face, Sattang ㅎㅎ_
> 
> _She looked so confused but I did my best to smile cutely at her even though my eyes were all like oh please please just go along with this ㅠㅠ_
> 
> _And it worked, Sattang! It worked!_
> 
> _She got the message pretty quickly, plastered on a huge smile, and started walking over to my table while I immediately cleared my stuff for her, completely cutting off whatever the guy was saying._
> 
> _I’m gonna be honest, tho, Sattang....... I think I completely forgot about the guy’s existence as soon as she smiled at me ㅋㅋ she gay af_
> 
> _Then!!! After she placed her tray on ~~my~~ our table, she kissed my temple and apologized for being late!!!_
> 
> _I think I didn’t have to act anymore because!!! I got really giddy and started laughing._
> 
> _And the girl did too!!!_
> 
> _And then the girl manning the counter (i think her name was Jihyo??) had to go to our table to remind us to keep it down because oh yeah! We were in a library cafe!_
> 
> _So, fine, we quieted down but we were still laughing because we didn’t even notice that the guy already left us alone ㅋㅋㅋ So that’s when we introduced ourselves to each other. Her name was Dahyun and she was two years younger than me and was majoring in English. But because she was smart, we were both in our last year of university which I thought was.... favorable iykwim. She had an older brother and she loooves chocolates and she had the prettiest little chinky eyes I have ever seen!!_
> 
> _So to thank her..... I’m buying her chocolate cake again on our next study date. But maybe not in the library cafe anymore because we almost got kicked out again for being noisy. ㅋㅋ_
> 
> Mian _, Jihyo-ssi! Sorry!_
> 
> _So yeah! That was my day and i cant believe how giddy I still am right now even though it’s been hours since that happened and now Mina-yah’s asleep but I can’t wake her just because contain myself so instead here I am, writing to you, I guess. I don’t know why I feel like I’ll need it, but... wish me luck, Sattang?_
> 
> _Sana-yah <3_

•••

It was during one rainy night when she finally met _her_.

The Girl was sitting on one of the bean bags, perusing again through more of Sana’s entries (even though she had a push-pull relationship with that diary. She always reminded herself not to read it - invasion of privacy! - but some days... she was just too weak) when she heard a voice coming from outside the front door.

Alarmed, the Girl left the journal idly on the bag and walked closer to the door to take a look into the peephole.

But the person on the other side beat her to it.

For the first time in all her time of isolation, the front door opened.

And in walked a short girl with long, dark hair and side-swept bangs, pulling in a handful of luggage that were likely to be heavier than her.

When the stranger had managed to get everything in, she quietly closed the door and took a big breath before turning around and looking up.

The Girl had to gasp.

She was finally face to face with the shorter, fairer girl in the photos.

But there was something different about her, she observed in that short time. A sort of weariness that she couldn’t seem to comprehend right away.

Then, as if on cue, her eyes became glassy, lips quivering, as she started to move her feet. Carefully. Slowly. As if she was on thin ice.

Still amazed, the Girl followed her every movement with childlike curiosity until both of them finally stopped in front of _the_ corner.

The Girl could only watch as she fell to her knees.

And wept.

“I’m home now, Sana,” she said through broken sobs and trembling shoulders. “I’m home.”

•••

It took a while for her to calm down. The Girl wished that she could do something to ease her pain, but all that she could do was to run her hand up and down her back as she poured out all her emotions into the cries that she let out. All the time just leaning her forehead against the table. Broken on her knees.

She felt utterly sorry and helpless for the smaller girl in front of her.

Who only seemed to get smaller and smaller as she folded in on herself.

In that time, as the other one chanted Sana’s name over and over again in her sobs, it had dawned upon The Girl that the beautiful woman named Sana in the photograph was most probably the same Sana who owned the journal.

When the pale girl finally got herself to calm down, she laid down on the carpeted floor and curled up in fetal position as she held tightly on the beautiful photograph that was pressed against her chest.

Reaching for a bean bag she can use as a makeshift pillow, she looked up and paused when she noticed something lying there. “What’s this doing here?” she asked into the seemingly empty living room. “I thought I put it away it in my shelf.”

 _Shoot,_ the Girl thought. _I completely forgot about the diary._

With the remaining strength she had in her, the owner of the house reached up to take a hold of the prized possession that once belonged to the woman in the photo.

“How have you been, Sattang?” She gently asked the diary with that angelic voice of hers. Her tears started to fall once more as she turned one page after the other, but she was smiling this time.

Perhaps at the fond memories. Perhaps at the unique and lengthy way that Sana wrote down her thoughts. The Girl could only wonder.

She admired the way that the broken lover remained careful in handling the diary. She held it at a distance near enough for her to read, but far enough to keep her tears from marking the pages. As if the diary was a delicate little thing that would disintegrate to pieces at the slightest contact with her tears.

With a ghost of a smile lingering on her lips, she paused when she reached a certain page. Something that the Girl herself hadn’t reached yet.

Intrigued, she sat down next to her and, together, they read.

> _Dear Sattang,_
> 
> _I asked Dahyun out today. AHHH!!_
> 
> _It was soooo nerve-wracking, Sattang!!! I didn’t even know if she liked girls!!! But there I just thought, whatever, and went for it. Those were the longest minutes of my life ㅠㅠ_
> 
> _Okay so how did it happen?_
> 
> _I feel like i’m writing this down to both tell you about it and have something to gush about by myself in the future_
> 
> _OK, Sana, FOCUS!_
> 
> _Anyway, I think I’ve known it for a while now. Like maybe on our third study date? By that time I was lowkey flirting with her already and looking for ways to touch her. Anything! Like her hands, for example, as she wrote down her notes (to annoy her ㅋㅋ sorry, Dahyun-ah, if you ever read this). Her really soft cheeks, which I would know because I couldn’t stop pinching them and kissing when she’s not looking. Then she’d start to make this cute, annoyed face, which makes her eyes turn into thin lines and her whole face becomes contorted but it makes her even more squishy and ahh! Gwiyeooo aigooo~ ㅠㅠ_
> 
> _Wait, where was I?_
> 
> _OH YEAH_
> 
> _I ASKED HER OUT, SATTANG._
> 
> _We were out in Gwangjang Market because she wanted me to try some Korean street food so we went on a budget food trip and she fed me all her favorites and it was sooo heavenly. Both the food and her feeding me, of course ;) ;)_
> 
> _Then when we were on the bus going back home, she must have been so tired because her head kept swaying side to side while she slept, so I let her sleep on my shoulder. And it was. So. Soft. I felt like bursting anytime._
> 
> _I realized that I liked it. And it’d be a HUGE mistake if I didn’t do anything about it._
> 
> _But Sattang ㅠㅠ I was so scared because what if she turned me down right???? We never talked about the people that we liked!!_
> 
> _So we got off the bus at my stop. Dahyun-ah would always drop me off at my dorm first before going back to hers. We were near the university oval by then. And then I just held her hand and asked her to stop walking._
> 
> _She was looking at me with those cute eyebrows raised so high that I could have sworn she was scared of me._
> 
> _So I said fine we’re doing this and I said her name and took a deep, deep breath and just blurted it out._
> 
> _Then she burst out laughing, that pabo. Said I looked I was about to cry._
> 
> _And I did!!!! I was so scared!!! But she kept laughing at me and poked my cheeks and told me that I was so cute._
> 
> _And that, yes, she would very much love to go out with me, and then took me back home._
> 
> _She never let go my hand the whole time ㅠㅠ_
> 
> _Love,_
> 
> _Sana-still-shy-but-not-so-shy-anymore_

By the end of the entry, Dahyun was laughing through her tears and smiling fondly at the photograph as she ran her thumb across Sana’s face. The Girl found it extremely hilarious, too, though personally she thought that if she were in Sana’s shoes, she would probably be offended by the way that these two girls laughed at her misery right there. Even though one of them was _technically_ not a living girl.

Soon the tears of joy turned into tears of longing, and the smile was completely wiped off of the Dahyun’s face. Her lips were set in a straight line, eyebrows furrowed, and pain written all over her face. But at least she wasn’t hiccupping and shaking anymore, much to the Girl’s relief. Spent, the pale girl finally laid down on the carpet and let the tears fall until she finally fell into a deep slumber.

The Girl wished that she could do something about the tears that dried up on her face, but how could she when she can neither be seen nor felt?

So instead, she laid down beside her sleeping, broken form, swept away the loose strands of hair that might tickle her red, button nose, and rested her arm across her torso in hopes that it would keep her warm.

For the Girl, she thought that it felt nice to finally have someone to sleep next to after all this time of being alone in someone else’s house.

And for her, she thought that sleeping next to the small girl did the job. For the grieving woman, in all her broken state, slept soundly through the night and not once complained of the coldness of the evening.

•••

She found out the morning after that she was, as a matter of fact, the girl that Sana talked about in her diary.

Kim Dahyun.

Or sometimes, she was called Dubu. Dubs for short.

She learned her nickname during a phone call the next morning from a girl called Chaeyoung.

“Have you settled in yet?” asked the voice on the other end of the line.

“Yeah,” she replied with a bit too much enthusiasm. “I have everything unpacked already, too. It’s all doing well here.”

The Girl had to scoff. She thought she knew Dahyun pretty well already from how Sana wrote about her in her diary. What she was yet to mention, really, was that Dahyun was, apparently, a pretty good liar.

They were both still seated on the carpeted floor, Dahyun holding a phone to her ear with one hand, the other close to her mouth as she nervously bit on her nails.

As she _nervously_ looked around all the luggage that still remained at a standstill before them.

Each one unpacked.

“You sure?” She heard the tentativeness in the other girl’s tone. Oh, how she would have loved to have given her a hug for seeing (hearing?) through this pale girl’s lies. “I could come over to help...”

“No!” Dahyun was quick to refuse. The Girl raised an eyebrow at her. “No. I’m fine, Chaeyoung. Really. It’s all good here. Also it would be good to rest up for a bit.”

“Dubs...” She heard a sigh.

“You don’t have to worry about me, Chae,” she assured her friend with a sad smile though the other could not see it. “I’m okay.”

Another sigh. “It’s just...” She could picture the girl on the other end of the call. Pausing, maybe, to choose the right words. The Girl knew that she would have done the same. “It’s the first time you’ve been home in like six months since...”

There was a sharp exhale. She turned her eyes to see Dahyun’s ones closed tightly, lips trembling slightly, jaw clenched tightly. She took a couple of deep breaths.

That got the Girl wondering, as well. _Six months? I could not have possibly been around for six months already... right?_

“I know, Chaengie,” she replied as best as she can. “Thank you. For everything you’ve done for me.”

“I miss her too, Dubs.” There was a bit of sniffling on the other end as well. A voice cracking. “We’re all still grieving. We’ll do it with you.”

Dahyun was unable to contain her tears now. “Thank you, Chae,” she replied curtly. And with an impressively stable voice.

The air was silent for a while save for the sniffing coming through the receiver. Effectively drowining out Dahyun’s silent cries.

An extreme difference from the sobs that she let out the night before.

“Sorry,” Chaeyoung now laughed in spite of her weakened voice. “I should be the one comforting you. I - hey, baby, come here! Hold up a sec, Dubs.” In a second or so, Chaeyoung’s face flashed in Dahyun’s phone screen. The time she spent admiring and familiarizing the faces on the wall enabled her to recognize her as one of those that appeared more frequently in the pictures. Even in the childhood photos. “Look who’s here!”

Another familiar face came into view. The Girl almost cooed when she saw the new addition to the call.

“Ah-ri!” Dahyun smiled albeit still tearily. “Hi, baby. _Eomma_ misses you dearly.”

“Turn on your camera.”

“I’d rather not,” Dahyun replied with a small laugh.

She watched as Dahyun admired every little movement that the small dog made. Especially the way that his ears perked up at the sound of her voice. “When do you want me to bring Ah-ri back home?”

“Hmm,” she paused thoughtfully. “Tonight? Are you doing anything? I could order us some Chinese for dinner if you’d like to. You can bring Mina too.”

“Ah, shoot,” Chaeyoung said apologetically. “We can’t tonight. We’re having dinner with her parents. But maybe I can drop him off before that?”

“Sounds good,” Dahyun agreed with a soft nod. “I’ll see you then.”

“Yeah, see you. Say bye-bye to _eomma_ , Ah-ri! _Annyeong!_ ” Chaeyoung and the dog bade goodbye as she held and waved his paw at Dahyun. “Now go and unpack before I deprive you of one more day with your adorable son.”

•••

Dahyun was a rather strange sight to behold in The Girl’s eyes. Here was a girl who, some time after dropping the call, got up and went about her house to finally unpack her luggage. To the onlooker who preferred the superficial, they would see Dahyun as a calm and collected woman who was sometimes neat and sometimes not. But to The Girl who held the other all night in her intangible embrace, it was nothing else but a façade. And it was one that Dahyun was surprisingly skilled at in upholding.

Despite it all, though, the certain sense of sadness that she hid in hindsight could be seen perpetually if one would look closely enough. It was reflected in the distant look in her eyes. In the weariness in her thin features. In the lack of strength and rigor in every move that she made.

In the way that she always stopped to linger in front of the keyboards and look up longingly at a particular girl in the family portrait hanging over it.

In the way that her bottom lip would quiver and the muscle in her temple would tense as she stared mournfully at her.

 _Sana. Her name is Sana_ , The Girl had to remind herself.

Sana whom she had never met but felt like she had a strange connection with.

Sana whose story had gotten her wondering since the first day she chanced upon the that corner.

Sana whom she had already liked based on the way her cheeriness exuded from the words that she wrote.

She had so many questions, but she thought she would let her story unfold as the time ran its course. (Or maybe when she would stop fooling herself and just go for reading the damned diary.)

The doorbell rang, snapping them both out of their reverie.

A hand, and then two, frantically wiped over Dahyun’s tearful eyes. One deep breath. And another. And finally Dahyun was then passing in front of her to open the door to her visitors. Looking like nothing had just transpired mere seconds ago. 

The Girl heard a bark, followed by a melodious harmony of laughter. She took a peek just in time to see Dahyun being engulfed in a tight hug by the one by the door.

“I missed you, Dahyun-unnie,” they said, voice cracking. She pulled out of the hug and held Dahyun by her arms as she stared her up and down. “Have you been eating well? You’re like a skeleton, for fuck’s sake.”

Dahyun gave out a small laugh. “I missed you too, Chaeyoung-ah. Come in. I actually brought home some gifts for you and Mina-unnie.”

The two entered the threshold with Dahyun leading the way with Ah-ri in her arms Chaeyoung following behind. The Girl immediately recognized her as the same person in the call earlier and in the photographs she somehow memorized.

Chaeyoung was shorter than either of them but carried herself with a personality as big as the entire apartment itself. Her blonde hair was cut up to her shoulders and she had pretty eyes, The Girl thought. But like Dahyun, hers carried a hint of sadness especially as they scanned the images that surrounded them.

“Make yourself at home,” Dahyun called out to her as she put Ah-ri down. “I’ll just go get the things from the room.”

“ _De_ ,” she replied. The Girl followed Chaeyoung towards the end table at the corner where the beads never ceased to shine brightly in her own eyes. She watched as Chaeyoung picked up the large frame and held it tenderly with both hands, a lone tear betraying her attempt to look strong.

“Found it, Chaeng. It was – “

Chaeyoung and The Girl turned around on their heels to face Dahyun who stopped in her tracks carrying two big packages in her arms. Her eyes were transfixed on the photograph in her friend’s hold, but she was quick to stop herself from what it was that clouded her mind and instead plastered on a smile as she approached them. “Here you go. This bigger one is for you, and the other is for Mina-unnie… but I guess you could read that.”

Chaeyoung put the frame back down and accepted the gifts. “ _Gomawo, unnie_. Thank you for these. You didn’t have to, you know.”

Dahyun only shrugged with a tight-lipped smile. “It was the least I could do for you guys taking care of Ah-ri while I was gone.”

“Ah-ri is an angel. We loved taking care of him.” Silence enveloped them until – “How are you, unnie?”

The older girl squeezed her shoulder. “I’m fine, Chaeng. If not, then I will be.”

“Mina and I spend time with her every two weeks or at least once a month if our schedules are tight,” the blonde said as the pair stared at Sana. “With Ah-ri of course. He loves playing around there.”

This time, Dahyun smiled a genuine smile. The Girl felt her heart soar a bit at the sight, for some reason. “I’m glad. Thank you, Chaeng. As well as Mina-unnie.”

A brief _ding_ sounded in their ears. Chaeyoung took her phone out and immediately looked at the owner of the house apologetically. “I promise we’ll come visit you soon, unnie. Things are just a bit busy right now especially with Minari’s parents coming over.”

She only shook her head in understanding as she walked her friend to the front door. “Please say hi to all of them for me. Also, I’m looking forward to it. Let me know in advance so I can cook.”

Chaeyoung pulled her in for one last hug. “Come with us to visit Sana-unnie next time.”

The Girl watched Dahyun take a gulp, her hold on Chaeyoung tightening ever so subtly. “When I’m ready, Chaengie. When I’m ready.”

•••

For the rest of the night, Dahyun spent every waking moment fussing over Ah-ri. She never once let him out of her sight and would always fuss over him whenever they made eye contact. Ah-ri seemed to have missed his mother just as much, for he himself never left her side. Together they flipped through channels as they ate on the rug and as the mother spoiled her son with all the belly rubs that she could offer.

The diary that remained on the center tabletop caught Dahyun’s eye again at one point. With one hand on Ah-ri’s belly, she carefully reached for it and settled back against the couch right after. She leafed through the pages before pausing at an entry that caught her attention. The Girl watched the ghost of a smile forming on her lips, her tongue darting for a millisecond to wet them. For a moment there, she thought she saw a glint of mischief in Dahyun’s eyes.

“Wanna hear a bedtime story, Ah-ri?” The dog lifted his head up slightly to look up at his mom. “I think you remember this well, though.”

She patted her lap, which right away signaled the white Maltese to get up and settle there. The Girl, however uninvited, sat herself beside the two. Then, Dahyun began.

> _Sattang,_
> 
> _Today Dahyun invited me over to her flat for the first time._
> 
> _It’s the last day of exams for us both, and instead of going out like the rest of the student body, we decided to stay in for some homemade_ jjapaguri _and instant_ tteokbokki _while having a movie night._
> 
> _It was also the first time that I met her dog who, I swear on my parents’ and my grandparents’ lives, looked LIKE her. Her dog looked like her!!! ㅋㅋ and before you say anything, that’s not meant to be an insult, Sattang! They were both just... super white and fluffy and sooo_ gwiyeooo _!_
> 
> _What I loved most about her dog – his name’s Ah-ri by the way!! – was that he seemed to like me more than his own mom. Maybe because I coddled him a lot that night? But I couldn’t help it!!! You would spoil him too if you saw him!! Oh wait but you’re me…_
> 
> _Dahyun looked super jealous ㅎㅎ_ aigo _, this small baby~~_
> 
> _Anyway, the night didn’t end there, Sattang._
> 
> _So we watched this movie called The Handmaiden, which her roommate, Chaeyoungie, (that little bastard, as Dahyun would call her after) lent to us. And if you’re familiar with the movie, I think you already know where this is going._
> 
> _But we... WE had no clue!_
> 
> _When we got to ~that~ part in the bathtub, Dahyunnie and I were so awkward that we couldn’t look at anywhere else but the screen. It seems funny now but I was DYING ㅠㅠ And Dahyunnie, bless her soul, noticed my discomfort so she paused the movie before it could go any further._
> 
> _We stayed there not making eye contact with each other and in complete silence until I decided to break the ice. But at the same time, she had something to say! So we both took turns egging each other to go first until we were just laughing and the next thing I knew, her hands were on my waist, and mine were around shoulders, and we were lying down with her on top of me and we were kissing!!!!! For the first time!!!!!_
> 
> _And it wasn’t a simple peck, Sattang!!!!!!!!_
> 
> _Thank you, The Handmaiden._
> 
> _But no thank you, Ah-ri. ㅠㅠ_
> 
> _We kinda fell down from her couch from all of ~that~ and Ah-ri thought I was attacking his mom or that his mom was attacking me. But my poor child had no clue that it was the good kind of attacking._
> 
> _Ah-ri started barking. LOUD. And that got us to break away from each other. Dahyun kept apologizing to me from the minute Ah-ri started barking up to the front porch of my own dorm when she walked me back. It was hilarious but also very sexy, so I thought, why not give her a goodnight kiss before she left?_
> 
> _And that I did, Sattang. Are you proud of me? ;)_
> 
> _And when I closed the door behind me, I had this huge smile that I couldn’t erase especially when she called me up to say goodnight._
> 
> _I think Mi-tan caught me smiling myself to sleep._
> 
> _What do you call the butterflies you get in your stomach?_
> 
> _Sana-suddenly-not-shy-at-all?!?!_

Dahyun closed the book chuckling then glared at the seemingly innocent-looking dog who was still looking at her curiously and cutely. Dahyun had to roll her eyes and playfully glare at him. “You were a bad dog that night, weren’t you, Ah-ri?”

It was The Girl’s turn now to roll her eyes.

The three of them went on to read more of Sana’s entries, which were mostly, to Dahyun’s delightful surprise, were mostly about her and _them_. They laughed, they teared up, and at the end of the night, the young girl found herself choking up once again, but at least now she wasn’t alone.

 _She never was, though_ , The Girl thought. _But she doesn’t know that._

Dahyun slept on the floor again that night, her head resting comfortably on the bean bag, her arm draped across the framed photograph and diary. Like they were her most prized possessions. But maybe they were.

The Girl, deciding to let the two rest, got up to turn the lights off and lower the volume.

But –

She stopped midway when she felt a pair of eyes boring holes into her back.

 _Strange._ She turned around to face the mother-son pair.

And in the dark of the room illuminated only by the glow coming from the television screen, she met the very first pair of eyes that _actually_ looked directly at her for the first time since she woke up. Like they were actually _seeing_ her.

He blinked once, then twice.

The Girl could only blink back.

It was Ah-ri.


	2. The Reflection

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Girl spends her days as a friend; her nights as a protector.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Unbeta'd!

The days that followed flew by more steadily. The Girl watched the seasons transition from one to the other, and soon enough, the world outside was filled with the brown and orange leaves that turned into crisps and fell down gracefully to join the others that went ahead.

She was rather pleased with the development in Dahyun over time. She looked less somber, went out more often to join her friends for a meal, and even started easing back herself into sleeping in the large bed in the bedroom instead of the carpeted floor in the living room.

Most of all, she loved the way that her laugh would bounce off the walls in the entire house and fill it with heartfelt joy whenever she read something that Sana had cleverly written.

Dahyun appeared happier, and it gave quite a bit of radiant glow that would warm the entire house despite the chilly atmosphere.

She was the cause for the warmth.

_Dahyun was warmth._

There were, however, still days when she would catch her staring off into space, especially when she was not preoccupied. It happened during the times when Michael Jackson or a certain Japanese City Pop song would suddenly play on shuffle. Or when she would thoughtlessly open the cupboard and see the untouched tea collection idly collecting dust. Or when she would pass by the glassed china with the multitudes of scented candles of every color, every size, every shape.

And she would just stand there. Staring. Melancholic.

For everything was a reminder of the lovely girl that once filled every room with her optimism and vibrance. But now, it was all that there was to it: a reminder.

On her bad days, Dahyun often shut herself out even from those closest to her, only just occasionally replying to Sana’s father out of respect. Then at night, the lackluster girl would find herself unable to free herself from the nightmares and go back to curling up on the floor – the photograph at her heart a constant fixture as her shoulders shook violently until she wore herself out.

A rollercoaster ride was what it was, having to witness the dispirited woman take one step forward and then two steps back.

Sometimes the rollercoaster took too long to ascend.

The Girl wanted nothing more than to pull out the sadness in her but, alas, how could she if she was nothing but a fleeting breeze of air that could only stand incapably by?

Still, The Girl, despite reality hitting her face every time, would lay down beside her small figure and hug her with all her might. Her heart shattering for her. _With_ her.

But if there was one thing that kept her forward, it was Ah-ri.

Ah-ri who seemed to be the breath of fresh air when she felt suffocated. Ah-ri who somehow whisked away the dark clouds shrouding her. Ah-ri who could make Dahyun smile even when she couldn’t even lift a finger to help herself.

Indeed, the amount of adoration that Dahyun had for Ah-ri spoke volumes, and it did not go unnoticed by The Girl or anyone whom she would let close. Her love for him radiated even in the tiniest and most mundane parts of the day. Ah-ri was a baby, that much was sure, and his mother never hesitated in making him feel like so.

During video meetings when Ah-ri would walk up to her, Dahyun would pick him up and let him lay on her lap no matter how small the seat was for the two of them. Then, at every opportunity, she would show him off to whoever was in the call with her and bask in the glory of being called his mother.

That was not to say that taking care of Ah-ri was a smooth ride, however.

The dog was still, somehow, frightened of baths and the blower. _God, the blower._

“Ah-ri, please, stay still, will you?” Dahyun would ask exasperatedly.

But the poor mutt would always start shaking at the first sound of the blower, and _especially_ at the first blow of wind that hit him. The terrifying thing was that he never whined. He always just kind of stood there, trembling from head to tail.

During times like that were when The Girl would step in to lend a helping, albeit invisible, hand.

It always went like this: she would walk over and move her legs away from each other to lower herself down to Ah-ri’s level. Then she would look straight at Ah-ri’s huge, round, dark eyes then she would reach forward to cup his cheek, smiling reassuringly. She would distract him – as much as she could, at least – and do her best to assuage him that the blower was not a scary thing. That she was here. That everything was going to be all right.

And then they would wait. Wait for his whimpers to slowly fade, his shaking to slowly halt, as Ah-ri looked at her, and her right back at him.

Then they would smile, and The Girl would kiss him on the top of his head and say, _Good boy, Ah-ri. Good boy._

During the first couple of times that The Girl did that, Dahyun would watch in awe at the gradual shift in her son’s mood; at the same time holding herself back from shedding tears by the way that they welled up in her eyes.

And on the first time that she heard her choking back a sob, The Girl broke eye contact with Ah-ri to peer up at Dahyun who seemed to have found some sort of fascination at the ceiling above her while she blinked back the salty fluid. At this, The Girl tilted her head at Dahyun and frowned, for what could be so sad and tearful about grooming your dog?

Then she felt Ah-ri shaking again, and all her thoughts were completely erased. Ah-ri needed to be consoled, that was what she was going to do.

 _It did not last long, however – her crying,_ The Girl now realized to herself, thinking back to the earlier days. In fact, it was eventually replaced by something that The Girl could only describe as a mix of reminiscence and melancholy and tenderness, and it made her wonder if, perchance, Dahyun was replacing bad memories with better ones.

She hoped that it was the case.

Dahyun dried the last bit of wet fur on Ah-ri’s paws and put him down, giving a generous treat. She headed for the bedroom afterwards for a while as The Girl doted on the dog who was still munching on his Dentastix.

When she came out, Dahyun was dressed in a knitted sweater paired with a long skirt that covered her legs and a black scarf wound around her neck, her hair up in a messy bun.

Quite simply, the personification of warmth.

She bent down to kiss his son lovingly, his tail wagging in return. “I’m eating outside with Chaengie and Nayeon-unnie for a while. Be a good boy, alright?” After making sure that he had enough food to fend for himself for a short while and that the house was well kept, she picked up her bag and went out the door.

On the occasions where his mother left him alone for a couple of hours, Ah-ri spent every minute with the other person in the household: The Girl herself.

Since that night when they truly saw each other, the two of them had become increasingly drawn to one another as if they were long-time friends who were in dire need of reconnecting.

“Ah-ri,” she would call out to him from inside the room whenever she saw him lingering at the door, awaiting an invitation. As soon as she’d give the go signal, his face would light up and The Girl would drop down to her knees and buttocks, accepting the dog leaping into her arms with a sloppy kiss on her jaw.

Just like any day, the pair of best friends often settled by the mini bookshelf where she would read to him words that he could not comprehend but seemed to enjoy anyway. She talked about knights and their stuck swords and powerful queens ruling alone and youth in revolt and the ferry trip led by Virgil himself.

Other days, or more like when The Girl did not feel as guilty about reading Sana’s journal as she usually did, she would pick up the diary from where Dahyun (or she) last left it and read through more of her entries, which were, still, about Dahyun:

> _Sattang,_
> 
> _I love the way that Dahyun closes her eyes before smiling widely whenever she laughs. Her smile could bright up the entire room and she doesn’t even know it._
> 
> _Sattang,_
> 
> _I think Dahyun’s roommate – you know, the one who lent us The Handmaiden? – has a crush on my Minari. ㅋㅋ I brought her with me when we celebrated Dahyun’s birthday, and it was just so funny to see her stumbling over her own words at the littlest of things wherever Mi-tan was involved. Who knew Dahyun’s birthday would be such a blessing? ㅋㅋ (If you ever read this, I’m totally kidding, Dahyunnie. Of course I knew >*<)_
> 
> _Sattang,_
> 
> _Dahyun is the funniest person I have ever met. She does this weird raspberry thing with her mouth and I don’t know why it was so funny but it was so funny to me ㅎㅎ aigooo ><_
> 
> _Sattang,_
> 
> _Dahyun met my papa today over an accidental video call. I was in the shower and she answered the call without looking at the caller ID tsk, pabo. And to her surprise, it was no one else but my Papa. ㅋㅋ I guess that took them both by surprise but they did end up conversing for over an hour ㅋㅋ_
> 
> _Oh, and, he also thought that she was the funniest person he has ever met. ㅎㅎㅎㅎ_

> _Sattang,_
> 
> _Today Dahyun asked me to be her girlfriend. Like officially officially._
> 
> _But the poor thing was too nervous and fidgety that I had to do it myself._
> 
> _And now we’re girlfriends! Officially! ㅋㅋ_
> 
> _I still have yet to get used to it (^8^)_

Then when they got tired of reading, they would take a tour around the house – just the two of them, looking at pictures that they had already seen but loved to revisit anyway.

And when they were _really_ bored, just as they were that very day, they would play a game of hide-and-seek at the walk-in cabinet in the bedroom: The Girl standing by the doorway, and Ah-ri patiently sitting in front, curious as to _what on earth_ this lady is doing.

She stared down at the dog. Ah-ri stared right back up at her. It felt like a challenge.

Then, with one foot hidden behind the wall, the other still visible at the doorway, The Girl jumped sideways, completely hiding herself from his field of vision.

 _Maybe this will teach him object permanence_ , she would jest to herself.

She waited for Ah-ri to follow her. 5 seconds, 10 seconds…

When she got nothing, she furrowed her eyebrows then peeked from the side of the door frame to see if he had gone.

And yet –

There he was, still patiently sitting and waiting for his friend to return at the door.

And she did, apparently, Ah-ri probably thought. For when he saw the slightest hint of movement, he looked up, met The Girl’s eyes and started to wag his tail, smile wide and tongue out, as if to say, _Ha! I found you!_

The Girl erupted into a fit of laughter at the silliness of the dog.

She was about to take him into her arms when the door to the bedroom opened, revealing a startled Dahyun looking strangely at where her dog was. “Ah-ri?” she asked inquisitively. Or more like suspiciously.

He immediately turned and ran towards his mother, who did not hesitate to carry him up in her arms. The Girl stood up, now sensing that playtime was done, and fixed her gaze at Dahyun’s retreating figure in silence as the latter made her way out of the room, Ah-ri licking her nose.

She paused, one hand on the doorknob, then glanced back at the room. Her lips were pursed, one eyebrow in a frown, as she quickly scanned the room. Then, with a resigned sigh, she shook her head and closed the door behind her.

If The Girl did not know any better, she would think that she just saw something that resembled hope playing across her features.

•••

“I’m telling you, Chaeng,” Dahyun whispered into the receiver while she watched the sleeping Ah-ri on his newly purchased bed. “Ah-ri’s been acting strange lately. It’s like – “The Girl watched her take a gulp as she paused to collect her thoughts. “It’s like he’s seeing his mom here.”

The Girl heard a sharp intake of breath from the other end. “H-his mom, you mean…?”

“Yeah,” she replied with a sigh. “I don’t know, Chaeng, do you think I’m losing my mind?”

“Normally I’d say yes – “ Dahyun huffed out an offended scoff. The Girl heard Chaeyoung chuckling briefly through the speakers. “But maybe Ah-ri’s just getting used to… things, you know?”

“Chaeng, he’s been home for months,” Dahyun retaliated with a finality. “Has he ever done that with you and Mina-unnie there?”

She imagined the blonde looking sideways in contemplation. Just then, another voice joined in on the conversation. “He always did keep shaking even when the two of us were there beside him.”

“Oh,” Dahyun said, startled by the addition of a new voice. “ _Annyeong_ , Mina-unnie. Hi.” She then carded her fingers through her hair. “I’ve actually been thinking. What if…” She put her index finger on her lips and bit it lightly. “What if it’s her way of getting me to visit her?”

The Girl’s ears perked up at that. _By her, does she mean Sana?_ She moved more closely to Dahyun, careful not to rouse the dog awake.

There was a long pause on Mina and Chaeyoung’s end. “Are you ready for it, though?” The Girl looked directly at Dahyun’s face only to catch a hint of hesitancy on her pursed lips and unsure eyes and her fidgety hands.

Mina must have sensed the same. “Dahyun-ah,” she spoke her name softly, carefully treading the waters. “I don’t think Sattang will force you to do something you’re not ready for…”

“It’s almost a year,” Dahyun replied, eyes stealing glances at a particular corner, her tongue darting across her dry lips. The Girl followed her trail of vision where it ended on nothing else but the photo taken at sunset and shiny beads up front. She was starting to get lost in their glare when she heard Dahyun ask them back a question – one that made The Girl feel like something had just dropped at the pit of her stomach: “What if I am?”

•••

> _Sattang,_
> 
> _Today I passed out right after a major exam, and when I woke up in the infirmary, the first thing I saw was Dahyun holding my hands to her mouth._
> 
> _I think I saw so many emotions in her eyes in such a short amount of time ㅎㅎ it was really cute_
> 
> _Then she launched into full protective girlfriend mode and lectured me about how she was going to take me to the hospital to have myself checked but I just laid there on the pillows smiling back at her cuteness until I couldn’t take it anymore._
> 
> _I kissed her full on the lips even in the presence of the school nurses because she really needed to shut up. ㅎㅎ That and I couldn’t help the butterflies in my stomach when I saw just how much she cared. Like she was afraid that something had happened to me. Like she was afraid to lose me, maybe?_
> 
> _When I pulled away, I giggled at her because she looked like I just stupefied her (do you get it, Sattang? Stupefy! Like the Harry Potter spell!!) ㅎㅎ but even when her cheeks turned red, she was still persistent with taking me to the hospital, so I kissed her again and reassured her that I just got tired from the exams._
> 
> _We stayed there for a while more. She skipped classes to stay with me and eat lunch with me. Or more like she fed me?? I let her do all the talking because I loved hearing her voice and the little details when she talks about her day and the enthusiasm in her everything when talking about Ah-ri and his new little tricks. And in that moment in the infirmary all because of me literally passing out, I thought to myself that, Sattang, maybe, just maybe, I might be falling in love with her?_
> 
> _And I think I could get used to it,_
> 
> _Sana and her fluttering hearteu ㅎ_

•••

The Girl was awakened one night when she felt Dahyun stirring in her sleep.

In the dark of the room, she could barely make out her surroundings. Yet, the image of Dahyun’s side profile illumined by the moonlight struck her.

If she could have it ingrained in her memory, The Girl thought she probably would.

She watched as Dahyun sat up and sat on the side of the bed, her back hunched, hands pressed tightly against her eyes.

 _Did she have another nightmare?_ The Girl wondered.

Dahyun heaved a deep sigh and stood up, not bothering to wear the in-house slippers that Mina got her recently.

The Girl looked at the clock on the bedside table. 12/28 – 02:40, it read.

It suddenly dawned on her: _the day of her scheduled trip with Mina and Chaeyoung to visit Sana._

She stood up and followed Dahyun out of the bedroom and into the darkness all the way towards what she presumed to be their usual spot on the floor.

She was soon proven wrong, however.

The Girl stood next to Dahyun and finally realized where she had followed her.

In the darkness, the beads shone brightly in her eyes. Almost blinding.

“Sana, _annyeong_.”

The Girl turned her head rather rapidly to face Dahyun. In the past months of them living under the same roof, not once had Dahyun talked to Sana through the frame except on that one fateful night when she came back home.

“Sana,” Dahyun chanted her name again in utter reverence as she sat down. The Girl promptly followed. She faintly heard the gulp that Dahyun took to calm her nerves. “I’m coming back to see you again tomorrow after a year. It’s been a year – can you believe it?” She heaved out a small, shaky laugh. “You know, I sometimes wonder where you are because… you’d think I’m crazy and make fun of me for this but…

“Sometimes I feel like you’re still here?” She ended with a tentative question, one that was never going to be answered, and that broke not just hers, but The Girl’s heart beside her as well. “Ah-ri sometimes does these things that he only usually did with you. Like when he’d still sleep on your side of the bed no matter how many times I pull him into me.” She made a face that made her look like a baby throwing tantrums. The Girl had to keep her giddiness at the sight buried within her. “Or when he’d calm down during our grooming session only when you’re there because you have that effect on everyone and he kind of loves you more than me.” Another laugh, however short-lived. “I’m kind of jealous.

“But I’d rather be jealous of it all, you know?” The Girl heard the hurt dripping in every word that she said, in every crack in her angelic voice. “I’d rather have you here making fun of me and this craziness of mine and playing with Ah-ri while I do all the grooming because at least then…” She trailed off, pausing. She watched Dahyun inhale sharply, reaching past the glass container and towards the woman she was speaking to. “At least then you would still be here.”

She finally let the walls break, something that The Girl had not seen in a long time. _Maybe I got it all wrong, s_ he thought. _Maybe on the days when I thought she was doing well… those were the times when she was actually struggling the most?_

“I miss you so, _so_ much, _jagiya,_ ” she managed to let out. “I miss you every day, and I miss you all the more today because it’s been a whole year, and I’m still stuck in the ghost of who we were.” The Girl caressed Dahyun’s cheeks, hoping she could feel it. To her astonishment, the other girl tilted her head against her hand as if to feel every touch. “I would give anything, _anything_ , for even just one day more to be with you. To say goodbye to you.“ Her entire body gave, folding in on herself while still clutching tightly onto Sana in between her arms. “We were supposed to be together, _jagiya_. You didn’t even let me say goodbye. Everyday I wish I could have said goodbye.”

Only the sounds of her broken wails and sobs were heard in the room – a stark contrast to The Girl’s favorite melody which was Dahyun’s angelic laugh. Here they were, two vulnerable souls stuck in a situation they never intended to be in but were forced into.

All that The Girl could do again was to drape her arms over Dahyun’s shaking body, hoping against all hope that she could absorb her misery to free her.

•••

It took a little while before she finally felt Dahyun’s steady breaths within her embrace.

She liked to think that it worked – her absorbing her sadness. Maybe it did.

Carefully, even though she knew it would not matter anyway, The Girl tried to remove her arms away from Dahyun to check on the sleeping dog in the room.

Just as quickly, however, she was stopped in her tracks when she heard Dahyun feebly mewling once again.

She could have sworn that Dahyun had fallen asleep already. Curious, she crouched down to the other’s level to be able to hear what she was saying.

“ _… jima,”_ Dahyun weakly spoke.

The Girl faced her and was shocked when Dahyun’s hand outstretched, almost like she was reaching for _her_.

“ _Gajima._ ” She heard her more clearly. “ _Gajima,_ Sana, _jebal,_ ”, Dahyun said, her tone pleading. “Don’t go, Sana. Please.”

There was an inexplicable sense of heaviness that formed in the pit of her stomach. She felt her own throat closing, felt her heart being squeezed at the sight of Dahyun like this. With her own lips trembling, eyes blinking back the tears she did not think she could shed, The Girl laid back down next to Dahyun, wrapped her in her arms, and mumbled in the fragile girl’s ear, “I won’t.”

•••

It had rained all morning and afternoon the following day. It started when the younger couple arrived at Dahyun’s doorstep looking all flushed and nervous as they collected Dahyun for their trip.

She had seemed fine. _Too fine_ , to be perfectly honest, and The Girl did not like it one bit. But she let it go because she knew these people.

Knew that she was in good hands.

It was also The Girl’s first time to meet Mina in person. The newcomer emitted a rather reserved personality admixed with vulnerability. It only made The Girl take a liking to the beautiful, quiet girl immediately.

When they left, The Girl plopped down on the beanbag, but found that she could not sit still. Not really.

Something about the day made her uneasy. She could not quite place it, but it left her on her toes and walking back and forth around the house the whole day.

It was even selfish of her, but she really wished that Dahyun and her friends had not taken Ah-ri with them.

Feeling defeated, she sank back down on the floor next to Sana’s photograph and eventually found the journal that was laying there untouched.

Sighing, she picked it up and opened the journal to a random page.

> _Sattang,_
> 
> _You know sometimes you just know that something will happen because the feeling is too strong that you can’t shake it off?_
> 
> _I don’t know why but I feel like something bad is going to happen._

The Girl was taken aback by the opening sentence. It was not something that Sana usually wrote, and she could even see the tear marks on some parts of the page that were left crumpled over time.

She convinced herself to go on.

> _And I don’t know what else to do except to write it down at 3 in the morning on our dinner table with an already cold mug of chamomile in front of me and a sleeping baby back in the bedroom._
> 
> _I meant Dahyun of course ㅋㅋ_
> 
> _Dahyun… she’s such an angel. She looks like a baby when she sleeps, really._

There was slight difference with the way that the first part of the entry was written versus how the second part was. At the back of her mind, The Girl could imagine Sana playing with the pen, by the way that there were a few straight marks at the side of the page. Or the tremors in Sana’s hand as she wrote, by the way that the words seemed to have been written more heavily.

> _I’m terrified, Sattang. I’ve never been more terrified like this since mama passed. And maybe the reason why I’m like this now is because I’m scared that this feeling is going to happen to Dahyun._
> 
> _Oh, God, I’m overthinking this. I should sleep._

Her eyes travelled down the rest of the page and rested on a tiny note on the bottom right corner.

> _I am a clown, Sattang. It’s 5 am and I haven’t slept a wink since I put you down an hour and a half ago. >< Okay I will try to sleep now._

That was when she heard some scuffling behind the front door, then keys jangling. _They must be home._

In came Mina first, carrying Ah-ri on one arm, and holding the door with the other for Chaeyoung who was struggling to hold Dahyun up. All of them dripping from the rain outside.

The Girl stood up as quickly as she could to see if Dahyun was alright.

Dahyun’s knees gave completely, and she fell down, letting go of Chaeyoung in the process.

“Dubs,” Chaeyoung whispered to her best friend, her own tears betraying her will not to cry. “Dubs, please.”

“I thought I could, Chaeng,” Dahyun began through a loud wail. “I really thought I could. But as soon as her grave came into view, it all came back to me. I really couldn’t.”

The Girl felt her heart plummet to the ground. _Grave? Were they not going to see Sana?_

“Dahyun-ah.” Mina softly took her into her arms and kissed her hair. She, too, had failed to hide her emotions, and all she could do was to hold her friend up.

Something that _She_ could not do.

“I still her remember her laying there, unnie,” Dahyun cried into the older girl’s chest. “She wasn’t breathing anymore and oh, _god_ , she was cold and stiff...”

The Girl felt cold all over at the implications of Dahyun’s words. _Did she mean –_

“ _God_ , I can’t erase that image of Sana in my mind. I – “ She doubled over, her hands forming into tight little fists. “I remember it all. I wish I didn’t. God, I really wish I didn’t.”

The Girl was trying to blink back her own tears for the second time that day. Her entire being ached for Dahyun who was losing herself yet again. Hitting rock bottom by herself once again.

“Even the clothes she wore that day still haunt me, can you believe it?” She laughed bitterly. “You know that black button-down shirt she always wore?” Mina and Chaeyoung nodded, just taking in all that their friend was ranting. “She loved that shirt so much, and I loved it too because she loved it, but now I-I hate it. I can’t stand it.” She buried her face in her hands, looking completely vulnerable.

“But I can’t even take them out of that old closet, you know? Because they’re still Sana, and it’s all that I have left of her now. It’s all I have left…”

The Girl stopped in her tracks. She heard a sort of ringing in her ear. Followed by a series of barks and whimpers.

She immediately stood up and rushed towards the bedroom. Towards that very cabinet that loomed over her like a dark shadow as she stood before it now.

Slowly, she opened the old closet and saw what she feared.

_A single set of clean underwear, a soft, mesh button-down shirt hanging up on the railing, a neatly folded, washed-up pair of jeans, and a well-maintained pair of Chucks tucked nearly at a corner._

Dazed, she turned on her heel, shaking her head and thinking, _no, no no, this cannot be happening_.

And she was about to go out of the room when she finally caught it.

A reflection in the window.

Through glassy eyes, she saw the same face that she had seen every day on the walls, within Dahyun’s thin arms as she held it at night.

In the distance, she still heard Dahyun crying out into nothingness. Hopeless. Helpless.

(Somewhere in the back of her mind, a sort of a distant memory, she heard whimpering and barking being directed at her, too.)

She saw Sana. And she was staring right back with a pained expression through the reflection in the window.

She _was_ Sana.


	3. The Living

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So many things to be happy about today! But I'll start with this: Happy Boss Jihyo Day and welcome home, Jeongyeon! I'm still soft from that video that Jihyo posted when she ran all the way to Sana's dressing room, and now we have her holding Jeongyeon's hand when she came back yesterday. What a family, this family is. 🥺  
> And, how can we forget? Happy SaiDa day, everyone! I was absolutely thrilled to see clingy SaiDa again yesterday. We also had MiChaeng! Ugh, God smiling on the gays, I know that's right.  
> Anyway, here's part three! Unbeta'ed. Please forgive any errors. <3

The next time that she woke up, she was laying down on the wide bed alone yet again.

Similar to that first night, but not quite.

Now there was sunlight, and when she opened her eyes, she squinted right away at the glaring ray of light that hit her eyes.

And when she sat up, letting the duvet fall from her shoulders, she found that she did not have to dress herself up anymore for modesty.

For she was, apparently, now fully clothed.

 _Mesh button down shirt_.

 _Washed-up pair of jeans_.

 _Pair of Chucks_.

Gasping, she leaped out of the covers and walked barefoot towards the same glass window where she saw, to her horror, the very reflection of the current state of her being.

Reality hit her like the crashing wave that breaks the edges of a faulty, cracked wall.

Her hands went up to cover her mouth, her eyelids unable to hold in the overwhelming feeling that was consuming her.

It dawned on her just as quickly. The reason for her passing out. The reflection of the dead girl staring back at her in the glass window that separated her from the raging storm outside.

The sound of the women’s pleas and cries from the other room.

The sad whimpers of a certain, poor Maltese right next to her.

She remembered.

She _was_ Sana.

And she was bursting with so many emotions, was having so many questions running through her mind all at once, yet she still felt nothing. Absolutely nothing.

Because she was Sana and she was dead but somehow, _somehow_ , she was still here, feeling nothing and everything at the same time.

It was then when she heard the distinct voices of women mumbling about something incomprehensible from behind the bedroom door.

All thoughts and fury be damned, Sana dashed right out towards the living room where she was able to make out three figures huddling over a corner where tiny shards of glass and a few shiny, green beads littered the once clean wooden floor.

“We don’t know what happened too, Dubs,” the blonde said, alarmed and defensive, as she crouched over the glassy materials with her hand running through her hair. _Chaeyoung_. “They just burst out of nowhere when you passed out last night. And we… we – “

Another woman with long, brown hair reached for her shoulder and squeezed it. Chaeyoung craned her neck up at her with a tight-lipped smile, resigned. She then turned to the last woman whose back was facing Sana. “We didn’t really know what else to do but we didn’t want to touch any of it, Dahyun-ah,” she spoke in that calm, regal voice of hers. _Minari_. “We knew you’d want to take care of it yourself.”

The last girl sighed a heavy sigh. Her back was slumped over, head hanging over her shoulders, looking defeated. Sana now felt an immense amount of sadness washing over her at the mere sight.

_Dahyun-chan…_

“I understand,” Dahyun finally said, as she picked up the beads and held them in her tiny hand. “I can put them in one of her candle holders for now. I’m sure there’s something I could find…”

“ _Arasso_ ,” Mina replied curtly. She patted Chaeyoung on the top of her head then turned back to Dahyun. “Say, Dahyun-ah. Do you mind if Chaeyoung could sleep in here? I think she needs to rest even just for a bit.”

She was eager to nod her head in response. “Go ahead. You can take the guest room.”

But the youngest of the three was rather hard-headed. “ _Ani, ani_. No, I’m not tired.” A long yawn escaped past her lips, betraying her own words.

Mina and Dahyun chuckled despite themselves. “Go, Chaeng, you need to rest,” Dahyun told her without making room for any arguments – to which Chaeyoung complied albeit hesitantly. She stood up, rubbing her eyes, received a kiss in the temple from Mina, then went up ahead. Sana tried to ruffle her hair as she passed by her but retracted her hand.

It was futile anyway.

That left the two older girls alone in the living room with Sana. She felt the tears beginning to pool in her eyes again as she looked at them. _The two most precious women in my life. How have you been?_

“Mina-unnie…”

“Dahyun-ah…,” they both at the same time. They smiled at each other. “You first,” said Mina, breaking the cycle.

Dahyun looked down, unable to meet Mina’s gaze, her fingers fidgeting in anxiety and embarrassment. “ _Mianhaeyo_ ,” she muttered quietly. “I’m sorry you had to see all of that. I-I don’t know what came over me.”

Mina pulled her in for a tight hug, shaking her in disagremeent. “ _Ani_ ,” she began. “ _Mian,_ Dahyun-ah. _I’m_ sorry. I’m sorry that we took you to the cemetery even though we both knew you weren’t ready.”

The younger girl tightened the hold she had on Mina, inhaling deeply, shakily. “I insisted it.”

Mina pulled away from the hug and kept her at an arm’s length with a stern look on her face.

Sana had to laugh to herself at her friend’s steely gaze. It was one of the things she pulled over Sana herself whenever her maturity jumped right out to make the decision for both of them. A thought occurred to her: _Was this Mi-tan taking over the role of the oldest_ unnie _of their small group and being protective over them?_

“Dahyun-ah,” she said with all seriousness plastered on her face. “Do you need me to call Dr. Kang for you again?”

The other girl’s face turned ashen at the mention of that name. Sana knitted her eyebrows. _Who is Dr. Kang?_ _And why does Dahyun look so panicked?_

The younger girl’s usually tiny eyes now widened in utter disbelief, her head shaking in complete dissent. As if the mere idea was something preposterous. Something unthinkable.

And maybe it was. “No, _unnie_.” Dahyun stood firm on her decision. Sana saw a subtle hint of breaking in the upward turn of her eyebrows. “Please… I promised her.”

Sana was not the only one feeling left in the dark now. Mina tilted her head slightly at Dahyun’s words. Confusion written all over her features. “Promised her what, Dahyun-ah?” she asked carefully, still retaining that calm and respectful demeanour of hers.

Dahyun blinked back her tears, looking around. She mumbled something incoherent under her breath. Sana moved closer to hear her better, almost touching her. _Almost_.

“What was that?” Mina probed.

“I said,” she began, voice barely audible. “I promised Dr. Kang that the next time I’ll call her, it will be because I’m finally better.”

Sana was dumbfounded. _Was this my doing, Dahyun-chan?_ she thought to herself as she slowly stepped away from her. _Did I cause you the pain that you’re feeling now?_

“Oh, Dahyun-ah,” Mina breathed out, pulling her into a tight, comforting hug again. “Don’t you think you’re better now?”

A sarcastic chuckle left her lips. “I thought so too, _unnie_ , but after last night…” Her eyes travelled down. Sana followed her gaze where it landed on the sharp shards dotted by powdered glass and the brilliant beads that almost hurt Sana to look at for too long. “I feel like I’m back to square one,” Dahyun finally confessed.

Mina tapped her back. “Healing isn’t linear, Dahyun-ah,” she said without a trace of judgment in her words and in the way she said them. She pulled away to look Dahyun straight in the eye to make her understand. Sana recognized the gesture well. It was another thing that she used to do with Sana when they were younger. “Some days we feel like we’re back to zero, and it could feel frustrating – it _is_ frustrating – but,

“But what’s important is that when you bounce back,” she paused a while, trying to put the right words together.

 _You go beyond where you last left off_ , Sana said at the same time as Mina.

Mina smiled warmly at Dahyun, who sniffled in response with glassy eyes. Sana’s bit her lip, her insides soaring over what had just transpired. She remembered. They both did.

“It was something that Sattang used to tell me when we were younger,” she began to explain. “Especially after Momoring left us and I thought I would never accept the fact.” Dahyun’s eyes softened at the older girl. Mina’s lip curled upward as she lost herself in her thoughts for a moment. Then she smiled back at Dahyun, her eyes forming crescent moons that she had hoped would cheer her up. “It helped me a lot. And I promise to be here to remind you of that until you realize its truth, too.”

“ _Kamsahamnida, Mina-unnie_ ,” Dahyun whispered feebly, suppressing an impending sob. Dahyun blinked back at Mina a couple of times then gulped, her nose forming a pink tinge. It was subtle but Sana knew Dahyun well enough to know that her lover was trying her best not to cry. “Thank you for everything.”

Mina flashed her gummy smile – one that reached up to her eyes – then squeezed her arm. “ _Saranghamnida, Dahyun-ah,”_ she said ever so sweetly. “I love you, Dahyun. And we love Sana. She means everything to me, too, and I know that she would have wanted me to look after you.” She lightly patted Dahyun on her cheek. Sana heard a sob escape her own lips before she could even register it. “Now, what food do you have here? I’ll cook for all of us.”

Dahyun had the nerve to look sheepish. Mina understood.

“Does _jjajangmyeon_ sound good?” Dahyun nodded, almost child-like. Mina. “ _Arasso_. Okay, I’ll order us some _bingsu_ too. She loves matcha, right?”

“So much that I was starting to worry,” Dahyun deadpanned. The two laughed, remembering the very girl that stood invisible to their eyes just mere feet away from where they stood. They shared a few more seconds of silent regard and gratitude with each other before Dahyun remembered something and started roaming her eyes left and right. “Ah-ri…”

“Already fed,” Mina nodded towards Ah-ri’s direction where the dog was sleeping on his tiny bed. Sana and Dahyun turned their heads eagerly. The three women smiled at the tiny, white ball of fluff curled up comfortably. “Now, go get that candle holder and let’s clean this up so you can rest while I order our food, alright?”

•••

It did not take the two women long before they were able to restore that corner to its previous glory. Dahyun managed to find an extra glass container where Sana kept the things she used for her hobbies and immediately brought it to Mina. Together, the two of them carefully picked up the shiny, green beads and tenderly placed them piece by piece into safety.

Afterwards, Mina managed to convince Dahyun to take her leave for a while, to which the latter had no objections.

Sana followed her back into the bedroom where they sat side by side at the edge of the big bed. Dahyun’s shoulders slumped back once more now that she no longer had to uphold a strong front to keep Mina from worrying.

Little did she know, someone was _still_ worrying.

And that someone was feeling guilty at the same time.

Aside from rise and fall of her trunk, Dahyun barely moved, her eyes remaining downcast the whole time.

Sana’s lips quivered as she moved closer to her, planting a chaste kiss on the corner of her mouth. _Forgive me,_ jagiya, she wished she could hear her. _Forgive me for leaving so soon. Forgive me for all the hurt I’ve caused you._

Giving in to her exhaustion, Dahyun eventually crawled underneath the covers and closed her eyes to take a nap. Sana stayed with her for a while, thumbing her cheek and running her hand through her hair. And when her breathing had begun to grow more deeply, more evenly, Sana kissed Dahyun on her temple and went out of the bedroom.

When Sana reached the living room, she found Mina plopped down in front of the corner that they rearranged. Just… admiring.

Sana sat next to her, wanting so badly to hold her friend’s hand. Mina who was like a little sister to her but was now left with the responsibility of being the adult even though all of them were adults.

Mina had always been similar with Dahyun, Sana always thought so. They both held this air of maturity to prove to everyone that they _can_ – and they really can, don’t get her wrong – but they were human, after all, and some nights they, too, needed someone to depend on when things got a bit too much.

Someone who will take care of them.

But that someone was gone now. At least tangibly.

Still, it made her just as helpless as those that she had untimely left behind.

“ _Annyeong,_ Sattang,” Mina greeted her through the photograph. “I ordered your favourite dessert today… You know what today is, right?”

Sana tilted her head in confusion, her lips outturned in a pout as she waited for Mina to answer her own question.

“It’s your birthday!” Mina smiled widely with glassy eyes. Sana was taken aback, jaw slackening at the realization. “ _Saengil chukhahae_ , _unnie._ Happy birthday, Sana.”

Mina remained silent for a while after that, perhaps still at a loss for the right words to tell her. At times like that, Sana often wondered what was going on in Mina’s mind. What could she be thinking about? Somehow, even without the other one having to say so, she knew that it was in silence when Mina’s thoughts resounded loudly. Sana never did find out.

But Sana did not mind. She had always loved sharing these comfortable, tranquil moments with her younger sister, whether it be while they were working on their homework in university, or even when they were just watching a drama together at the dorm.

Mina was her peaceful sanctuary at the end of a fast-paced day, and she had always cherished those moments because of that.

Mina hummed, snapping Sana out of her reverie. She scooted closer to the woman whom she always considered as her own family. And she knew that Mina felt the same too. She tried running her hand through the younger one’s hair. “ _Bogo sipeo_ ,” Mina whispered softly, breathing deeply with eyes closed, trying to compose herself.

But maybe today she could let herself feel.

“I miss you so much.” She finally broke down her defenses. For in that moment, nothing else mattered but the air between the sisters.

At that moment, Mina was not the eldest. She did not need to be responsible. She did not need to be strong for someone else. She was just _Mina_.

“But you’re so unfair, you know?” Sana whipped her head in her direction at the sudden accusation. “First it was Momoring, then now you…” She bit down on her lips, her brows turned downward, as her shoulders trembled with the world closing in on her. “You told me you’d stay by me after she left us. But why did you have to go, too?”

“I’m right here, Mi-tan”, Sana tried to tell her, but Mina did not hear. Frustration filled her, unable to say the words that she so badly wanted to say. She placed a hand on her slender ones. _I never really did leave._

“It was always the three of us, but now I’m the only one left,” her whimpers continued, face contorting. “But I don’t hate you as much as I wanted to. Because I know you didn’t want to leave, too.” Mina looked up then, guilt written all over her face. “I should have listened to you more when you told me you were scared. I should have negated all your fears and reassured you more that nothing bad was going to happen and maybe then…” Sana observed her hands closing into tight fists, shaking in pent up anger. “Maybe then you’d still be here.”

She took deep breaths once more through pursed lips. Sana counted with her in her mind.

Just like how she used to calm Mina down whenever she battled with herself.

“ _Mianhae,_ Sattang.” Sana shook her head as if to say, _no, don’t blame yourself_. “I’m so, so, sorry. Please forgive me.”

 _Oh, Mi-tan_ , Sana thought despondently, embracing the young girl she had always sworn to protect. _There’s nothing to forgive._

•••

There was a certain sense of paying a price that came with remembering, Sana thought.

 _Before_ , she was perfectly content with hovering about the house and playing with Ah-ri when his mother was not looking or when she was not around.

Perfectly content with admiring and wondering about the hangings on the wall.

Perfectly content with keeping Dahyun warm when the night fell.

But _now_ , it felt as though she was hit by a ton of bricks that effectively woke her up from her dream-like state and forced her back into the harshness of reality of the _this_.

She could hear the sound of glass breaking all around her, and she could not escape it, and now all she could think of is how it all just _made sense_.

The way Ah-ri looked at her that night.

The way he immediately warmed up to her.

The way that she was fascinated by the stories in the journal and those that were left unspoken by the multitudes of photos and candles and the tea and plant collection all around.

The way that she wanted nothing more but to protect Dahyun from herself.

It was because she was Ah-ri’s other mom; Dahyun’s other half.

She lived that life. Albeit not to the fullest, it seemed.

Ignorance was bliss, or so they said, and now Sana knew perfectly well what that entailed.

Sana was huddled up next to the bed, arms around her legs, as she stared up at the old dusty cabinet that greeted her that first night.

What once seemed to be something friendly now felt like it was just taunting her.

“Why?” Sana spoke into nothingness. “Why am I still here if I’m dead anyway?”

Nothing.

“Why do I have to see them like this?”

Still, nothing.

Sana had never been the type to get angry. Never liked the feeling it gave her.

Anger was the hovering dark clouds and seeing red and the tight band wrapping itself around her temples, squeezing.

Anger was suffocating. All-consuming.

And now it was all that Sana felt.

She stood up then, banging against the proud cabinet that mocked her existence. “ _Wae!?_ ” She pounded her fists as much as she could to get any reaction. “Why!? Why did you take me away only to put me back!? Why!?”

But still, nothing.

A swift movement caught the corner of her eye.

Only to see her own dishevelled, infuriated self looking right back at her. Chest rising and falling deeply.

She stood in front of the window to look at her own reflection. To look at the contempt and all that self-pity manifesting themselves in salty fluid that lined her cheeks, cascading nonstop.

She reached a hand towards window, towards the reflection of the ghost that felt sorry for herself. “What is this cruel joke that the universe had to play on us?” She closed her eyes. “What did I do to deserve this?”

The door creaked open just then. She opened her eyes, reflexively wiping at them, as she turned her head to the right.

There stood a small creature hesitating by the entryway, waiting for her to invite him in.

Her heart softened, all the anger dissipating into thin air at the mere sight of his son looking at her with his beady eyes. She held out her hand for Ah-ri to run into, which he gladly accepted and immediately started licking at her palm. She sniffled. At least someone still acknowledged her.

“You missed me so much, didn’t you, Ah-ri?” At the sound of his name, Ah-ri lifted his head up and stared at her with his big puppy eyes, whimpering at the same time. “Are you crying? Why are you crying?” He gave a low whine. “Is it because Dahyunnie left you alone today? It won’t be for too long, I promise.” She pecked the top of his head. “Your _eomma_ is here. I got you.”

Ah-ri climbed on top of her and started to snuggle up into her armpits. Sana chuckled at his actions.

“Come here, let me shower you with love.” She carried him up into her arms like a proper infant and swayed him around in her arms around the room while booping his nose and cooing at him. It was one of the things that she loved to do to Ah-ri, and no doubt the dog loved it just as much, judging by the way he would close his eyes the more that he got rocked about.

She smiled down at him, lovingly staring at the small smile that likewise formed in the dog’s lips.

It was something that she could never get enough of. And she was thankful for him, for he gave her something to be happy about in the midst of the bitter reality that she was thrown into.

The sound of the front door followed by the call for attention from the woman that she loved caught Sana’s ear. “Ah-ri-ah,” Sana spoke his name quietly, waking him from his light slumber. When he opened his eyes, she beamed. “Let’s go. _Eomma_ is back.”

•••

It was two days later when Sana was roused from her sleep by the sounds of hurried footsteps and frantic movements that went in and out of the bedroom.

When she opened her eyes, she found that neither Dahyun nor Ah-ri was beside her on the bed.

Rather, there she was rushing all the way from outside the room then towards the bathroom and right back out.

 _Now_ with a bulky vacuum cleaner in her willowy arms.

 _What is going on here?_ Sana thought, both confused and amused at the same time.

She followed Dahyun outside. She had a phone stuck in between her soft cheeks and her pointed shoulders, her face in a scrunch as she manipulated the vacuum about. “How did you even get this thing to work?”

Sana heard a muffled voice through the receiver.

“What do you mean I just – ” she asked with a frown as she flipped the device over and – “hit it?” The sound of the machineries roaring filled their ears. “Oh.”

Sana giggled despite herself at Dahyun’s face.

Which was at least ten times more pleasant (less stressed perhaps?) now than it was a few minutes ago.

“I love you so much, Chaeyoung, I could kiss you right now.”

 _Oh, so that’s who she was talking to._ Sana could swear she heard the other girl cursing Dahyun over the phone. Dahyun let out a melodious laugh.

Then she stopped, humming as she listened to Chaeyoung on the other end. “Oh, um…” She glanced at the clock hanging on the wall. “In maybe five hours or so? I’m picking him up from the airport then we’ll celebrate here.”

Sana furrowed her brows in confusion. _Who’s coming?_

“Yeah, yeah,” Dahyun affirmed as she moved across the room. The disturbed Ah-ri watched her every moment from where he laid down on the carpeted floor with a chew toy. “I’ll be fine. You guys sure you won’t be able to make it?” She waited for an answer, then nodded. “ _Arasso_ , I’ll relay it to him. Hey – “ she paused as she crouched by the keyboard, reaching for the dust that collected by themselves in the farthest corners of the room. “I’ll call you back later. Okay, thanks again, _Annyeong!_ ”

She stood up as she ended the call. Sana could feel the jitters radiating off Dahyun’s every moment. It was contagious. And it sometimes irked Sana before until she got used to it and eventually found it endearing.

Dahyun did a double take when she felt Ah-ri looking up at her. She gave him a warm smile. “Ah-ri-ah,” she said. “You’re taking a bath today, alright? We both need to look good.” The dog only blinked. “ _Harabeoji_ is spending New Year’s with us.”

•••

She heard them before she even saw them.

Dahyun had been gone for a good five hours already when the distinct clinging of the metal keys sounded off from the front door. Sana had spent that time accompanying Ah-ri again with the books that Dahyun kept safe over the years.

Ah-ri leaped out of Sana’s arms, turning back only once to see if she was right behind him. Sana gave an encouraging smile, following suit until she stopped at the hallway where she could see the familiar backside of someone she had (guiltily) not thought about since remembering.

“Look who’s here, Ah-ri!” Dahyun exclaimed excitedly, squatting down to pet him. “It’s _harabeoji_!”

Sana stood still in the same place as she watched Ah-ri take a sniff at the man’s hand before wagging his tail at him. The familiar eyes that resembled her own whenever she would stare at herself through the mirror crinkled when he got the acknowledgment that he received. He picked up the white Maltese, who eagerly licked his face once he was able to – much to the older man’s liking. “It’s good to see you, too, Ah-ri. Your grandfather missed you too.”

•••

For years, it had only been the two of them.

Little Sana and her dad, some smiled as they greeted them in the streets of Osaka.

Motherless Sana and her widowed dad, some whispered behind their backs when they thought would not hear.

It was inevitable for her younger self to feel bad about themselves whenever hurtful words thrown their way. Came _her_ way.

 _Why did mama have to leave us, papa?_ She recalled asking him at night before they went to bed.

She also recalled the tight-lipped smiles and the forehead kisses he gave her then to comfort the poor, young girl who did not know any better. _The person you love and loves you right back would never leave, my dear Sana_ , he would reassure her to sleep.

He taught her that the words they said in hushed voices did not matter. That the baseless opinions of the fool deserved nothing more than to fall on deaf ears and on deaf ears only.

He taught her to be the bigger person.

Her _otosan_ was her protector.

But what did you call someone who now had no wife and daughter?

What did you call someone who now had no one to protect?

All these thoughts ran through her mind as she stood beside her still tall and proud father in front of the framed photo of two girls cradling a white puppy in their arms, taken during a beautiful autumn day in what she now remembered to be Nara Park.

“Awww, Ah-ri, ah, look at you,” the man cooed, smiling, as Dahyun came out of the bedroom with a comfortable Ah-ri closely behind, clad in knitted white sweater.

“Mina-unnie made it for him,” she informed him as she stood on Sana’s other side. “It looks great on him, doesn’t it?”

“It is,” Mr. Minatozaki nodded, the grin never dropping from his face. “Minari has always been talented with her craft.” He looked back at the frame hanging on the wall. “I remember this photo,” the man told Dahyun.

 _Of course you would, papa_. Sana smiled through her tears. _You took this._

The memories of the soft autumn breeze came back to her. The fresh, cool air of Japan hitting her face in all the right ways.

The excited though nervous laughter that she shared with both Dahyun and her father as they chased after an equally excited Ah-ri who wanted to befriend the towering deer.

The way that it all just felt so light and perfect that Sana considered that one autumn day as the best day of her life.

Dahyun stood beside them. “She loved that day,” she said, reaffirming Sana’s fond thoughts, as her eyes roamed over the photo, remembering.

“She really did.” The corners of her father’s eyes formed wrinkles as he smiled his eye smile. He then turned to the younger girl with an agenda. “Let’s get started, shall we?”

•••

It was a few hours to midnight. Dahyun and the senior Minatozaki had just finished cooking their New Year’s dinner and were setting up the table. Jazz music played from the living room to lighten up the mood, and Sana recognized it as one of the vinyl collections that her father played back at home in Japan. Nostalgia hit her hard, especially since the scent of the food they were making sneakily filled her nostrils.

“ _Otosama_ ,” Dahyun called out from the dinner table. “Father, I’m done setting.”

“ _Hai_ , Dahyunnie-kun,” Mr. Minatozaki replied, thrilled, as he poured the soup to the bowls. “And I’m done as well. I’m bringing these in. Are you sure Minari and Chaeyoung-san won’t be able to come?”

“ _Iie, otosama_ ,” Dahyun answered regretfully as she grabbed the tray from Mr. Minatozaki when he got closer to the table. “No, not tonight. They’re staying over at Chaeyoung’s parents’ house tonight.” She gestured to their seats and together they sat down, looking proudly at the outcome of their hardwork. “They extend their apologies and told me they’d make up for it, though!”

The man nodded while Sana came closer to the two, only halting her footsteps when she noticed the preparations that they had made.

On the table was a plate of _konbumaki_ and another, bigger one with varieties of _sushi_ and her father’s own _ozoni_. There was also a plate of _mandu_ and _bulgogi_ with cups of rice on the side, and, last but not the least, a pot of _sujeonggwa_ for refreshments.

It was all of their traditional celebratory meals with Sana.

But what struck her the most was not the fact that they served all that food, no. It was the two, extra set of plates and mugs and utensils placed right next to Dahyun’s and her father’s on the dining table. Sana’s heart lurched.

“To Sana and her mama,” Mr. Minatozaki said, raising his cup of _sujeonggwa_ for Dahyun to toast to, while he glanced at the empty seats next to them.

“To Sana and auntie,” Dahyun replied softly. Smiling sadly.

Sana took it as an invitation to sit down and join them on. She looked on fondly at the two of the most important people in her life and listened in on their conversations about Sana and her childhood. She loved the way that Dahyun’s eyes crinkled at the side when her father brought up that one time that Sana almost fell into a cliff when she was young – something that Sana never forgave them for, but she loved them anyway.

Then the two went on to talk about what they had been up to for the past year.

Sana learned that her father was still working in the engineering firm that he helped built from the ground up with his friends from college. Her father also apparently got into the same hobbies as Sana, for now he had his own mini garden in the backyard of their home in Osaka. Then, on the weekends, he would bring his harvest to the neighborhood market to sell and was both proud and regretful of his green thumb because he could not believe that he – “had that talent all this time”, he said with a jest.

Both Dahyun and Sana were likewise glad when Mr. Minatozaki brought up his plans to fulfil his dreams of travelling abroad. “I think it’s about time,” he said, somewhat resigned. “I think Sana would have wanted me to do that too.”

And for the first time, Sana was content with how things played out after her passing. She was glad that her her father found a home in each other through her, and that they were, in their own way, beginning to find themselves again beyond the life that they had with her.

He looked at Dahyun with a warm smile. “What about you, Dahyun-kun? How have you been?”

She gave him a curt smile. “I’ve been well, _otousan_.” She swallowed the meat that she was chewing. “Mina-unnie’s parents offered me a job as a freelance writer and editor. Work from home and pays generously, so that really works well for me and Ah-ri.”

Sana did not expect anything less from Dahyun. She never did like talking much about herself to other people. She had a talent for being the conversational woman who was so good with words – too good, in fact, that she was able to talk so much without revealing anything at all. Sana knew that Dahyun prided herself with it.

Her father in approval. “And Dr. Kang? Have you seen her again?”

 _There’s that name again_ , Sana groaned. _Who is this Dr. Kang?_

Dahyun shook her head beside the invisible girl. “I haven’t yet, but I did send her and her wife a package when I got back.”

Mr. Minatozaki took a sip from his drink. “And your parents? Your older brother? How are they?”

“They sent their wishes well,” she replied nonchalantly.

She said nothing more after that, leaving the three to settle with their meals in silence, with only the occasional soft clanging their chopsticks and utensils against their plates. Sana felt sad upon hearing about Dahyun’s family. Part of her hoped at least that she would be more in contact with them now that she was not around anymore, but, to her, it looked like it only broadened the already wide distance between her girlfriend and her family.

Her father, meanwhile, did not push the topic of the Kims anymore. Sana always loved that about him. He had always been mindful of people’s feelings, and she and Dahyun were no stranger to that.

“You know, Dahyun-ah,” Mr. Minatozaki spoke solemnly. “I still think about that day you came to me.”

Dahyun stilled in her movements, eyes not meeting the ones in front of hers. Sana frowned in confusion. _When was this?_

“I have to admit, I was surprised at first, but after it registered to me,” he sighed, content. “I was so happy that it was you who asked me for permission to marry my daughter.”

Sana’s jaw went agape as she looked back and forth accusingly between the two. _Marriage?_ Her eyes fixed on the pale girl next to her who had not looked up from her food still. _Dahyunnie?_

Her father continued. “I thought, there was no other man – or woman for that matter – “ The two of them laughed. “in this world more deserving of my daughter than you, Dahyun-ah.” Dahyun bowed her head even lower, nose turning a tad too reddish. “Sana-chan was lucky to have you.”

Dahyun shook her head in retaliation. “Not as much as she was lucky to have you, sir.”

He was pleased by her words. Still, he went on. “She loved you so much. Right from the start, you know?” Her father chuckled, reminiscing. “I even know about the first time you met because she wouldn’t shut up about it. That’s how much you made her happy.

“And, Dahyun – Dahyun-kun, look at me.” She raised her head finally, slightly cowering at the domineering figure before her, who only had nothing but fondness and admiration in his eyes for the young girl. “I know you’ve been beating yourself up for what happened. But the thing is...” He trailed off, mulling over the right words to say. “No one could have seen it coming. Maybe Sana-chan was really just bound to her _okaasan_ like that. Maybe it was really just their time.” Dahyun lowered her head again, blinking rapidly. “You should know that no one blamed you for it. Ever. Not even me.

“But I think you also have to hear this from me.” He smiled genuinely at her, his eyes showing no hint of anguish. “You should start forgiving yourself, Dahyun-kun.”

Sana placed her weightless hand over Dahyun’s tiny fist, which furled and unfurled on her lap as she fought back the urge to break down again on this momentous occasion. She ran her thumb across its smoothness, hoping to ease her emotions – an emotion that she now understood to be self-loathing. “ _Arigato gozaimasu, papa_ ,” she thanked him quietly. “I don’t think I would ever deserve your forgiveness but thank you.”

“You do not owe me an apology, my child,” he told her.

Dahyun did not have an answer to that.

Sana felt like she was doubting the man’s words.

“The only one you deserve forgiveness from is yourself,” he said, his voice dripping with honesty and consolation for the person across the table. “Forgiveness, my daughter, is not an easy feat, but...” he looked again at the empty seat beside his own.

The seat that was supposed to be for her _okaasan_. Her mama.

“You will realize how much it will set you free once you learn to accept that forgiveness has to begin from within yourself.”

•••

> _Sattang,_
> 
> _It was papa’s graduation gift for me and Dahyunnie to go back home to Osaka for a month so he can “properly meet the first girl I have bravely introduced to him” even though he had “always known that I was more into girls than I ever was for boys.” Oops -\\(o.o)/-_
> 
> _Mi-tan and Chaengie and Ah-ri went with us too – yay!!! It’s a full house for us. And honestly it really was. Our house in Osaka had never had as many occupants at a time before that. And I mean NEVER. But I could see how papa was so happy about it. He even impressed everyone with his cooking aigo this old man… >.<_
> 
> _Anyway, Sattang, the real reason why I’m writing to you is because not only did Dahyunnie meet papa… but mama as well._
> 
> _I had always had a difficult time with opening up about mama to people, but with Dahyunnie… I don’t know, Sattang, I just feel like she wouldn’t react in all the ways that I don’t want anyone to maybe? I feel like I’ve received enough pity as it is to last a lifetime._
> 
> _So we pulled up to the gate, and I’m telling you, Sattang, I don’t think I’ve ever seen Dahyunnie’s eyes become that big before ㅋㅋ_
> 
> _But Dahyunnie is smart. She understood right away where we were and held my hand so securely all the way up the top of the hill where mama’s tomb was. She immediately knelt down in front of her despite her being a Catholic to pay her respects and then I introduced her to mama, joking on the side that what’s up mom your kids kinda gay!_
> 
> _I told her about what happened to mama. How papa paced back and forth that night when mama didn’t answer his calls. How we received a call from the hospital in the middle of the night asking if we were related to her. The drive to the hospital. Papa barely keeping it together. All the things I didn’t understand back then except for three words: sudden cardiac death. I was 10 then._
> 
> _Dahyun didn’t say anything. She just let me talk and just hugged me super tightly I kinda wished she was there with me that night too._
> 
> _Then Dahyun surprised me and maybe mama from inside her grave when she talked to my her in freaking Japanese ㅠㅠ I hadn’t even realized how much she’d picked up from me… or maybe she took Japanese classes IDK all I know is that I was so touched ㅠㅠㅠㅠ_
> 
> _So that lasted for a while until Dahyun went completely silent, but I can tell she was still saying something to mama in her mind. I laid my head on her shoulder, felt her cheek on the top of my head, and we just kinda spent that time there in this serene silence on top of that chilly hill._
> 
> _When she was done, she bowed super deeply to my mom then faced me and took my hands for her to kiss. Now normally I would have joked about that BUT it was so ugh ㅠㅠ And when I asked her what she told mama, she just told me that it was a secret but it was a promise that she made to both her and me._
> 
> _You know, Sattang… I’ve had people tell me before that they loved me, but that moment right there with Dahyun made love more real to me than those words ever did. So real that I hope other people could have something like what we have too because I really really really believe, Sattang, that it will make the world a better place._
> 
> _In that moment I never thought I could fall for Dahyun even more than I already have. But more importantly, in that moment I knew that she was the only one I wanted to spend the rest of my life with._
> 
> _In too deep,_
> 
> _Sanapomu <3_

•••

Dahyun closed the journal with a deep, heavy sigh, as she looked out the bedroom window. It was 3AM and Dahyun had not slept a wink. But unlike the other nights, she kept to herself in the confines of her bedroom, for she did not want to worry the older man currently residing in the guest room.

Ah-ri was soundly snuggled next to her beneath the comforter, his head resting against Sana’s lap.

While Sana… Sana felt extremely overwhelmed with all the revelations that night that she did not know where to begin. Did not know how to react.

So she remained quiet. Anticipating.

Dahyun shuffled on the bed, bending slightly to reach for the drawer in the bedside table. Sana was worried that she might fall, but Ah-ri might stir in his slip, and she quickly remembered that Dahyun could handle anything where flexibility was the matter at hand.

She pulled out a folded knee sock with a single, familiar figure of a lightning bolt in stitched in it – one that Sana recognized to be hers. It had used to be her favorite pair of socks at night, after all, since she found that sleeping at night with long socks on were way more comfortable. With deft hands, Dahyun unrolled the said sock and turned it upside down until a tiny, velvety box fell on her palm.

Both of them stared at it. The inanimate object laid there unmoving yet deriding.

“Sana-chan,” Dahyun called out her name, surprising herself in the process. _Can she feel me right now?_ The younger girl resumed. “Remember that night after Christmas when I came home late and you got so mad at me but I just kind of half-apologized to you?”

She did. Almost too vividly if she were being honest.

Dahyun smiled bitterly. “I understand now why you were so mad. I mean, I know I always have, but reading your diary… it made me remember why you reacted that way and why you were so, incredibly frightened. I should have called you from my parents’ house. I really am sorry.

“But you see…” She fidgeted with the box in her hand. “I _was_ at my parents’ house, but before that, I actually went to meet your papa.”

 _Oh_ , she thought. _Oh, I see._

“Truth is, you weren’t the only one who was scared shitless that day.” She grinned, but it did not quite reach up to her eyes. “I asked permission from him to marry you.” She chuckled. _Of course she would chuckle._ Sana had to roll her eyes, not realizing that they were already brimming with tears. “He was really quiet for a long time. I thought he was going to beat me up in front of everyone or, worse, reject me before you even could.

“Eventually, he only asked me two things. And you know what he asked?” She gave a small laugh. “Well, first, he asked me to learn how to be a better cook than he is so that his only daughter is always well-fed.” Sana joined Dahyun with her giggles, as well. “And the second, well, he asked me that, if I were going to propose to his daughter, I should do it right.” She finally stopped fidgeting with the box and opened it, revealing something that Sana had never expected to be inside that very box. She felt that familiar sinking feeling at the pit of her stomach.

Her mother’s wedding ring.

“He said that I was the only person that he entrusted with those two: you and your mother’s ring, and that – “ She paused to swallow back the lump forming in her throat. “And that I could only get his approval if I promise to do those two things. And I did! Get his approval, I mean.”

Sana closed her eyes, letting the teardrops fall freely, as she let Dahyun’s words cloud her mind and thoughts.

“I’m so sorry I waited too long. I could have given you the world, Sana.”

 _But you did, Dahyunnie,_ Sana thought. _You gave me the world and even more than that._

“You deserved the greatest proposal ever. I wanted to propose to you under the moon on your birthday in hopes of giving you the best present ever – that is, if you had let me.”

_You know I would have let you. You know I would have said yes over and over. And yes, that would have been the greatest proposal ever._

“You would have made the most beautiful bride. We would have married where we’re accepted because both our cultures still have a long way to go but at least we’re taking a step towards beating all odds, right?” Dahyun stared up at the ceiling, imagining all the could-have-beens that ran through her head. Sana laid down beside her.

Vivid images flashed in their minds as Dahyun painted all the scenarios that she had perhaps planned out for them. It was like a watching a movie – only it was a film that had never been made.

“It would be a small wedding. Just your dad and our parents. A few friends. Mina and Chaeyoung would have been there, of course. And Ah-ri would have been the ring bearer.”

Both of them laughed, imagining the small Maltese padding along the carpeted aisle towards his mothers.

“And there’d be so many flowers of your own choosing because you loved pretty things. Then I’d pretend to look for you among the many flowers and you’d giggle even though you’ve heard that joke so many times before, but you love it, and I love you, and your giggles breathe life into those flowers.” Two pairs of glossy eyes crinkled in the moonlight. It was so characteristically Dahyun and Sana to be doing those things. That would have been the most beautiful wedding.”

She shut her eyes tighter. _Yes, that would have been the most beautiful wedding._

“And then,” Dahyun went on, wiping off the droplets that were forming at the corners of her small eyes. “We would have had a daughter. We would have named her Momo. After your old childhood friend because you said you always wanted to do something big in her honor.” This time, Dahyun let out a barely audible gasp, unable to contain it any further. “She would have taken after you. She would have been the most beautiful little girl.”

_Yes, Dahyunnie, she would have been the most beautiful girl._

“And she would have found a brother in Ah-ri and they’d have grown together and seen us as her embarrassing gay parents and Mina and Chaeyoung has her equally embarrassing gay godparents.”

Sana basked in the melodies of Dahyun’s soft laughter at her own jest. Maybe that was why they always joked and played around with each other. If something as mundane as the sound of laughter could brighten up an entire room, an entire day, would anyone be really act so cowardly as to forego such a chance?

“But we all know she’s not really. Embarrassed, I mean,” she countered. A knowing smile crept across her features. “Because the next thing we know, we were actually raising an equally gay child who claims to just want to befriend the cute girl.” Sana craned her neck towards the rambling girl, an eyebrow arching in suspicion. “After all, she does take after her mom, right?” She puffed her cheeks, embarrassed for herself, while the other unknowingly taunted her.

_Why this little…_

But then, Dahyun stopped laughing and shut her eyes tight. The clouds shifted outside the window, and Sana could make out something shimmering at the corner of her lashes. She took a couple of deep breaths, hurting yet satisfied. She whispered, more to herself than to the person she had been addressing: “It would have been nice, wouldn’t it have?”

Sana snuggled up close to her, head laying on her chest. Feeling every breath. Feeling every heartbeat that gave the ghost of herself a semblance of life. _Yes, Dahyun-chan_. _It would have been so nice._

“Happy New Year, Sana-chan,” she muttered, then let the deep slumber consume them through the night.


	4. The End - Part 1

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The beginning of the end.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this took a while. My laptop broke down on me last week and I just got it back a few days ago, so I was unable to work on this. T.T Here's a long ass chapter to make up for it (I hope).  
> But first: Twiceland has been crazy lately, hasn't it? I was so happy last February 10 aka my self-declared national holiday because so many good things took place that day (as a RevelOnce? Is that what you call ourselves? LOL) only for all this to happen :( But let's move past that and channel our energies instead into showering DubChaeng with love by streaming their reuploaded melody project and sending kind words their way. I really hope they're okay. :( Stream it here: https://youtu.be/5UMgw3V-Q5I  
> Onto the story! So this is part 1 of chapter 4. It was originally supposed to be a single chapter only, but it was becoming a bit lengthy, so I decided to split it into two parts. I added a bit more fluff to /somehow/ balance out the angst ♡  
> TRIGGER WARNING FOR MIMICS OF PANIC ATTACK SYMPTOMS. Also implied sexual content.  
> Unbeta-ed. Please forgive any errors!

_She could see and even_ feel _it all clearly: the high ceiling, the oak-coloured walls, the drying leaves that fell to ground, unaware they caught her attention from the periphery of her honey-coloured eyes._

_The sweet and bitter aroma of brewed coffee and the soft humming of the machineries that blended well with the hushed chitchats of those around them._

_The girl in the messy, top knot bun, seated comfortably across the table from her in that white oversized hoodie that she got her for one of their anniversaries, a small pocketbook held in her equally tiny hands that peeked out from the sweater paws that she wore._

_Dahyun._

_It was fall season. And they were spending the better part of the day in the quaint café that they used to frequent as students back when they were still in the university._

_On the cover of the book were angels – young and old alike – flying freely in the sky, upwards to that seemingly blinding light that did not bother them at all._

_In fact, they seemed rather drawn to it. Like moths to an eternal flame._

Paradiso _, the cover had read. One of her favourite books of all time. The nerd._

_She had not realized that she was absentmindedly smiling at her until she heard her chuckle right at her._

_“_ Mwo? _”_ _she asked the smugly chuckling girl._

_She put her book down on the table then smirked back at her. “If you wanted to get my attention, you could have just said so.”_

_She playfully raised an eyebrow at her. “What are you so smug about?”_

_“_ Dwaesseo, _Sana-chan,”_ _she said, shaking her head and biting down on her lip to keep herself from smiling. “It’s nothing. I’m just being silly.” She stood up then from where she sat and towered over the table, reaching across for Sana’s top lip. “You, however…” She felt her thumb swipe at something then watched as Dahyun retracted her hand and held her thumb up for her own eyes to see._

_There, on the tip of her pudgy thumb was a creamy white foam that she got from her face._

_“… had a milk beard.”_

_Sana’s eyes widened in alarm as she wiped off the rest of the milk beard using the sleeve of her cardigan._

_Then, like they often did, they laughed at their own foolishness, earning a few snide remarks from other students who were situated by their table, and a couple of more cheerful ones from the more local patrons who knew them._

_Everything felt perfect to Sana._

_Until it was not._

_“D-Dahyun – “ Her laughter died down, her whole body now frozen in fear, as she saw something fall from Dahyun’s face right in front of her._

_The fear on the other girl’s face was now identical to hers. She looked just in time for her to catch the cascading object right in the middle of her palm._

_It was a tooth._

_Then another fell. And another. And another._

_And when Dahyun finally looked up at Sana, uttering her name in a question laced with anxiety, the terror written all over her face –_

_It was then when Sana felt coldness wash over her._

_“D-Dahyun-chan – “ She stood up, completely knocking her drink over and spilling its contents._

_But it was useless._

_For no matter how much she tried to reach for Dahyun, she could not._

_She only moved farther and farther away like an invisible force was somehow wedging itself in between the two girls._

_Sana tried to scream, but nothing came out._

•••

_And when she woke up, the first thing that she was able to say in the choked-out scream that she was unable to let out in her dream was but a single name._

_“Sana? Sana!” The woman beside her was already awake, propped up on one elbow and looking at her with worry. Her other hand was lightly tapping her on her cheek to bring her back to reality. “Sana. Sana-chan.”_

_As soon as Sana’s bleary eyes met hers, she broke down into tears, vividly remembering all the morbid details that she had to endure in that nightmare._

_She sat up and squeezed the other girl’s face, scanning and touching every part of her face and down to her arms, as if to convince herself that the two of them, right there on the bed that they shared in the darkness of the night, was real._

_That the love of her life was right beside her._

_Safe. Breathing. Alive._

_But the images were difficult to forget for the sweet girl._

_Still consumed by fear and trepidation, Sana pulled Dahyun close and hugged her tightly like her life depended on it. Maybe it did._

_Her breathing became more shallow, ragged; her heart beat rapidly and loudly that it seemed like it was all that she could hear and_ feel _then._

_She tightened her grip on Dahyun, trying to catch every breath that she felt like she was losing._

_The air around them just could not seem to be enough. Her head felt light it was floating._

_Her heart fluttered at an unsteady rhythm._

_“Dahyun,” she gasped. “Can’t – can’t breathe…”_

_“Sana?” Panicking, Dahyun held her face in her hands and lightly tapped on her cheeks, trying her best to keep her there with her. “Sana, breathe with me. Okay, look at me,_ jagi _. Look at me.”_

_She did as she was told and saw only horror swimming in the dark pools of her eyes and in the upward turn of her brows._

_She was trying not to cry, and Sana wanted to alleviate her fears, but she couldn’t. Not now when she herself was struggling._

Dahyun is here _, she told herself, a way to calm herself down. She had to._

_“I’m taking you to the hospital.”_

_Sana’s heart skipped a beat._

_For a second, she was transported back to that time when she was ten years old, where the walls were white, and the air smelled clean yet funny, and people rushed beside her, and her father hugged her tightly and repeatedly said,_ it’s going to be alright, Sana. It’s going to be alright.

_She had never stepped foot inside a hospital since._

_She violently shook her head, trying her best to get her point across to Dahyun. “No, no, no,_ jebal, _” she pleaded through a gasp, unable to stop the tears now. “Please don’t take me there.”_

_She willed herself to breathe. Dahyun was left at a crossroad. “But Sana… You’re getting paler...”_

_Sana was adamant. “I can’t… please.”_

_“But, Sana-chan…” She could almost see the conflict that Dahyun was having with herself in her head. She bit her lip, still unsure of what to do: follow her rationality or respect Sana’s wishes? “If something happens to you, I’ll never forgive myself,” Dahyun said, a crack managing to escape past the strong front she was barely managing to uphold._

_Sana, on the other hand, was still crying endlessly, but the will to calm herself down was stronger._

_She was_ not _stepping back inside a hospital._

_“I can’t, please,” she continued to plead, all the while gasping for air. “Air… need air.”_

_Dahyun managed to pull herself together and bring them both by the window, half-carrying the panting girl with her. “_ Arasso _,” Dahyun finally relented, opening the pane to let the air in. Sana could feel the chilling winter air travel down her windpipe and fill her lungs. “Okay. But you have to promise me you’ll breathe, okay?” Dahyun put her hand under chin and tilted her head up so that they could meet eye to eye. “Breathe with me, baby, okay?”_

_It was difficult at first for Sana to keep up with Dahyun’s deep breaths, but she knew she had to try._

_For Dahyun._

_For herself._

_(Inhale. Exhale. Watch her chest rise. Breathe out. 1, 2, 3…)_

_“You’re doing good, baby. Okay now breathe in…”_

_She soon felt herself being grounded back to where she was. She took a good look at the girl in front of her, listened only to her soft voice and breathing, focused on nothing else but the two of them existing there._

_Dahyun was fine. Dahyun was here. Dahyun was alive._

_It took a couple more minutes before Sana was finally able to honestly say that she was feeling okay already. A couple of minutes longer for the other girl to believe her._

_Her heart was not beating as loud anymore in her ears. The colour was starting to go back to her lips._

_And when Dahyun was, at long last convinced, she buried her face in the crook of the younger girl’s neck and stayed there, inhaling her scent._

_“_ Aishiteru _, Kim Dahyun,” she confessed with all her heart, weeping. She would be lying if she said that she did not get scared from the feeling of impending doom that had just transpired. “_ Gajima, gajima, jebal _,” she told her repeatedly, embracing her even more tightly. “Don’t go, Dahyun-chan. Please. Don’t leave me.”_

_And Dahyun, oblivious to the fact that she herself was the cause for Sana’s panicked state, only hugged her right back around her waist and glided her soft hands up and down her back, wanting nothing else but for her lover to be okay again._

_“Hush now,_ jagiya _,” she spoke in whispers as she let her cry into her shirt. “I’m here.” She pulled away from the hug slightly then held her cheeks so that they could look directly into each other’s eyes. “I’m here, Sana-chan. See? I’m here.” Dahyun moved her face closer to her to kiss her on her forehead, then on her nose, on either side of her cheeks, then lastly, on her lips where she let the feeling linger._

_Sana detached herself from the kiss, immediately missing the feeling that Dahyun had just given her. “Promise me, Dahyun-ah,” she asked. “Please, promise me you won’t leave me.”_

_Dahyun gave her a look so sincere she thought she would combust. “I’m not going anywhere, Sana-chan, do you hear me?” Sana nodded. “I promise.”_

_She enveloped the trembling girl in a tight hug once more while Sana took deep, however ragged, breaths and willed her body to stop reacting that way._

_Eventually, it did._

_She no longer felt lightheaded, like she was about to faint anytime soon._

_Part of her, the romantic, illogical side of her, thanked the heavens for giving her Dahyun for she was the one who held her up before she was about to break down._

_When she opened her eyes and saw the window behind Dahyun’s strong shoulders, she was reminded of the present time where they were._

_Snow fell like specks of dust and cotton against the dark, blank canvass of the night._

_The air never ceased to be cold during the entire ordeal. And she could see it in the gooseflesh forming on both hers and the other girl’s forearms. She had never been cold-tolerant after all._

_It all reminded her that it was winter. A few nights just before Christmas._

_It was not fall like what her dream suggested. They were not in the confines of their favorite café at daytime._

_Rather, they were within the safety of the four walls of their home._

_She was here._

_And more importantly, Dahyun was here. Unharmed._

_She let out a deep sigh, still taking the strength and comfort that Dahyun willingly offered her._

_And she felt that everything was fine._

_Or so she thought._

_A fly buzzed past her ear, catching her attention._

_She followed it with her eyes, the rest of her face still buried in the crook of Dahyun’s neck._

_– And watched as it suddenly dropped dead on the corner of the duvet._

_Black against the whiteness of the fabric._

_Unmoving._

_For the second time that night, Sana felt a chill running down her spine._

•••

Looking back at it now, she thought that that particular night was, perhaps, the beginning of the end.

•••

If there was one, distant childhood memory that Sana could confidently identify as her very first memory, it was this:

On one rainy day in their humble abode in Osaka, little, five-year old Sana was happily playing with her paper doll by the staircase when thunder clapped.

Even then, the young girl had never liked thunder, thank you very much, for it reminded her of anger. And in the cheery household of the Minatozaki family, anger was something that was not welcomed at all.

Then, as it turned out, her grandmother’s pet dog, who was staying with them for the weekend that time, shared the same sentiments regarding the fury of the heavens.

For as soon as the thunder roared and bounced off the walls of their home, the poor dog, bless his soul, hurriedly ran past the fragile, tiny Sana.

Taking both of them down the stairs, rolling.

And Sana, as hurt and injured as she was that time, did not find it in her to cry. At least not yet.

She laid still at the bottom of the staircase, completely stunned and left staring up at the low ceiling.

Then her mother’s face came into view.

She never did forget the way that her _okaasan_ reacted that day. How she must have been terrified about the entire fiasco yet retained her composure as she cautiously searched her daughter for any signs of brain or skeletal injury while reassuring the child that _she’s here. It’s going to be okay._

Okaasan _is here, Sana-chan_.

It amazed her how quickly her mother came to her side. She looked like a superhero or a fairy godmother that would always be there for Sana to shield her away from all the evil and the hurt that the world had to offer.

Maybe she was a superhero, _her_ superhero at the very least.

Now, five-year old Sana did not know much then at such a ripe age, but in that moment, as she observed her mother through her tiny eyes, she just understood – no, she _felt_ – what it was that her mother had for her.

Love.

It was surreal and it was beautiful and Sana knew right then and there that she wanted to be _exactly_ like her loving mother when she grew up.

That was when little Sana started to cry.

And so did her mother.

And so did her father when he entered the room and saw them like that.

(Luckily, though, Sana did not suffer from any major injury apart from a bump on the head. And her grandmother’s pet eventually became one of her closest friends growing up.)

•••

When her mother was untimely taken away from them five years later, she felt the extreme and drastic change in their home.

For a while, no longer was their house the laughter-filled, bright abode that she had grown up in.

No longer was her father the talkative man that educated her on what type of music was good and what was not.

And no longer was she the child that she was still supposed to be.

The loss of her mother, whom she thought would always be there for her as her own hero-slash-fairy, had caused such a massive shift in their dynamics – an instant, unforeseen, drawing to a close of a chapter of their lives – that it had the ten-year-old Sana and her now widower father both reeling from reality.

Her _otosan_ did his best to fulfil the role of both parents, though. Sana loved him all the more for it.

In the daylight, the two went about with their daily routine. They would eat the breakfast that her father had cooked. Talked about the weather and the homework that she had to finish. Then he would drop her off at school, and he would kiss her on the forehead, and they would go on about their daily lives. Separately.

And then they would endure.

For no matter how rote their lived their lives after, the gaping hole left behind by loss was still there, visible and manifested as that empty seat on the dining table and the lack of a lithe, brilliant woman prancing around to The Way You Make Me Feel. 

At night, when her _otosan_ probably thought that she was already fast asleep in her bedroom, Sana would crawl up next to the sliding door and listen to him crying over the loss of his wife and child’s mother. Over the loss of the love of his life.

And she could not do anything about it except get lost in her own thoughts.

Growing up, Sana had always admired the love that her parents had for each other. They were the type of married couple that never seemed to have gotten out of their honeymoon phase.

Completely, unapologetically, and, sometimes, sickeningly in love.

Every moment, they never hesitated to shower one another with affection, and as a result, Sana was able to experience and be at the receiving end of her parents’ insurmountable and unyielding love for their little family.

Before, she wished with every fiber of her being to anyone who was listening:

 _Please, please give me the kind of love that my parents have. Please, give me someone who would love me like how_ otosan _loves_ okaasan.

She did, after all, once wished to be exactly like her mother, did she not?

But _after_ , she was not so sure anymore if she still wanted that.

For the young girl, whose eyes were suddenly opened to the harshness that the world – the same world that brought her joy in all the past years of her life – became fearful of ending up the same way as her papa.

Because how could you go past the fact that the person you love and loved you right back was permanently gone?

How could you go on living with a new reality in which the person you promised to share your life with would not be able to fulfil that promise any longer?

Sana thought that she would not be able to stomach it.

And _now_ , as she watched her own father turning over repeatedly on the bed provided by the person that turned out to be the answered prayer to that wish of hers, Sana wondered.

How could he have gotten through losing both of the people that he considered to be his world?

•••

Mr. Minatozaki only spent the weekend in Dahyun’s residence for the New Year’s before he went back to Osaka.

On his last night, Sana found herself following her father to that corner that was made and remade for her. He stood there quietly observing for a good few seconds before he went down on his knees and sat on his heels.

And then he prayed in silence.

Sana knelt right next to him, pointing out to herself all the changes in her _otosan_ ’s face: the deeper wrinkles at the sides of his eyes, the longer creases that ran from his nostrils all the way down to the corners of his lips, the greying roots peeking out from his scalp.

The way that his smile no longer seemed to reach his eyes even though he always maintained a cheerful aura around those who were with him.

And the way that he continuously fiddled with something with his big, strong hands as he prayed in his mind.

He tilted his head downwards to look at it.

It was a miniature figurine of a baby Buddha holding purple flowers to his chest.

Sana recognized it right away: A _Jizo._

“Your grandmother had this made for me after you left us,” he narrated. Sana listened attentively. It was her first time seeing it. “I thought it was a bit unconventional at first, but then I realized…” He held it up to his eyes. “Isn’t its purpose to guide children who died before their parents? If taking care of one will help you not to get lost, then I’d gladly take care of one for the rest of my life.

“She regrets not being able to come with me, by the way,” he chuckled. “She finds it hard that she can’t visit your remains here. Wants me to take you with me.” He briefly glanced at the beads before shaking his head.

“Sana-chan,” he said lovingly into the thin air. Like how he used to when he greeted her at the gates of her school when the day ended. “I’ll be going back home tomorrow. And after that, who knows? Maybe I’ll get started on my long-awaited trip.” He chuckled to himself. “Or as you liked to call it, _soul-searching_.”

Sana grinned, remembering all the conversations she had with her father over the phone while she was at university.

_“_ Otosan _”, she would greet him sweetly, dragging out the last syllable too lengthily for anyone’s liking._

_Her father, in their home miles away, could smell the permission being thrown his way as soon as he heard her. “Where are you and Dahyun-kun having your honeymoon this time?”_

_She would laugh at his joke – one that they both knew was half-meant anyway. “It’s not a honeymoon, papa – “_

_He snorted. “Not yet.”_

_“_ Hai _, not yet,” she would affirm him, giggling. “And we’re going soul searching just for a week. You should try it sometime.” He grunted. “Or, you know, you could come with us.”_

_“And be your third wheel?”_

_“_ Ani – _oops_ – iie, _” she immediately corrected herself. “_ Gomenasai _, papa. Sorry. Force of habit.” He only laughed at her slip-up, reassuring her at the same time by saying_ gwaenchanhayo _as if to tease her. “I’m serious though. Travel with me and Dahyunnie. It’ll be fun. Three of us drinking on the beach – don’t you want that?”_

_“Of course I do,” her father replied in defiance. “Just not now. Once I retire maybe. You know how much they need me at work.”_

_She pouted, now looking at Dahyun next to her who was quietly hoping that the senior Minatozaki would agree. Dahyun pouted back, mirroring her girlfriend’s behaviour. “You disappointed Dahyun-chan.”_

_“Tell her to suck it up. I’m a big boy.”_

_That got Dahyun to let out a hearty laugh. Sana playfully slapped Dahyun’s arm as if to tell her nonverbally:_ stop encouraging him.

 _They simmered down after a short while, and when they did, her father spoke again into the receiver. “I’ll travel when I retire. Who knows, I might even pay for your_ not _-honeymoon when I come with.”_

_She and Dahyun shared a look filled with hope. “You promise, papa?”_

_“Of course I promise, Sana-chan,” he said, his voice laced with offense. “Now tell me where you two are_ soul-searching _.”_

Mr. Minatozaki rubbed his thumb across the length of the miniature statue. “I’m finally doing what you’ve always wanted me to do. I hope you’re proud of your father.” She nodded her head right away before realizing that – _oh, right_.

So she settled with listening.

“Don’t worry about me, though, once I go out of Japan. I’ve been studying English by myself during my pastime over the past year to prepare myself for this.” Sana felt proud of her father for making an effort. He deserved that much-needed break, that was for sure. “Europe better prepare for the storm that’s about to come its way,” he deadpanned. “It’s me. I’m the storm.”

Sana had to roll her eyes at his attempt to lighten the mood.

A sense of solemnity enveloped them then. The smile was gone now from his face, the jokes drying in his mouth. “Forgive me, Sana-chan, for never having gotten the chance to travel with you. I know how much you wanted to do it with me.”

 _Daijoubudesu, otosan,_ she said in her mind. It was what she would have said. _It's okay._

She believed that her father knew that too.

A faint smile reappeared on his face. On top of the solemn aura, it offered her – no, _them_ – solace.

“I guess we’ll have to travel separately for now, won’t we?”

Sana scooted closer to her father, wrapping her flimsy, imperceptible arms around his strong trunk.

The little girl within her hoped that he could feel her so that he could put his strong arms around her, as well.

Just as he did when he protected her all those nights from the roaring thunder. From the pitiful gossips of their unsubtle neighbours.

From the cruel world itself.

“Just…” He sighed. “Focus on yourself, my darling daughter. Focus on your own travel.” His eyes twinkled in the darkness as he looked down at the tiny figure in between his thumb and fingers. “Let _O-Jizo-sama_ guide you to your _okaasan_.” He tightened his grip around it.

They stayed like that for a while. Sana pretended to be a little girl again who needed protection from her father. She thought maybe that she always did.

“Do me a favor, Sana-chan?” he suddenly asked. “Hug her and tell her _aishiteru_ for me?”

Tears were running down her cheeks now. Tears that she was glad her father could not feel, for she did not want to worry him anymore.

Was this her father’s way of letting her go?

“I miss you both, and I can’t wait to meet you again. One day.” They remained there sitting on their heels; her listening to his steady breathing, and him biding his remaining time with her in that corner. She looked at the shiny beads that illuminated in the dark and gave off a warm glow to her father’s face.

He looked younger then.

“Please, don’t worry about me. I’m fine here. I’m still on the road to coming to terms with all of it, but one day I will – fully. That much I can promise you.

“Take care of yourself, Sana-chan. _Aishiteru_ ,” he whispered to her with finality.

Deciding to sleep so as not to miss his flight, her father stood up finally, still clutching onto the _Jizo_ even when he put his hands in the pockets of his hoodie. She walked him back to his bedroom, kissed his forehead goodnight, then started making her way back to her shared bedroom with Dahyun.

As she padded across the familiar path, feeling somewhat lighter from that indirect conversation with her father, Sana glanced upon the beads that seemed to be calling for her attention from the periphery of her field of vision.

What she saw properly made her stop in her tracks.

For the beads, which usually shone brightly – oftentimes even blinding in her eyes – in all their glory during all the time that she spent as a non-living human, were now casting a different glow from what she was used to.

They were dimmer.

•••

“ _Otosan,”_ Dahyun called out from the front door, a luggage in hand. “Mina-unnie and Chaeyoung said they’ll be here in about five. Are you ready?”

“ _Hai_ , Dahyun-kun,” he replied, Ah-ri trailing right behind him.

She smiled at the older man. “You have everything, papa? Do you need me to help you with double-checking your belongings?”

He politely declined with a shake of the head. “ _Kamsahamnida,_ Dahyun-ah _,_ ” he thanked her with the limited Hangul that he knew. Sana smiled at him appreciatively for reaching out to Dahyun in his own, little ways. “Thank you, but I have double-checked everything already. Besides, you’ve done enough taking care of me. You and Ah-ri both.”

The dog beside him perked up at the mention of his name. He stood up on his hindlegs and stuck out his tongue at her father, smiling widely. They all laughed at his excitement as Mr. Minatozaki bent down to pet him.

“Dahyun-kun?”

“Hmm, papa?” she asked, eyebrows raised, lips set in a thin line as she smiled at him.

“I saw the medical books in the guest room.”

Sana watched in puzzlement as the smile from Dahyun’s face fell. _Medical books? But she’s a writer._

Dahyun had no reply to that. Her father went on. “I understand that this is your way of making yourself understand everything. Trust me, I know,” he paused with a huff. “But you have to let it go, please.

“If not for me, then for Sana.” The man stood up, his tall features towering over Dahyun’s shorter stature. “But moreso for yourself.”

“I just don’t understand,” she finally voiced out. “All of the books, all of the doctors – they said that it wasn’t common for someone her age.” Sana watched her lip quiver, heard her voice faltering. “I just want to understand _why_ it happened to _her_.”

He looked at her contemplatively, sorrow etched in the dark of his eyes. “I didn’t understand it too when her mom was taken from us. I still don’t,” he finally confessed. “But accepting it was the only healthy way to do – not just for me but for Sana, too.”

Dahyun let herself cry now. Sana walked closer to her to hold her hand. “It’s just so unfair, papa,” she sobbed, a hand coming up to her eye to wipe the impending tears off with her sleeve. “Sometimes when I go out, I feel this… _resentment_ towards people I don’t even know because there they are right in front of me, being happy and able to go on with their lives and all while Sana… while Sana couldn’t anymore?

“Then I hear some people ranting about their petty problems and wasting away their lives, and I want to just scream at them to just _grow_ _up_ because at least _they_ still get to live while those like Sana who still deserved to live… who still wanted to live...” Her voice broke, unable to handle the pent-up emotions that burst out.

 _Dahyunnie,_ Sana wanted to say. In all the time that they had spent together, she had never known that her lover could be capable of bottling up that much grudge and sorrow. Until now.

She wondered what else had changed _after_.

“It’s just so unfair… how we still get to be here when she couldn’t? How the world never bothered to stop for her,” she spat out bitterly.

“My child,” he squeezed her arm comfortingly. “That’s why you have to live your life even more now.” Sana thumbed across her tiny hand hoping that she could feel her easing her pain. “Don’t put your life on hold. Do all the things you would have done together. Live your own for the life that she wasn’t able to. Do it for Sana-chan. She would have wanted that for you.”

Sana nodded in agreement with her father. _I do want that for you both._

“Am I going to have to make you promise again, Dahyun-ah?” her father asked teasingly.

She finally cracked a smile, the last of her tears falling on Sana’s hand that was still in hers. “What is it now, _otosama?_ ”

“It’s not going to be easy, but I believe you’re on your way there.” He reached for a handkerchief in his pocket then offered it for her to take. “Keep that. I have more at home.” Dahyun reached forward for the piece of cloth and mumbled a quiet _arigato_. “Promise me that you’ll do your best to let it go.”

“ _Arasso ­_ – I – sorry,” she cut herself off as soon as she realized it. “OK. I promise.”

The man only laughed. “Sana-chan was like that too.” Dahyun sniggered. “Bilingual show-offs.”

Sana’s mouth went agape at her father’s comment. With one hand still in Dahyun’s, she used the other to slap her father on his arm and hoped against all hope that he would feel how insulted she was.

_Ghosts have feelings too!_

They heard the soft knocks on the front door – immediately prompting Ah-ri to start barking at the door – followed by the soft voice belonging to Mina saying, “Dahyun-ah, _ojisan_! We’re here!”

Dahyun wiped the remnants of the outburst she just had with Mr. Minatozaki’s handkerchief then opened it for Mina. They exchanged pleasantries and mutual bows before Chaeyoung stepped forward with a piece of folded clothing meant for the older man.

“ _Ojisan_ ,” she addressed him. “Uncle, Minari and I made these for you. I… uh… I hope you like them.”

He delightfully took the parcel from her arms and unwrapped the paper packaging to reveal its contents.

Inside was a knitted wool sweater – “Ah-ri, we’re matching!” – to which they laughed, and within the piece of clothing was a tiny piece of paper, folded so carefully that it seemed illegal to undo it.

He flipped the paper over. Dahyun and Sana stood on either side of him to take a peek.

“It’s one of the last times that Sana-unnie asked me to make her a drawing,” she explained. “I thought maybe you’d like to have it, _ojisan_.”

She recognized what she was seeing right away.

_“Chaeng-Chaeng,” she sauntered towards where the younger girl was sitting by herself that day. “What you got there?”_

_“Just… doing whatever, unnie,” she said hesitantly, hiding her face. Sana peeked over her shoulder and saw her doodles that could pass off as the Chaeyoung’s trademark style of art. She never did understand why she got shy around people looking at her work._

_Which was why she always made it a point to encourage her in her own little way. “Will you draw me, Chaeyoung-ah?”_

Sana looked up at Chaeyoung, who was busying herself by pretending to scratch her nape and sliding her foot across the wooden flooring. Mina placed her hand on the small of her back as if to say, _you did great, love. You did great._

She smiled at the blonde whom she saw as her little sister – a little sister that she could always be proud of. Chaeyoung loved art, and to be her subject was something that Sana would love to boast out loud for the whole world to hear.

Her father smiled widely at the piece of art in his hands. It was a cartoon drawing of Sana holding up her hands at the back of her head to make it look like they were her puppy ears. “It’s perfect, Chaeyoung-ssi.” The older man regarded her as he neatly folded it and tenderly placed it in the photo slot in his wallet. “ _Gomawo_.”

•••

When Dahyun went back home after sending off her father in the airport, Sana noted that she was more deeply engrossed in her own thoughts than usual.

She dropped her bag, went straight for the kitchen to make herself a cup of coffee, then leaned against the counter with the Christmas mug that Sana got for themselves.

Just staring at nothing in particular.

Sana felt Ah-ri walk up beside her. They shared a look. A look that passed off as an unspoken understanding between the two of them.

 _Something’s wrong with my mom_ , she imagined Ah-ri reporting to her.

She nodded her head at Dahyun’s direction, silently commanding to _go, ask her for food or something_.

The smart dog was quick to follow.

He padded over to his mother with his tiny little feet and stayed there waiting to be acknowledged.

Dahyun immediately snapped out of the trance that she was in as soon as he came into view. She crouched down without a word, patted him on the head, then went ahead to fix him up his dinner.

Ah-ri looked at Sana again when the other girl was not looking. _I tried_ , was what Sana thought he was trying to convey. Sana could only giggle to herself.

The minute interaction seemed to have done something for Dahyun, though. As soon as Ah-ri had busied himself with his dinner, she downed the rest of her coffee, put it in the sink, then went out of the kitchen all the way back into the living room.

– All the way to the front of the hanged photo of them in Nara park where everything was beautiful and when everything was still right in their little world.

But what struck Sana the most was not the fact that they once again found themselves standing on the same spot. What _did_ strike her was when Dahyun did the one thing that Sana hadn’t even realized she was missing until she watched the other woman take off the dusty keyboard cover and sat herself in front of its monochromatic keys.

And when she played the first E flat chord and closed her eyes, Sana almost felt herself melting.

 _Dahyun-chan,_ she used to capture her attention sweetly followed by a giggle.

 _Ne, jagi? What is it?_ she would answer with a hum.

 _You know I love IU, right?_ she used to ask suggestively.

A pause. There would always be a pause. Then Dahyun would feign an unamused look at her then ask, seemingly exasperated: _What song is it this time?_

Dahyun, despite not having touched the instrument for what Sana assumed to be over a year now, was still able to capture every note perfectly. It was amazing what muscle memory could do.

And to see Dahyun, with her eyes closed, her face at peace, and only her hands and fingers gliding smoothly over the keys… it was a sight to behold for Sana.

She sat down next to the focused girl, took another glance at her marvelous side profile, then laid her head on her shoulder.

And when the chorus began, she sang.

_My lullaby, baby sweet good night._

Sana loved every second of it. Relished in the feelings that were taking over the emptiness that came with the ghost of herself.

For here were two people who were very much still in love.

‘Til death did them part.

Even though they never really got to say the words.

•••

> _Sattang,_
> 
> _I haven’t been here in a while, have I? ㅋㅋㅋ Mian_
> 
> _I have a good reason tho and I think you’ll be really happy for me ~(^•^~)_
> 
> _I moved in with Dahyun-chan!!_
> 
> _Well.... I have since we graduated months ago ㅋㅋ_
> 
> _It’s not so different from when we were still living in our own dorms in uni since we were always together anyway._
> 
> _But at the same time it is!! In a lot of ways! ㅠㅠ_
> 
> _First is that for the first time ever, Mi-tan and I don’t live together anymore. I’d say I miss her, but we always see each other anyway since... wait for it... she lives with Chaengie now too ㅎㅎ we just exchanged roommates ㅋㅋ and we see each other every weekend._
> 
> _Second is that I play the role of a mom now!! This is Ah-ri when he’s asleep: ㅜㅅㅜ ㅋㅋㅋ gwiyeoweo i love him so much all the more because he’s such a good boy and he plays with me more than he does with Dahyun-ah ㅎㅎ_
> 
> _And lastly... Dahyun-chan._
> 
> _It’s been an absolute dream living with her, Sattang. Like you don’t have any idea ㅠㅠ_

Sana looked up at the girl reading the journal beside, _with_ her. Moving in with Dahyun was one of the best decisions in her life. And even in her current form, Sana's opinion had not changed a single bit. 

It was a dream living with Dahyun. 

And it was the kind of dream that she wished she would not wake up from.

> _I love waking up to her baby face and showering her with kisses and she’d pretend to be disgusted by my morning breath, but she loves me anyway._
> 
> _I love how we’ve never missed having breakfast together no matter how busy we got at work. She’s still learning how to cook tho ㅋㅋ but she’s getting there. And she indulges me in my Search for the Best Tea Ever so I’m not complaining \\(^~^)/_
> 
> _People often complained about us before because when we’re together, we could get so noisy since our energies were synergistic. But now we could do anything we want!!_
> 
> _There’s a lot of singing in the morning or while she’s showing off her piano skills =_= ㅋㅋ and bumping our hips and shoulders while we’re cooking or brushing our teeth together._
> 
> _There’s a lot of random fun facts like how the Mamma Mia cast were apparently drunk during filming and random questions she’d throw into the air out of nowhere. Like when she’d suddenly ask me out of nowhere: Sana-chan, what time were you born?_
> 
> _She thinks I don’t know what she’s driving at ㅋㅋ_
> 
> _One of the perks of dating a girl, and I think you’d agree on me on this one too, is that we get to share clothes! Like not just the girlfriend hoodies although I do steal a lot of that from her ㅋㅋ but we share shirts and even slides as well! It amazed me too, at first. I didn’t think her slippers would fit me but here we are ㅋㅋㅋㅋ She likes doing our own nails too. Says it’s therapeutic for her, but really she just doesn’t want to spend her own money ><_
> 
> _There’s a lot of random bursts of energy, above all! We spontaneously dance around a lot and, Sattang, let me tell you. When we dance, we **dance**._
> 
> _It could go from epic dance battles over the latest girl group releases that would end up in us literally rolling on the floor laughing at our own stupidity._
> 
> _Then sometimes she’d take her hand out for me to reach while I’m lounging around and then we’d slow dance out of nowhere to Sunset Rollercoaster (Chaengie’s influence) or Ami Ozaki from my mama’s city pop collection or Human Nature because Dahyun-chan knows how much I love it and I hope she knows how much I love her too._
> 
> _We just have so much fun together it’s ridiculous ㅎ_
> 
> _And the sex, Sattang.... you have no idea ㅋㅋ her hands are not just made for the piano ㅋㅋㅋㅋ_

In real time, from right beside Sana, Dahyun choked on the water that she was drinking. Sana giggled, positively satisfied with herself.

> _That’s not to say that we only have ups tho!_
> 
> _We do get into fights too! Like when she thinks I’m spending too much in my Venture for New Hobbies._
> 
> _Or when she thinks I’m being too pushy when I’m getting her to visit her family._
> 
> _Or when I get mad at her when she’s retreating too much and too long to herself and not communicating to me about her feelings and I want to pull her out of that self-destructive behaviour of hers but sometimes she’s just too stubborn!_
> 
> _Heol... ㅋㅋㅋ_

This time, she glared at the girl beside her who had the nerve to look sheepish.

> _But you know what’s really great about us, Sattang?_
> 
> _It’s going to sound so cliche ㅎ but we never sleep mad at each other. We always talk about it whether she likes it or not because I don’t like sleeping with a heavy heart, and I want her to imbibe that to her character too._
> 
> _Besides, if we don’t sleep together, it will feel too cold and she knows she likes it better when I’m being her big spoon. ㅅㅇㅅ_
> 
> _It’s really been a dream, Sattang. She is a dream. And I love seeing how much we’re maturing. We’ve set our own boundaries for ourselves, and we know when to cross it and when not to cross it because, while we love and need to grow together, we understand that we also have to grow as individuals. ♡_
> 
> _She’s never even opened you, Sattang, even when I just leave you lying around wherever ㅋㅋ_ mian
> 
> _Sigh, I really love her, Sattang. I really do._
> 
> _Let her be the endgame for me_ jebaaaal
> 
> _See? I told you you’d be happy for me,_
> 
> _Kim Sana_

•••

Since the weekend of her father’s visit to celebrate the New Year with her lover, there had been a discernible shift in Dahyun’s overall aura, Sana keenly observed.

There was lightness in the way that she carried herself now, and her usually youthful appearance was made even more sprightly over the past few days.

She looked brighter.

And with her, so did their home.

The house resembled more of the humble abode that Sana had known before: an organized clutter of sorts with lots of the junk food and yogurt and chocolates that they liked for their midnight snacks and sleepless movie nights.

She heard her favourite songs being played again by Dahyun, too. This time, willingly, and without Dahyun having to enter a trance of her own without even realizing that she had already been crying.

Being with Dahyun in her happier disposition again reminded Sana of the Dahyun that she had known. The Dahyun that lit up the entire room with her bright, wide smile and made everyone’s tummies hurt from all the jokes that she cracked and the annoyingly hilarious faces that she made.

Sana used to tell her that she was her Vitamin D.

Dahyun would jokingly flirt right back by calling her _her_ Sanatonin. 

People who looked at them from the outside said they were perfect for each other. They never once denied it.

Her eyes and nose crinkled as she laughed at the pair of mother and son running after each other and Dahyun jumping on the furniture just because Ah-ri _could not_ , and then she would in turn laugh at the whining dog before coming down to pick him up and laugh more at him. Not _with_ him.

And seeing Dahyun look so carefree as she played and danced around with Ah-ri while all their favorite songs blasted from the record player reminded Sana of the Dahyun that she fell in love with.

Sana felt like she was falling for her all over again.

There was a pause in the music as the record player transitioned to the next song.

As soon as that familiar, 80’s synth instrumental came on, both Sana and Dahyun stopped in their tracks to take a look at the source of the music.

She nervously glanced at the silenced girl – her own way of measuring up how she would react this time since she did not voluntarily play the song.

Because she knew Dahyun.

Sometimes she felt things. Too much and all at the same time.

And sometimes she could relapse even from the slightest trigger, or in this case, the vaguest memory.

But Dahyun… Dahyun remained stoic through it all.

She carefully put Ah-ri back down then walked over towards the slight clearing in front of the player; Sana trailing her on her heels.

What transpired next threw Sana off.

Dahyun closed her eyes, listening attentively, then lifted her hands forward, elbows bent, up in the air until they were just above the level of her hips.

Then she started swaying.

The ghost of Sana, overcome with a myriad of emotions that was heralded by longing, placed herself in position right there in front of Dahyun.

It felt right.

 _If they say why, why_ , the song resounded in her ears.

Feeling a lump forming in her throat, she slowly let her hands creep up Dahyun’s torso, then settled her forearms right above her shoulders, her hands intertwined right behind her neck.

She leaned her head against the other girl’s. Like how they used to when they did _this_.

She looked down at Dahyun’s pale, small hands and saw that she somehow managed to place them on the small of her back.

_Tell ‘em that it’s human nature._

Sana had to smile. _I guess the piano wasn’t the only thing that her muscle memory worked for._

Dahyun’s hands still held her tiny waist so delicately. And hers still fit perfectly around her nape. Their hands were right where they belonged. Like the two remaining puzzle pieces that would complete a perfect picture if only they weren’t, in a way, a world apart.

Sana relished in the feeling that Dahyun gave her. Wanted nothing more but for Dahyun to feel Sana’s hold on her the way she does hers.

But she guessed her imagination would do.

She imagined Dahyun feeling the controlled heaviness of her arms that rested atop her shoulders. The soft tickles that her hands would give at the back of her neck as she absentmindedly played with her cascading, soft locks.

She imagined Dahyun feeling the steady pressure of her forehead against her own. The tingling feeling laced with anticipation caused by their eyes looking at nowhere else but their lips and their steady breaths tickling against their mouths before they pressed them against one another.

She imagined Dahyun feeling the same way that she did in that moment. And in all the other moments when she wanted nothing more but to make her feel her love.

Maybe, Sana thought, maybe if she imagined hard enough, she would actually feel all this. Maybe it would be enough.

The tears were running down both of their faces now as they imagined the little scenarios they had created for themselves right there in their heads.

As they did their best to recreate their little slow dances in the living room that was only illumined by the light from the kitchen that they left open just because they got too excited.

They took small steps – left then right, forward then back without any direction in mind – as they swayed along and let themselves get carried away by the music.

_I like living this way._

For in that moment, the rest of the world was mere background noise to the little space, the tiny bubble that they had created for just the two of them. Nothing else mattered but the two girls and the feelings that they shared for one another. Only for each other.

_I like loving this way._

It was transcendent and it was real, and Sana thought to herself that she would not mind if she could just remain there with Dahyun forever.

•••

One day, the three of them received a surprise visit.

It was a lazy Saturday morning, and Dahyun was rereading the early entries in Sana’s journal, the owner of the said journal laughing next to her and Ah-ri pretending to understand the words, when the doorbell rang.

Ah-ri sprang out of Dahyun (and Sana’s) arms with a loud bark; his parents right behind him. “Coming!” Dahyun exclaimed.

When she opened the front door, they were startled to see an unexpected visitor on the other side. “Dahyun-ah,” she said.

“ _Eomma,_ ” Dahyun greeted, clearly taken aback.

•••

The first time that Sana met Mr. and Mrs. Kim, she knew that she was going to have to work a bit harder to gain their approval merely for being a woman dating their _daughter_.

She did not blame them at all, not really. She understood that beyond their beliefs, it was also their upbringing that made them indifferent, to say the least, to their relationship.

And she had to respect that.

She could not expect everyone to share the same outlook in life as they did.

Where Dahyun was oftentimes the life of the party, her parents were more of the reserved, serious type.

In reality, the exact same reservation could be seen in the polarity in Dahyun’s personality that she barely showed anyone. Even Sana took a while before Dahyun let her see the introspective and quiet side of hers.

Nonetheless, Sana knew to herself that what they had for her and their relationship was a different kind of hesitation that was reserved only for that purpose.

She might get lost in her thoughts often, but she was _not_ dumb.

Their awkwardness around her was palpable.

Sana was decent, at least, to her lover’s parents. She had high regard for them primarily for raising a person as beautiful as Dahyun.

But sometimes she just wished for them to stop holding onto the golden child version of Dahyun who obeyed their command and for them to start accepting Dahyun for who she had become.

Sana sometimes wondered if she was causing a rift, but, she did not bother to.

She was scared of the answer.

Besides, Dahyun never really said much about it.

Now, Sana could see that the younger girl was more tense than usual owing to the presence of the said surprise guest. She was more meticulous with her actions and even in the way that she spoke, as compared to when she conversed freely with Sana’s father.

Sana was surprised that Mrs. Kim had the same energy about her right then, as well.

Dahyun placed the cups of tea on the coffee table where the food that her mother brought and made were carefully laid out as well for them to feast on.

They soon found, however, that neither of them had the appetite for any of it.

Mrs. Kim scanned her daughter with a smile. “You look better, Dahyun-ah,” she said.

Dahyun had the urgency to feel bashful. “ _Kamsahamnida, eomma_ ,” she replied. “Thank you. I do feel better.”

“Have you been back to Dr. Kang lately?”

Sana was quick to notice the way that Dahyun flinched. “ _Aniyo_ ,” she shook her head. “Not yet. I’m biding my time.”

“She’s your distant cousin, Dahyun.” Mrs. Kim sighed disappointedly. “I’m sure she’d love to hear from you.”

“I know, I know,” Dahyun said curtly. “But like I said, I’m biding my time.”

Sana frowned in puzzlement at her lover’s words. Some days she really wished that she could read her mind, and today was no exception.

Mrs. Kim decided to change the topic. “You mentioned S – “ She held back the name, careful not to upset the master of the house. “ _Her_ father stayed with you for New Year’s, you said?”

“Oh.” Dahyun was taken aback. “Yeah, he did. He just left a few days ago. _Wae?_ Why do you ask?”

“Nothing, I – “ Her mother inhaled deeply, not meeting her daughter’s eyes. “I guess I just regret not being able to meet him again.”

“I’m sure he understands, _eomma,_ ” Dahyun reassured, albeit confused as to why she brought him up.

Nobody spoke for a while or even made a sound.

Save for the rattling of Ah-ri’s toy right next to that corner as he played happily in his own world.

“Dahyun-ah?”

She raised her head and hummed at her mother. “ _Ne?_ ”

“I never got to say it to you, but…” She inhaled deeply before – “ _Joesonghamnida_ , I’m sorry.”

To the outsider, Dahyun’s face would look like marble; she did not let on any emotion.

But to Sana, she knew this Dahyun very well. It was the expression that she made when she was feigning ignorance and waiting for the other person to say exactly what she thought they were about to say.

It was no different that day. “For what, _eomma_?”

Deep inside her, Sana had an inkling as to where that conversation was going.

“I-I was unable to realize how much you loved each other until it was too late, and for that I’m sorry.” Dahyun did not have anything to say to that. “She was a wonderful person.”

Sana saw the tables turn right in front of her own eyes.

Something in Dahyun snapped at her own mother’s words. “She was excited to have another mother in you, you know,” she said in a passive-aggressive manner. All formalities suddenly gone.

Sana was surprised upon hearing the accusation. _She knew? I never told her that._

(Out of fear of further widening the already existing gap in between the younger girl and her family.)

Her mother did not seem to mind; did not seem to be so surprised at her sudden outburst, as well. She lowered her head in embarrassment. “I know. I should have given her a chance.”

But Dahyun was not finished. “You two never objected to our relationship,” she paused. “But you never supported us either.”

“I know,” her mother repeated. “I should have made more effort.”

“But,” Dahyun began. “You gave me your blessing when I told you that night that I was going to marry her.” Mrs. Kim looked up then at the sudden change in daughter’s aura. She looked almost hopeful. “Despite your hesitations, you agreed. And for that I’ll eternally be thankful, _eomma_.”

The older woman burst into tears then, promptly pulling her into a tight embrace. “Oh, Dahyun-ah,” she whispered her name as she patted on her back. “The world was so cruel to you, my precious daughter. You didn’t deserve any of it.”

Dahyun remained stoic through it all.

But that did not change the fact that her eyes were glistening with unshed tears as well.

“I hope you can find it in your heart let your family back in,” her mother practically begged. “Please forgive me.”

Dahyun patted the older woman’s back, alleviating her fear. “I’ve already forgiven you long ago, _eomma_.” She glanced at the phone beside her. “You introducing me to Dr. Kang helped with that.

“But more than that, it’s Sana who you should be thanking, _eomma_.” Sana heard the older woman let out a shaky breath. “She’d have wanted me forget it all.”

Sana felt her heart soaring at the sight of the two in that moment. It felt like a long overdue reconciliation that Dahyun had always yearned from her mother but never got.

At least not during the times when she truly wanted to hear those words from her mother.

Mrs. Kim pulled away from the hug and looked at her. There was sadness and regret written all over her face, but a small part of her – one that was etched in the arch of her eyebrows and the widening of her eyes – spoke volumes of her being hopeful. “Move forward with your life.” She ran her fingers through Dahyun’s hair. “Come home, Dahyun-ah. _Jebalyo_. Please.”

“But _eomma_ ,” The other girl only gave her mother a meaningful smile. “Your daughter _is_ home.”

•••

The rest of the time that the mother and daughter spent together proved to be pleasantly eventful. They talked more about lighter things and let Ah-ri play with his _halmeoni_ then until Mrs. Kim declared that she had to go.

Dahyun walked her mother towards the front door. Mrs. Kim faced her towering daughter and cupped her cheeks. “I pray to God every day for your healing.”

She bowed in response as a form of thank you. “ _Kamsahamnida, eomma_.”

The older woman took another glance at the person she birthed, simply admiring. “I’m proud of the person that you came to be, Dahyun-ah.” And with that, she left.

Dahyun heaved a sigh as she closed the door, completely spent at the sudden turn of events that day.

But for Sana, she could not express the profound happiness that she had for Dahyun.

Dahyun plopped down on the couch and laid there thinking. Sana sat on the floor next to her, kissed her temple and whispered, _I’m so proud of you too, Dahyun-chan._

She could almost see the inner workings of her mind turning about like clockwork. Dahyun was beginning to get lost in herself up in there again, something that Sana sometimes had to put a lot of effort into just to pull her back to reality.

Maybe this time, though, she did not have to.

Dahyun turned her neck to the side, her eyes once again landing on the phone that she left on the table. She nibbled on her bottom lip, contemplating.

It did not take long before she reached for it and started looking for a particular someone in her contacts.

For Sana, as she observed the nervous girl next to her fumble for something that she was not privy to, she settled with thinking that the better part of Dahyun’s mindset won this certain battle that she was having with herself.

The pale girl, who only got paler by the second, soon proved her right.

She clicked on the contact as soon as she found it. Then it started to ring.

Sana craned her neck to check who was it that she was calling. Then soon felt her breath hitch.

The person picked up on the second ring. “ _Yoboseyo?_ ” she greeted incredulously. “Hello? Dahyun-ah, is this really you?”

Dahyun did a double take at the name on her phone. “J-Joohyun-unnie?”

“Dahyun-ah!” the woman on the other end exclaimed. “It is you! I’ll turn on my video, _arasso?_ Would it be okay if you did too?”

She nodded in response.

The woman’s face soon came into view.

Sana thought she was beautiful. _Too_ beautiful, if she were being honest.

She felt a strange feeling at the pit of her stomach. Something that she had not felt since their university days.

_“Yah,” she nudged Dahyun one night while they were huddled up in her dorm room, their piles of paperwork surrounding them. “Who was that?”_

_“Who was who?” the younger girl asked, not even bothering to look up from her readings._

_“Don’t play dumb with me,” she huffed. “That girl you were studying with when I found you at the library.”_

_That got Dahyun to acknowledge her. Dahyun stared at her with that stupid grin of hers as she put down the book. “Is Sana-chan perhaps.. jealous?”_

_She scoffed, indignance all over her. “Just answer the question!” she exclaimed, her voice raising slightly, the pitch of her voice going up at least an octave higher._

_Dahyun laughed, which properly pissed Sana off._

_She began to collect her belongings. Quick to notice her mistake, Dahyun pulled Sana back right before she could stand up to leave._

_Then she kissed her._

_And when she pulled away, she lightly bit on her bottom lip to pull the pout out of her girlfriend’s face. Sana slowly opened her eyes only to find Dahyun lovingly gazing up at her._

_“That was Tzuyu. She’s an exchange student from Taiwan and she needed some assistance with the system in the library.”_

_“She’s pretty.”_

_She only shrugged. “So I’ve heard.” Dahyun’s fingers sifted through her hair; her dark eyes darted back and forth between her own and her lips. “But Tzuyu is Tzuyu, and Sana is Sana.”_

_Her breath caught in her throat at the feeling of Dahyun’s soft lips against hers again as she pulled her down on top of her._

_“And Sana…”_

_As well as at the feeling of her cold hands finding their way under her shirt. And the shudder that she elicited with it._

_“Sana’s the only one I want.”_

Sana snapped out of her short trip down memory lane.

It was somehow a good thing that Dahyun was not able to see her at that moment or else she would not let go of the opportunity to tease her about getting jealous.

She diverted her attention back to Dahyun and the – fine – beautiful woman in the screen.

“Where’s Dr. Kang?”

Sana was growing frustrated. _There was that name again_.

“Oh, Seulgi?” Dahyun nodded. “She took Yeji out for ice cream. They should be getting back here soon.”

Rare were the moments when Dahyun became at lost for the right words to say. There was barely awkward silence wherever the girl was concerned, but today, it became their companion.

“ _Bogo sipeo,_ Dahyun-ah,” this _Joohyun_ said on the line. “I missed you.”

Sana frowned. _Who was this woman and why was she saying this to_ her _girlfriend?_

 _“Nado_ , _unnie,_ ” Dahyun reciprocated. “I missed you too.”

Her frown deepened, now mad at the oblivious girl next to her. _How dare she?_

“Did you receive the gifts I sent you?” Dahyun asked, further adding fuel to Sana’s fire.

The woman’s eyes turned into pretty crescents. She had that kind of smile where one of her eyes was bigger than the other. It was the kind of smile that made Sana appreciate her beauty even more.

In spite of her (jealous) self.

“ _De_ ,” Joohyun replied. “Seul and Yeji-ah haven’t stopped fussing over the art kit. I think Yeji’s going to turn out more like her other _eomma_.”

Sana paused after hearing that. _Wait a minute…_

Dahyun released a tiny laugh, already seeing the future in her mind’s eye. “Well they do look alike already.” Joohyun mumbled a tiny _I know right_ with a playful roll of her eyes. “And you? What about the gifts I sent you?”

“They’re lovely, Dahyun-ah. I’ve been using the air fryer well. _Kamsahamnida_ ,” she said with a small bow. “Why don’t you come over sometime? I’ll cook for you. Besides, Yeji misses her Dahyunnie.”

“Soon, _unnie_. Soon,” Dahyun promised.

A voice called out from the background. Joohyun’s eyes immediately crinkled at the sound as she called out their names. “Yah, Seulgi! Yeji-ah! _Bballi_! Come here quick!”

Another face soon came into view – a really friendly face at that. Sana felt her anger dissipating by just looking at her. Maybe it was the same monolidded eyes that she woke up to everyday for the past couple of years Maybe it was the same warm energy that she radiated.

Whatever it was, Sana only knew one thing: she reminded her of Dahyun herself.

Dahyun let out a breath of relief. “Seulgi-unnie.”

And because of it, something told her that whoever this Seulgi was, she was someone that she could trust.

Someone she could entrust Dahyun to.

She saw surprise flit across her face but was quickly replaced by delight as soon as she recognized who it was. “Dahyun-ah! It’s you!”

The phone was suddenly yanked from her hand, revealing another friendly face with the same monolidded eyes. “Dahyun-unnie!” the little girl shouted excitedly, the camera bouncing up and down with her.

Her eyes welled up. “ _De_ , Dr. Kang – I mean, Seulgi-unnie, _Annyeong,_ Yeji-ssi. It’s me.”

Sana’s eyes snapped back to the friendly woman who now had tears in her eyes as well. _So she’s Dr. Kang._

Seulgi took the phone back from her daughter as Joohyun picked her up. The three settled down next to each other. “I’ve been waiting for your call for a while now.” She looked at the girls next to her, simultaneously ruffling the little girl’s hair. “Me and my wife and Yeji, that is.”

“So have I.” Their smiles almost mirrored one another.

Sana felt ridiculous when she heard what the woman just said. She could not believe that she let herself get jealous of a _married_ woman.

And – _for Christ’s sake_ – she was a fucking ghost. Sana had to remind herself.

“ _Eomma_ was just here,” Dahyun offered as an ice breaker.

“Yeah? And how did that go?”

“We finally got to talk,” she said simply. And that was enough for the older woman.

“I’m happy for you,” she said with all sincerity. “Dahyun-ah,” Seulgi spoke again, a thought occurring in her mind. Seulgi’s voice was calming, Sana pondered. “I’m not just asking as a professional but also as your friend and long-lost cousin, but...” She trailed off, nibbling lightly on her lip as she thought of the right words to say. “Does this call mean what it’s supposed to mean?”

Both Joohyun and Sana looked at their respective partners out of curiosity. A tear rolled down Dahyun’s cheek as she smiled cheekily. “I’d like to think so, too, _unnie_. It’s thanks to you and everyone around me that I can say I’m better now.”

She shook her head. “Give yourself some credit, Dahyun-ssi,” she said softly. “It was you who made yourself better.”

“But you saw me at my worst.” Her words hit Sana more than they should have. She felt her throat constricting again as she watched the girl bare her vulnerabilities to the other woman. “It was you who pulled me out of it.”

The way she spoke to the doctor led Sana to believe that whoever she was in her lover’s life, she was someone who made a tremendous impact on her.

Dahyun knew everyone, was friends with a lot of people.

But she was not one who easily told anyone about her thoughts or shared her feelings.

“During the time that you spent with us maybe,” Seulgi retorted. “But after that, when you ghosted us – “ They all laughed. “ – it was you, cousin.”

“Did I take too long?”

“There is no time limit when it comes to healing, Dahyun-ah,” Seulgi reassured her. “I’m happy that you at least get to tell yourself that you’ve accepted your loss.”

“It still hurts,” Dahyun confessed wholeheartedly. Sana’s tears were at a freefall now. She could not help the guilty feeling even though she neither wanted any of it to happen nor left intentionally.

God knows how much she did not want any of it to happen.

“But I think I’m there, unnie.” Dahyun wiped the tears off with the sleeves of her hoodie. “I think I’m finally ready to let Sana go.”

(end of part one)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Friendly reminder to continue streaming DubChaeng's Melody Project ♡ https://youtu.be/5UMgw3V-Q5I


	5. The End - Part 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sana understands. Sana accepts.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Apologies for the long wait, but here it is now. Brace yourselves; 17,000-word chapter ahead to hopefully make up for it (again).  
> Unbeta'd. Please forgive my errors! This chapter holds a special place in my heart. I hope I've given it justice well enough. Hope you guys enjoy! 
> 
> NOTE: M FOR IMPLIED SEXUAL CONTENT. TW FOR MIMICS OF PANIC ATTACK AND GRAPHIC DEPICTION OF DEATH.

Sana hated herself.

Hated herself for ever thinking that she could stay on the cloud nine that is the home that she shared with Dahyun and expect her to continue letting her own world revolve around someone who was not really there anymore.

Hated herself for even just letting her foolish self fall for Dahyun all over again even when she _knew_ that she would not be able to love the girl that she left behind the same way that she did.

Hated herself for being so selfish as to dismiss the reality of it all that she was _dead_.

Now, as she followed Dahyun around like a helpless puppy, the internal struggle that she had with herself continued to intensify until it was all that she could think about.

It was a struggle that, deep down, she knew the answer to but could not help but wonder about the myriad of possibilities that she thought _could_ go right if she went against the nature of things.

 _I could stay here with Dahyun forever_ , she considered.

Though she knew it should not be.

And when Dahyun stepped out of the front door, Sana found that she could not.

She tried to move her foot past the threshold once again.

But, still, she could not.

Something was stopping her.

After all this time with her thoughtlessly meandering around the confinements of the place that she called home, she came to the conclusion that those walls, those photos, those little reminders of the life that she lived were all that was left of the world that she had known.

Those little things and the poor excuse for a life that she believed she still shared with Dahyun and Ah-ri were all the world that she could possibly have now.

She leaned against the doorframe to support herself. She was devastated for herself.

Helpless and unable to do anything about any of it.

Part of her remained stubborn: _it’s fine, though. I’m content with being with them everyday._

Even though she knew, _I couldn’t._

 _But I am, though_ , the hopeful part convinced herself. _As long as I’m with them, I’m fine._

 _But,_ the rational part countered. _Sana, you have to let go of them, too._

Her throat was closing up. _Not yet. I’m still here._

_You have to find your peace, too. You and Dahyun alike._

She brought her hand to her mouth to silence the sob that was bound to escalate into something worse.

_How can you do that if you won’t let each other go?_

The heard a scratching from where she stood.

She looked down to see Ah-ri pawing at it so he could go out.

Sana sniffled, pulling on the knob a bit to open the door for him.

Once he knew that he could fit, he gaped up at her with a wide smile as if to say, _gomawo, okaasan!_ Then joined his mother into the outside world where they sat on the front steps.

Just watching the sun setting behind the trees beyond; the flock of birds flying freely above in the pink skies.

The open door swayed ever so slightly on its hinge as the wind hit against it.

Back and forth, back and forth.

Yet –

The invisible barrier that hindered Sana from stepping out into the open and being with her family was right there, taking away the most minuscule ounce of hope that she had left.

She could not bear it.

The sob finally escaped from her lips when she was hit with the harsh truth:

Dahyun and Ah-ri were someplace that she could not follow.

And like them, Sana, too, was going someplace where _they_ could not follow.

It broke her heart to even think about it.

She slid down the threshold to her knees and wallowed in her loneliness.

All that she could do now was to look at her supposed wife and son from afar and watch the sunset hit Dahyun’s face. As she looked up at the sky and just _breathed_.

It reminded Sana of the photo that Dahyun took of her in their trip to Singapore.

The very same photo that she saw every waking moment of her day placed carefully in that one corner where the people she left behind came to talk to her.

And when she glanced back at that very spot that seemed to have been central in that part of the story of her life – that part being the _after_ – she saw the once blinding beads glow even more dimly right in front of her eyes.

•••

_The two of them were not much for Western shows, but Chaeyoung was._

_There was one show in particular that Sana and Dahyun could not initially, for the life of them, watch without dozing off._

_That is, until a certain scene caught Sana’s attention._

_It was a flashback showing a man in his prime inside in a classroom with whom Sana assumed to be his student._

_They were calculating something. The chemical composition of the human body._

_This piqued her curiosity, as someone who once was a science geek. She thought her almanacs at home in Osaka could attest to that._

_Right there on the chalkboard, the man – she soon realized was a professor – jotted down the corresponding percentage for each of the composition._

_And when they added everything up, they found that something was, in fact, missing._

_(Next to her, Dahyun had woken up and was now listening attentively as well.)_

_“What about the soul?”, the student offered._

_Sana watched as the professor looked back at her with a disbelieving look on his face. It was, perhaps, rationality speaking for itself: “The soul? There’s nothing here but chemistry.”_

_•••_

It was one of the few scenes that really stuck with Sana.

Never had she imagined, however, that she would be taking that with her even in life after death.

The ghost of her now wanted nothing more but to slap away the smug look on that professor’s face through the television and tell him: _You’re wrong,_ ahjussi. _If there really was no soul, then why is the missing 0.111958% of the Sana that they knew still here on earth – dead_ yet _very much alive?_

•••

She finally got to meet the famous Dr. Kang on one fine day in January.

Dahyun had invited her and her family over for some homemade lunch just two days prior, to which they gladly accepted.

They referred to it as a late New Year’s celebration of some sort.

Now, they all knew that cooking was never Dahyun’s strongest suit. It was, after all, one of the challenges that her own father had provided for her in return for his daughter’s hand in marriage.

And Dahyun did accept the terms, did she not?

And she for a fact knew that the love of her life was never one to go back on her words.

So to see her cooking an entire course by herself for an entire family, Sana definitely got curious.

A series of soft, rapid knocks rapped on the front door. This immediately got Dahyun to quickly set up the table with the plates and everything else they needed.

 _Four sets_ , Sana counted as she stayed behind. _Four sets of plates and utensils._

“Dahyunnie!” A high-pitched voice squealed from the front door. Sana craned her head and saw the source of the tiny voice being carried by her lover up into the air as her parents watched from the doorframe with wide smiles painted on their faces.

“Yeji-ssi!” Dahyun exclaimed back, laughing and twirling the little girl around in her thin arms. When she finally stopped spinning, still filled with laughter, she carried her on one arm and poked her nose with her free hand. “Did you miss me?”

The child – Yeji – nodded adamantly at her with a pout. “Dahyun-unnie is more fun than the kids at school.”

“Well I’m here now, aren’t I?” The little girl’s eyes sparkled with glee. “And so are your parents.” She put her down and faced the two women in the doorway to bow down lowly. “It’s been a long time, Dr. Kang, Joohyun- _unnie_. Welcome to my home.”

•••

Being first-time guests in Sana and Dahyun’s abode, the visitors asked for a quick, semi-tour around the house. Sana loved the way that their eyes lit up at all the bits and pieces of information that Dahyun shared with them, especially those that were about herself.

The couple was really engrossed in everything that Dahyun had to say, and they seemed happy about it.

It did seem as though they were proud parents to her lover, as well.

Sana would not be surprised if it turned out that it was how Dahyun saw the couple as – second parents.

And she would likewise not be surprised if they reciprocated that.

Their last stop around the house was at the corner where Sana’s photo stood proudly and, she daresay, beautifully. It was Dr. Kang's own request; a way to pay respect, she had told Dahyun.

Now as all of them stood in silence, Sana was able to really observe them.

Like her own way of getting to know the strangers.

 _They look more alike in person_ , Sana thought to herself as they asked conversed with Dahyun over everything and anything under the sun. _And even more beautiful,_ omo _._

She was quick to note who was who immediately, however.

The taller one was Dr. Kang – or in a nonprofessional setting, as she kept on reiterating to Dahyun over that phone call – Seulgi. Sana’s first impression of the woman did not change as she stood now in person right before her eyes. She really did give off a warm and cozy energy especially when she smiled. Much like Dahyun.

She took a liking to her right away.

What gave away the identity of the other woman to Sana’s eyes was her smile. One eye slightly bigger than the other, which could be even more highlighted as her smile grew more widely. _Joohyun_ , Sana recognized her right away.

(Besides, how could she not? She got jealous of the woman for a good fifteen minutes before realizing that she had nothing to be jealous about.)

(If anything, she had _something_ to be grateful about for the woman.)

 _Ah, pabo_ , she berated herself.

Joohyun, compared to her wife, was much shorter. But she carried herself with such elegant authority that could make everyone look her way and even do a double take. Her personality spoke volumes even when she did utter a word. It just kind of filled an entire room.

She reminded Sana of Chaeyoung, in a way. And because of that, Sana took a liking to the woman, as well.

The last guest, tiny little Yeji, had dark hair and very sharp eyes that resembled Dr. Kang’s and, not too surprisingly, Dahyun’s. She had such a happy energy about her that captured Sana’s heart.

She knew it captured Dahyun’s, too, by the way that she paid her extra attention when she was talking to her.

By the way that her hand absentmindedly reached for hers whenever Yeji lagged behind the older women as they walked around the house (only because she kept stopping to play with Ah-ri).

By the way that she looked at the girl with so much love and adoration – the same look that Sana thought she had reserved only for Ah-ri.

It made her heart swell with both happiness and regret.

_Was this what Dahyun would have become as a mother to our own child if I hadn’t left?_

_Would our tiny, chubby Moguri have looked like Yeji if Dahyun had chosen to be the one to carry their baby?_

Sana blinked rapidly, stopping herself from getting pulled deeper into the dark, regretful pits of her mind.

No use crying over spilt milk.

They settled in the dining table soon afterwards.

Dahyun sat on her usual seat, letting Seulgi sit down next to her, as her daughter and her wife settled down on the seats right across from them, respectively.

Sana halted her steps before she could come any closer.

 _Four sets of plates and utensils for four people_.

There was no place left around the dining table. No other choice but to watch them engage in easy conversation and laugh at the random jokes that Dahyun cracked.

 _Four sets of plates and utensils for four people_.

Sana tensed her jaw.

_Where does that leave me?_

•••

It should not have hurt Sana as much as it did, but, well, it did.

A lot.

When Dahyun started to spend more of her time with the Kangs or other people whose names were utterly foreign to Sana, coupled with Ah-ri being taken by Chaeyoung took Ah-ri with her for her designated babysitter duties, Sana felt the profound emptiness of the house that she called home.

She still did.

But, to her, it had felt like she was back to the time when all that she had was herself and the budding loneliness that she had never thought could be felt by someone like her: a spirit.

She drifted now as she had drifted then.

Except this time, she was burdened with the memories of her past that she saw in every inch of the walls around her, in every possession that laid scattered and maintained well enough to preserve the memory of _her_.

This time, she remembered everything.

And it hurt to remember everything.

She ruminated: _Was this what Dahyun felt before? That’s why she had to go away for a while?_

The image of the lost and disoriented version of the new Dahyun, the Dahyun _after_ , came to mind. It was that of the girl that unknowingly greeted her spirit on the night of her homecoming.

It was an image that upset Sana.

She mentally kicked herself. _Of course, you_ pabo _. Of course, that was what Dahyun felt. How could you even still ask that?_

But that was then.

Dahyun was better now, she said so herself.

And Sana had to reprimand herself: _Dahyun, the love of your life, did not manage to pull herself together after over an entire year of being in rock bottom just for_ you _to pull her back down there for your own_ selfish _reasons._

 _You should be proud_ , she furiously chastised the woman in the photograph at that _goddamn_ corner. _Dahyun was taking a huge step for herself by finally letting you go. You should be proud._

And she knew that, no matter what way she looked at it, that little voice inside her head was right.

So why was it that she could not seem to push down the negative feelings that she was harbouring?

Why was it that she still had to witness all these things just to end up hurting herself?

Why was it that she was still _here_?

•••

Sana thought that she could bear it. She tried her best, or at least she thought she did.

She hated the irony of it all.

There she was, the one who left first, but who ended up not being able to move on before the ones that she had left behind.

She was in her own rock bottom now. A cruel, twisted prank by the world being done to her so that she could experience what the others had.

 _What did I do to deserve this?_ she would keep repeating to herself.

 _Why couldn’t you just let me leave?_ she would ask to any higher being who was listening.

In the end, her self-pity got the best of her.

Sana, having had enough of the negative feelings and wanting nothing more than to run away from them, deemed it best to distance herself from both Dahyun and Ah-ri for a while.

She somehow found refuge in the old cabinet that she once felt the burning desire to light up on fire for being an apprentice in this joke that she was living in real time.

She stayed behind closed doors, watching her family from afar. Although this time, it was voluntary.

A self-induced purgatory that she was bringing down upon herself. 

Because of this admittedly strange decision of hers, she only saw Dahyun twice a day now.

At daytime, when the sunrays shone past the blinds to rouse her sleeping lover awake, Sana would take advantage of the light to peer through the cracks of that cabinet to watch Dahyun greet the new day.

Then, at night, when the world was about to sleep and Dahyun was spending the last few minutes of her day on their bed, rereading one of her books or, more frequently, Sattang, Sana would then be grateful for the light coming from the bedside lamp and take the time to, this time, watch Dahyun end her day with peace in her heart.

In spite of herself, the nights were beginning to become Sana’s new favorite parts of the day because it was then when she got to admire Dahyun basking in the serenity that enveloped her.

She had always loved it whenever Dahyun looked like she was most at peace.

(There was still this miniscule, selfish part of her, however, that hoped for Dahyun to stay awake at night, tossing and turning, because there was something missing. Something meaning _her_ arms around the girl.)

(It was a part of her that she detested and tried her hardest to suppress all the way down until it was no longer in her system.)

The time never came, though – much to her relief and (deeply buried) disappointment.

Dahyun slept well through the night looking like a baby.

Looked the part even more whenever she had her hoodie up and wore long socks that reached up to her calves.

_At least she found a way to keep herself warm especially during the cold spells of the season._

It was harder for Ah-ri, however, who had already gotten used to seeing his _okaasan_ back home and ready to take care of him.

On the days that Dahyun could leave him alone, food and water replenished, for a few hours a day, he followed her everywhere even though she ignored him. He even tried whimpering to capture her attention, as if to say, _okaasan, eomma, read to me; play hide-and-seek again with me._

Sana must admit that she had moments of weakness and almost gave in to them – but she had to stay strong no matter how difficult it got for the two of them.

It _was_ difficult but she believed that she had to.

 _Extinction of behaviour_ , Dahyun once told her during a lazy weekday at her dorm when they were dog-training Ah-ri. _It’s this Pavlovian concept where you take out a stimulus so you discourage the behaviour that you don’t want them to do. In this case, Ah-ri barking at me whenever he sees me with food._

She remembered feeling so amazed at how Dahyun can spit out random bouts of facts and (actually) apply her knowledge in real-life situations.

 _You have such a sexy brain_. She remembered the words escaping her thoughts.

She also remembered how Dahyun looked up at her then right in time to witness her embarrassment for saying the words out loud. She sniggered to herself, feeling so smug and proud at herself for impressing her _friend_.

Sana thought it was one of the deciding factors for her to continue pursuing Dahyun.

She could still feel and hear Ah-ri following her around the house.

But she had to keep it up no matter how much it hurt her to treat Ah-ri that way.

 _You_ will _get used to it, Ah-ri-ah,_ she tried to convey to him as she retreated back into hiding.

Frankly, though, apart for the decisions that she made herself believe to be the best choice for everyone, Sana did not know exactly what it was that she was trying to achieve.

And, quite frankly, she knew that this charade that she was upholding only subjected herself to living in her own, self-made purgatory as a punishment for her delusion — the delusion poisoning her mind that she could stay there on earth and pretend that everything was still like _before_.

She cried to herself whenever she remembered.

And she remembered all the time.

She stepped back in the cabinet to hide herself from Ah-ri.

She let darkness be her only friend.

•••

On the other side of the door, Ah-ri remained rooted on his spot before the cabinet doors.

Just waiting.

•••

It was during one of those nights when Sattang became a sort of escape for Sana again.

She found it left open on their bed one night, half held by Dahyun’s tiny hand; the other being used as a pillow by their son. The two of them must have been so tired that day that they ended up falling asleep while reading it.

She sat down on the edge of the bed and carefully took it from her hands. She had half the mind to lie down next to her like she did all those nights before, but instead, she just tucked Dahyun in her sleep, chuckling lightly at the way her mouth was left open wide enough for her to teasingly put her finger in.

Sana could almost imagine the grimace that she would make, coupled with a whine: _Sana-chan! Your hand is salty!_

After planting a kiss on her forehead, Sana diverted her attention to the notebook that was now in her hands.

She surprised herself then.

There were only a few entries left.

Dahyun was almost at the end.

And with her, so was Sana.

She took note of the date at the top right of the entry. It was Christmas.

About two days after that fateful night with the nightmare that haunted her to this day.

Sana laid back against the headboard of the bed, careful not to disturb any of the two beside her. She began to read.

> _Sattang,_
> 
> _Papa made a surprise visit to Seoul because of his work so we got to spent Christmas Eve together!_
> 
> _He brought each of us gifts! He got me a whole box of my favorite Japanese cheesecake from home, a limited edition Norwegian Wood for Dahyunnie, and a doggie jacket for Ah-ri!! We were all so thankful and also a bit regretful because we didn’t get to prepare anything for him >< aigo_ _this old man_
> 
> _So instead, we tried making up for it by preparing our favorite Korean food for our Christmas dinner!_
> 
> _He thought he’d tease Dahyun-chan by turning it into a competition tho and making our own favorite Japanese food ㅋㅋ we ended up with more food than we could eat ㅋㅋ_
> 
> _It was all in good fun tho, Sattang! Dahyun-chan was stoked to have Otosan here with us and papa was just as happy to spend it drinking with the two of us. We all ended up drinking until 2am until Dahyunnie called it a night despite papa calling her weak. ㅋㅋㅋㅋㅋㅋ who was the mature one here really!?_
> 
> _But the poor thing was really sleepy, so we let her. We knew she was drunk and uncaring because she kissed me in front of papa, who pretended to be a mistletoe, and then went back to our bedroom looking all giddy and smiley._
> 
> _I spent the rest of the night just talking with papa about whatever. It was a really good Christmas eve._
> 
> _And now it’s 4am! How quickly time flies when you’re in good company and that company happened to be the people you love the most in your life._
> 
> _I really, really feel loved, Sattang, and for the first time in days, I wasn’t scared._
> 
> _OK Dahyun’s all cuddled up against me now. I swear she loves burying her face in my chest -.- Who would have thought she was a boob person!? Certainly not me but who am I to complain!! \\(^~^)/ ㅋㅋ_ heol
> 
> _Jaljayo, Sattang. Merry Christmas,_
> 
> _Dahyun’s Pillow_

Sana closed the notebook and put it back down in Dahyun’s hand. She looked at her sleeping figure right next to her and could not help but run her hand through her hair.

 _She looks so soft lying on her side like that and squishing her face,_ she thought, properly amused.

Sana soon lost herself in her thoughts at a certain realization.

That was the last Christmas that she had spent with her family.

The last Christmas she had spent – period.

She did not have to read and reread the good words that her old self had written down and immortalized in that journal of hers. She still remembered, still felt, even, every happy emotion that she had that night. She remembered all the laughs, the banters between herself and her father, the teases he threw Dahyun’s way because he knew she wouldn’t be able to retort back.

All the good food and the sweet wine they feasted upon.

(Dahyun backing down to say that Mr. Minatozaki won the cooking contest.)

All the stolen kisses they shared when her father was not looking.

Their hands holding under the table as they sat next to each other on that Christmas Eve dinner table while her _otosan_ looked on lovingly at the two of them.

Just the elated feeling that night had given her.

It was a great Christmas. A great _last_ Christmas, and the Sana now was thankful, as the old Sana had been, that she was blessed enough to have experienced a night as lovely as that.

To have had one last night with her father.

Dahyun shifted next to her, reaching across the bed, unknowingly draping her arm over Sana’s stomach.

She was muttering incoherently. But Sana was familiar with it enough for she lived with it long enough to understand even without hearing clearly.

“Sana-chan,” Dahyun mumbled. “Go to sleep.”

Her throat constricted at what Dahyun had just said.

She laid back down on the comforts of the soft pillow and the soft mattress – against every fiber of her being telling her to go back to that cabinet and run away from those unnecessary feelings – and turned on her side, running a hand across Dahyun’s baby cheeks.

She liked to think that her tears wet the pillow that she laid on, but they just disappeared into nothingness, letting no one else but herself be aware of the fact that she was hurting.

But maybe that was for the best.

She closed her eyes, still crying, then nodded. “ _Arachung_ ,” she replied with her mustered up _aegyo_. Like she did before. “I’ll go to sleep. _Jaljayo, Dahyun-chan._ ” She swallowed the thick lump in her throat then kissed her forehead. “ _Saranghae_.”

•••

Sana could feel the festivities in the atmosphere at their humble abode.

It was Lunar New Year, and Dahyun was, once again (to her surprise), busy preparing food in the kitchen.

She was not alone this time, however.

For where the New Year was spent with Sana’s own father, the Lunar New Year was, on the other hand, spent with Dahyun’s family.

The smell of Mrs. Kim’s _tteokguk_ filled Sana’s nostrils and had her own glands salivating at the mere aroma. Dahyun competed with her own mother with her own variation – _manduguk_ – for it was their tradition, and they both loved _mandu_.

Mr. Kim and Dahyun’s older brother, meanwhile, were outside grilling the meat as Ah-ri did his tricks beside them to capture their attention and maybe get something out of it in return.

Sana smiled warmly, especially at the gleeful look painted in Dahyun’s face.

Their home was filled with the familial love and joy again, and Sana thought it was perhaps because of the possibility that this right here might just be their family’s first celebration in a while.

Dahyun was happy, and Sana believed that might just be, as well.

A commotion at the front door caught their attention.

“Oh, they must be here,” Dahyun spoke, quickly doffing the apron that was a tad too long for her small frame. _Sana’s_ apron.

They were soon greeted by a couple of friendly faces holding gifts and food to be added to the already growing table. Mina and Chaeyoung kissed Dahyun on either side of the cheek. “ _Saehae bok mani badeuseyo!_ Happy Lunar New Year, Dahyun-ah!”

“ _Saehae bok mani badeuseyo!_ ” A smaller, more high-pitched voice greeted from behind them. Tiny Yeji squeezed herself in between her _unnies_ and brought her willowy hands forward to present Dahyun with her gift. “I got this for you, Dahyunnie!”

“Oh…” Dahyun crouched down and accepted the gift with a bow, playfully shaking it next to her ear as she continued looking at Yeji. The little girl only smiled secretively. “I hope it’s chocolate or else Dahyunnie’s going to be _really_ sad,” she whined with a pout.

Yeji, unable to contain her seemingly well-kept secret, broke into fits of giggles and lunged into Dahyun’s arms, which caught her right away. The two of them laughed heartily, earning Sana a great deal of Dahyun’s smile that she had always loved.

They all said their pleasantries right after to one another and then to the rest of Dahyun’s family inside. Seulgi gifted them with her apparently famed _janchi guksu_ and Joohyun with homemade cake and an entire container of _taraegwa_ enough for everyone, with a bit more extra for her daughter to eat. Mina and Chaeyoung, on the other hand, were generous with their Korean pancakes and a take-out chocolate cake that they were sure Dahyun would love.

The senior Kims’ eyes were noticeably wide when the visitors greeted them one by one. From a certain corner, Dahyun and Sana snorted at the sight and the internal dilemma that her parents were visibly struggling to come to terms with because, they knew:

The Kims had probably never seen that many gay couples.

All at once.

In a single room.

Ever.

It was Yeji’s grumbling stomach and Joohyun’s not-so-subtle jest to her wife ( _“she’s your daughter alright”_ ) that got everyone to laugh and finally gather around the longer dining table that Dahyun had rented and subsequently set up for the occasion to make space for all of them.

Save for the Kangs who excused themselves to get something from the car, they each found and took their respective places:

Dahyun and Mr. Kim facing each other from both ends of the long table.

To Dahyun’s left sat Chaeyoung, followed by Mina, and then her older brother.

To her right were three empty seats that Sana deemed were reserved for the Kang family.

Somewhere under the table, circling their feet for scraps of food that might have been secretly placed for him, was Ah-ri, sniffing about and being happy in his own world.

Sana pursed her lips, a tight-lipped smile forming on her face. She had just turned on her heels to head back and sulk in her cramped, dark excuse for a cave when Yeji came rushing in, pushing forward a high-chair ahead of her parents.

“I wanna sit next to Dahyunnie and Chaeyoungie!” she exclaimed, nearly running over Ah-ri’s tiny paw that peeked out from under table — had it not been for his quick canine reflexes.

Both Seulgi and Joohyun were flushed by their daughter’s actions, muttering _“Joesonghamnida_. We’re sorry for her disturbing the peace.” repeatedly, to which the rest of the family only laughed and said _“Gwaenchanha._ It’s okay. It’s cute.”

Now everyone was settled, their laughter finally coming down to a more comfortable silence.

But –

 _There’s still an empty space next to Dahyun-chan_ , Sana noticed. Mrs. Kim did, as well.

Dahyun only smiled, glancing at the empty space. “It’s for Sana, _eomma_.”

That properly silenced everyone.

Out of respect? Out of sadness? Out of pity for their loved one who still had her eye smile on?

Sana would never know.

She would rather not know.

With tears of disbelief beginning to glisten in her doe-like eyes, Sana turned around again, swallowed down the lump in her throat, and sat down next to the love of her life.

 _Just weeks ago, I was terrified that you were starting to forget me,_ she said to Dahyun in her mind.

She hoped she could hear her.

Mr. Kim cleared his throat to break the silence. “Let’s begin this feast with a prayer, shall we?”

They all held hands and closed their eyes. Dahyun left her hand hanging in the air, to which Joohyun, being the one sitting next to Sana, followed. Sana was touched at the absolute regard for her, even over a year after her passing, and silently thanked them as she reached for their hands and held them.

The prayer was a short one filled with gratitude for allowing everyone to gather safely around that table for the occasion, thanks for all the food that they were all blessed with, and prayers for a better and more hopeful tomorrow for everyone.

And before they could say _amen_ , Dahyun excused herself to add something. Sana heard her father hum in agreement.

“Father in heaven,” Dahyun began. “We also pray for the souls of those who could not be here any longer with us.”

 _But I am,_ Sana thought, countering Dahyun’s words and opening her eyes to see the calmness on the other girl’s face.

“I hope and pray that, wherever they are, they are more at peace now than they ever were on this earth.” Unconsciously, she took a deep breath that Sana had simultaneously taken. “And I hope and pray that with every prayer we lift up to You, they would be able to take one step closer to being with You and Your holy embrace.” With another deep breath, she opened her eyes and looked back on the seemingly empty seat that she had left for her. “Amen.”

“Amen,” the rest of them said in unison.

 _Amen_ , Sana whispered as well. _Thank you_ , _Dahyun-chan_.

The dinner table was filled with joy and stories and compliments for each of them for the good food that they had contributed to the feast.

And Yeji singing the _Seolnal_ song much to everyone’s delight.

And Yeji sneakily receiving a handful of _Ferreros_ from her two favorite unnies seated next to her.

They were the same chocolates that she had gifted Dahyun when they arrived.

Sana laughed at their antics, but most especially at the way that Dahyun and Chaeyoung each held their poker faces and managed to still be indulged in the story of whoever was talking.

At one point, Mrs. Kim stood up from her seat to excuse herself to the kitchen.

When she came back, she had with her a big bowl of _sujebi_ as she walked over behind her niece’s place and began singing _saengil chukhahamnida_ as a late birthday surprise for Dr. Kang.

(Seulgi cried.)

And when the clock struck twelve, the whole family exclaimed a happy new year and hugged and kissed each other to celebrate the very occasion that brought them all there together.

From a few steps behind where they gathered, Sana watched with a smile on her face and tears in her eyes as she felt her heart soaring at the sight of their family looking truly, _genuinely,_ happy.

She felt a tiny nose nudge her foot, and when she looked down, she saw Ah-ri staring up at her expectantly.

When she bent her knees to plant a kiss on his forehead and pat his forehead, he nearly laid on his back thinking that he was going to get a belly rub. Sana was quick to stop him, however. _“_ We can’t be obvious, Ah-ri,” she playfully reprimanded him, like they were two people sharing a very classified secret.

Then, she looked back up again and enjoyed the sight.

Sana believed, in a parallel universe, this right here would have been the spitting image of them celebrating the New Year.

But there, it would be with her.

 _In a parallel universe_ , Sana repeated to herself.

•••

An hour later, when Yeji was fast asleep in her Seulgi- _eomma_ ’s arms, and Joohyun and Mina were being hogged by Mrs. Kim about the food that they brought, Chaeyoung walked over to the infamous corner where Sana was coincidentally staring at her own photograph.

Chaeyoung stood next to her, fiddling with something in her pocket.

She broke into a grin that showcased her deep dimples.

 _“Saehae bok mani badeuseyo,_ Sana- _unnie_ ,” she greeted her softly. Sana mentally greeted her back in return. “If you were still here, we would have gotten drunk off our faces and reprimanded by Minari the next day again.”

Sana smiled at her, nose scrunching. They both knew Mina all too well.

“There’s actually something I wanted to ask you.” She glanced quickly to where Mina still was – still busy being complimented by Mrs. Kim. Chaeyoung grinned again then redirected her attention back to Sana. “The events of the past year were tough after your passing. And they only made me realize how short life is and how much we need to live it to the fullest.

“I love Mina, _unnie._ I know you know that. And I want to ask you for your blessing since she’s your little sister. Well, we both are.”

Sana’s heart skipped a beat. _Chaengie, are you –_

“Will you trust me with her, _unnie_?” Chaeyoung finally asked, taking out from her pocket a small accessory that gleamed in the New Year evening.

Sana cried tears of joy for her and kissed Chaeyoung’s temple for a good, few seconds. Chaeyoung was teary-eyed now, too, and Sana hoped it was because she had felt the only answer that Sana would have given the young girl.

 _Since the world didn’t permit me and Dahyunnie to end up together_ , Sana whispered against the younger girl’s golden locks. _I could only ask for it to allow you and Mi-tan to spend the rest of your lives with each other. It owes us that much._

“Chaeyoung-ah?” Mina’s soft voice was heard from behind. “Ready to go?”

“ _De_ , Minari. Coming.” She quickly blinked, allowing the teardrops fall to the ground, then carefully placed the ring back where it had been safely hidden before Mina could see it.

“Are you crying?” Mina asked worriedly as soon as she found her place next to the younger girl, immediately combing through her hair.

The other girl let out a small laugh, shrugging it off. “Just missing _unnie_ is all.” Mina nodded in understanding before lacing their hands together and greeting Sana a happy new year. Then, when they were both ready, Chaeyoung took one last look at Sana, whispered, _“Gomawo_ , Sana-unnie”, then walked through the door with the rest of the guests.

 _Take care of her for me, Chaeyoung-ah_ , Sana uttered into the wind once the commotion had died down and the night had settled.

Leaving only her and Dahyun with her cup of _sujeonggwa_ to celebrate the rest of the night.

And the new beginnings that came with it.

Sana knew that the girl beside her liked having these downtimes after a day’s worth of socialization. A way to recharge herself.

It was during these moments when Sana knew better than to bring her high energy out.

All they needed was the moment of peaceful companionship that they could offer each other.

Just there, side by side. Just… together.

Sana loved these moments more than she cared to admit.

And after the events of the day, Sana knew that her anger was misplaced.

She decided that she would no longer fight it. So she sat next to the now silent Dahyun who was left with her own thoughts.

Dahyun momentarily put down the drink that she was holding and picked up the journal that was left lying on the end table. Sana did not miss the lingering stare she had towards her photograph. No matter how fleeting it seemed.

Dahyun slid down the couch and onto the floor, pulling a beanbag close to her in the process. Sana playfully followed suit.

With a heavy sigh as if to brace herself for what was to come, Dahyun flipped Sana’s diary over and began flipping from the last page. She stopped shortly after.

It made Sana stop, too.

For it was, as it turned out, Sana’s last night in the _before_.

 _Last two entries,_ Sana thought sadly. _We’re almost there, Dahyunnie._

And just like the first few nights that they had spent together on the very same spot, with their heads resting on the makeshift pillow that was the beanbag, Sana’s arm draped across her trunk to keep her warm –

They read.

•••

It took her back to the last night. Sana remembered it vividly.

> _Sattang,_
> 
> _I went to Mina today right after I dropped off some late Christmas gifts for my co-workers. Nayeon-unnie was especially thankful for the puppy clothes I picked out for her Kookeu._
> 
> _Anyway, happy holidays, Sattang! Christmas just passed by a few days ago, and now our boss gave us the time off which both made me happy and sad at the same time._
> 
> _Happy because I get to spend more time with Dahyun-chan and Ah-ri-ah yay!_
> 
> _Sad because she still had work : < so most days I’m left alone with Ah-ri and while I do enjoy spending time and playing with him, it just wasn’t enough without my Dahyunnie ㅠㅠ Do you get met, Sattang?_
> 
> _Truthfully, I’m still haunted by that night. The nightmare was still vivid in my mind’s eye, and the dead fly, that stupid dead fly… they’re still up here, Sattang. >< And when I’m alone at home, it all comes back to me and I end up feeling suffocated. Literally!! I couldn’t breathe sometimes._
> 
> _Which was why Ah-ri and I visited Mi-tan. Their place was a couple of blocks away from ours. He was due for a bit of exercise and a longer-than-usual walk anyway._

Sana smiled. The comfort that Mina gave her every time was different from any other. She attributed it at first to the girl knowing her since forever, but eventually she came to the conclusion that it was just because she _was_ Mina.

Sana loved her even more for it.

> _She knew that something was up with as soon as she saw me. Mi-tan knows me that well._

But now that she thought about it, Sana felt like it was more of because one simple yet significant observation that Mina made _._

_Sattang, she recalled her saying her name, her face scrunched up in worry. Are you feeling well? You’re pale._

> _I told her everything that transpired since that night. About my nightmare, my panic attack. My constant fear that something terrible was going to happen. That it might be Dahyun of all people. ㅠㅠ_
> 
> _And the premonitions and what they meant to me. Because Mina knew me growing up. Mina knew that it’s not the first time I was having these._
> 
> _So I told her about all of these fears of mine. Things that I couldn’t say to Dahyun because I didn’t want to scare her. But more importantly, because I couldn’t find it in myself to say the words out loud for fear that they might come true._

_"Hush, Sattang"_ , _Mina told her that day in spite of being at loss for the right words to say. She hugged her crying form tightly, not once letting go. She remembered the feeling of her fingers threading through her locks. Mina knew that the older girl liked it. "Nothing’s gonna happen to Dahyun-ah,_ arasso _? Besides, you once told me that when you get like this, you need to tell someone right? To jinx it?"_

_Sana nodded._

_"See?" Mina smiled at her. "You told me already. Poof, gone. Your nightmare has been jinxed. Now, you maybe wanna go for some ice cream before I drop you off and Ah-ri back home?"_

> _The visit to Mina proved to be a good decision on both of our ends!! I spent the entire afternoon catching up with her and, later on, with Chaengie too when she joined us as soon as she got off work! ~(^•^~) It was a lovely afternoon, and it helped me forget about things for a while._
> 
> _They dropped us off at home, as promised. And when we were in front of our house, something overcame me, Sattang, and I couldn’t explain it._

Present Sana could, she thought.

_“Unnie, Ah-ri, we’re here!” Chaeyoung said, turning her body to face them with a grin._

_Sana only smiled, seemingly dragging out the time. They remained there in silence for a while. Chaeyoung was probably wondering why she had not responded._

_Then, out of nowhere –_

> _I told them,_

_Promise me you’ll take care of each other, yeah? And Dahyunnie and Ah-ri too._

> _You should have seen the look on Chaengie’s face ㅋㅋㅋ_

_Mina paid her girlfriend no mind and instead said “of course we will” probably to appease Sana. It worked well enough._

_She gave each of them a long and lasting hug before she finally stepped out of the vehicle, Ah-ri snug in her arms. Then before she closed the door, she flashed them a wide smile and said,_ “Aishitemasu, _Minari_. Aishitemasu, _Chaeyoung-ah_. Annyeong!”

 _As soon as she entered their house, she smelled the aroma of the_ dakgangjeong _that Dahyun was cooking up for them in the kitchen. “_ Jagiya _,_ tadaima _,” she said in a sing-song voice. “I’m home, Dahyun-chan!”_

 _“Sana-chan!” she exclaimed excitedly from the kitchen. “_ Bogo sipeo! _I missed you today!”_

_From where she stood, she could make out Dahyun’s features from the back. She was still in her casual clothes with her favorite baggy pants and an oversized shirt tucked in, emphasizing her waist and hips. Her dark hair flowed down her back like smooth, silky curtains, and written all over her body language was her excitement over getting to do something for Sana._

_It was an endearing sight, and it was an image that Sana thought she’d love to see every day for the rest of her life._

_The events of the day and the past week caught up to her then. Out of nowhere, she felt terrified._

_It gave Sana a sudden urge to embrace Dahyun and just_ be _. She ambled across the room all the way to where her lover was and hugged her from behind, pressing their bodies together without leaving any room for space and placing her head on the crook of her shoulder, taking in her scent._

_Vanilla and baby powder. She could get used to this._

_Dahyun giggled when her breath tickled her nape. She took the ladle and put some sauce on the extra spoon. “_ Bballi _.” She blew on the hot sauce and reached behind her to feed Sana. “Quick, taste it while it’s still warm.”_

_Sana shook her head, further burying herself into the softness of her skin. “It already tastes great, Dahyun-chan.”_

_Sensing something was wrong, Dahyun put the spoon down and tried to turn around to face Sana. But the other girl held her firmly in place. “_ Gwaenchanha, _Sana-chan?” she asked, concerned. “Are you all right?”_

_Sana only nodded. “Let’s just… stay like this for a while.”_

_Dahyun, deciding not to push it, held onto both of Sana’s hands that were resting right on the lower part of her belly. She thumbed over the skin of her hand tenderly, comfortingly._

_Sana, on the other hand, savoured the feeling that it gave her. She tightened her hold on Dahyun and began planting open kisses on her soft neck._

_And before she knew it, she was nibbling down on the skin and leaving marks there. She could feel Dahyun’s breaths becoming uneven._

_She freed a hand from Dahyun’s loose hold and moved it south, creeping slowly but surely beneath the waistband of her lover’s pants and undergarments, past the coarse budding tendrils and stilled there, caressing gently._

_“S-Sana”, Dahyun’s breath hitched at the sudden sensation. “T-the food – “_

_“Can wait,” she finished her sentence with a low, raspy voice against her nape. She turned Dahyun around in her arms, pressed her up against the kitchen counter, and kissed her so urgently like there was no time left in the world._

_Acting on its own accord, her other hand found the switch to the stove and turned it off._ Safety _, she mumbled into her lips._

 _Likewise, her_ other _hand, remained right where it belonged and did its own wonders, acting on its own accord._

_Dahyun’s voice was music to her ears. Her reciprocating kisses gave her life._

_The two of them lost themselves in the fiery sensation that consumed their little bubble. Nothing else mattered but the earnestness of the love that they wanted to convey, that they wanted to give each other._

_Overcome with the impending high, Dahyun pulled away from the kiss and threw her head back. She held onto the edge of the counter for support for her legs were turning into jelly; her entire being growing weak at her lover’s touch._

_Sana took this opportunity to kiss her on the neck again, then went up, up, up until her lips found their way next to her pierced ear and, with a low voice, said, “Bedroom.”_

> _We were so very gentle with each other tonight, Sattang. It was slow, it was gradual, and it was such a nice contrast to the times when we just let our want for each other take over ourselves, do you get it?_
> 
> _Tonight, it felt like the world was ours for the taking, that we had all the time in the world to pour out all our feelings for each other with what we were doing._
> 
> _All I felt was Dahyun, all I heard was Dahyun, and all that I had in me was Dahyun._
> 
> _She never stopped saying saranghae to wherever her mouth landed upon, and I never stopped saying aishiteru to wherever mine did._
> 
> _There’s something so different about saying it in your native language, I think? It makes it more special._
> 
> _My heart swelled the whole time._

_After, when Dahyun was soundly sleeping in her birthday suit under the covers right next to her similarly bare lover, Sana again found herself feeling restless._

_She coped with the only way that she knew how at that moment._

> _And now here we are, Sattang._
> 
> _I’ve been seeking your refuge a lot in the middle of the night when our Dahyunnie is fast asleep, haven’t I? ㅋㅋㅋ_

_Dahyun mumbled in hr sleep. It was a name._

_A name that she was all too familiar with._ _A smile formed in the corner of Sana’s lips as watched over the younger girl who seemed so at peace that it felt illegal to disturb her._

> _You should see her right now, Sattang._
> 
> _Oh wait, you’re me. Of course you can see her ㅋㅋㅋ_
> 
> _But let me write it down for you (and for me too)!_
> 
> _Her soft, milky cheek was squished against the white pillow. Sometimes you have to do a double take to see where her cheek ended and the pillow began ㅎㅎ_
> 
> _Her lips were pouty. They’re slightly reddish and tad bit bruised… Okay I’ll take the blame for that ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)_
> 
> _Then her closed eyes were into a thin line, her eyebrows turned slightly upward. She really looks so peaceful, Sattang, that it makes me so happy._

_She looked up from her diary when she felt Dahyun shift. Her leg draped across her leg, her hand reaching across her torso and finding its place right there on her belly. Sana giggled to herself._

> _Dahyunnie just wrapped me in her arm and leg, Sattang._ Ottoke _? What do I do?_
> 
> _I think she’s telling me to put you down and join her in her sleep._ Gwiyeopta _Dahyun-chan ㅠㅠ_
> 
> _Can we stay like this forever?_
> 
> _Jaljayo,_
> 
> _Kim Sana_

•••

On the following day, Sana was surprised to see Mrs. Kim with Mina and Chaeyoung back at their house.

And with them, big boxes that were made for moving.

And unlike Sana, Dahyun did not seem to be fazed at all by the oddity of it all.

In fact, it seemed as though she had expected it.

 _What is going?_ Sana desperately wanted to ask.

“We brought chocolate cake again in case you get tired,” Chaeyoung happily announced as she lifted a small box for Dahyun to see.

Sana saw stars dancing in the glint of her lover’s eyes. _Of course_.

Chaeyoung bounced on her heels as her best friend gladly took the parcel from her hands. “Ready to do this?”

•••

As it turned out, it was Sana’s belongings that they were packing.

It had taken her a while before she realized it.

They began with the clothes in the walk-in closet that they had taken pride in. Dahyun had thrown in some of her own clothes – the ones that she had not worn in a while.

Then it was her shoes. There were quite a lot of them, Sana had to admit. Dahyun knew it too.

_“What do you need another pair of heels for?”_

_“For work”,_ she would retort as-a-matter-of-factly.

 _“Sanaaa,"_ she would whine. “ _You just got a new pair last week. For the same reason.”_

_“And? Do you want them to think I have no capacity to pay for myself?”_

_“What? No that’s not – “_

_“Exactly,”_ she used to the conversation as she stole a kiss from the younger, dumbfounded girl. _“Besides, you_ love _me in heels.”_

And now all of them were packed in a huge box that was pushed against a wall.

The next order of business was the candles that Sana had spent a lot of her time crafting.

It was then that Sana felt worry creep up in her veins.

_Was Dahyun… leaving?_

“Why these, too, unnie?” Chaeyoung inquired as she turned one of the smaller ones in her grasp. It was a small, pink candle that vaguely smelled like strawberries.

“Oh, um,” Dahyun mulled over her thoughts. “I thought of maybe freeing up some space to put more photos there. I think _otosan_ and _obaachan_ , Sana’s grandmother, would love to have Sana-chan’s scented candles for their homes too.”

Chaeyoung nodded, still holding onto the tiny candle.

Dahyun laughed at her hesitation. “Go ahead, Chaeyoung-ah. I know Sana would have loved for you to keep that.”

The younger girl broke into a wide smile, saying “ _Gomawo_ , unnie! You’re the best!”

“Ah, I remember these!” Mina exclaimed from within guest room. Curiosity piqued, the rest of them followed her voice and found her plopped in front of an opened drawer. “Sattang and I used to do this all the time during our free time in uni!”

Sana drifted towards where Mina sat and then grinned at the memories.

It was the calligraphy set that she owned; the expensive set that took her nearly two months to save up for. Sana took pride in the fact.

It was also one of the first things that she left at Dahyun’s dorm back then, effectively marking her territory.

That, and the toothbrush and the hoodie and sometimes the underwear that she left, too.

But Chaeyoung and Mina did not need to know that.

Mina shuffled through the many pieces of parchment paper that they used for practicing and laughed when she saw Dahyun’s name showing up more frequently, coupled with Sana’s name that had a certain Korean surname beside it.

“ _Yah_ ,” Dahyun took the papers, embarrassed now, especially since her own mother was right next to them to witness all of it. “Sana…”

The rest of them, Sana included, could only laugh at her misery.

Mrs. Kim suddenly sat down next to Mina to pick something up from where the calligraphy set once was.

“What’s this?”

Dahyun laughed to herself, taking the wrapper of chocolate from her mother. “It’s this chocolate that she really liked but couldn’t find any place that sells it.”

“So she kept the wrapper?” Chaeyoung asked incredulously, albeit humoured.

“So she kept the wrapper,” Dahyun affirmed.

Even Mina laughed at the absurdity of it all. “That is so Sattang.”

Sana glared at the girl beside her.

“And this?” Her mother picked up a single, unpaired piece of slipper that was collecting dust at the very back of the drawer. On it was a drawing of a character that Sana was very vocal about being fond of.

Both her and Dahyun’s eyes widened. “Ah, so that’s where it was!” Dahyun took the slipper from her mother, laughing. “It’s her favorite indoor Betty Boop slipper. We’ve been looking for this for _ages_. How did that even get there?”

A certain four-legged creature entered the room then.

And smiled when he saw the footwear in his mother’s hands.

Sana pieced two and two together and let out an exhale, disbelieving. _Ah-ri…_

This time, it was Mina who spotted more items at the back of the drawer.

Big books, Sana noted.

Carefully, Mina lifted the heavy books and laid them one by one in the middle of their small circle.

Sana heard the voice of her own father in her mind. _I saw the medical books in the guest room_.

Sana guessed that these were the ones that he was talking about.

Dahyun said nothing and instead leafed through the glossy, dog-eared pages that kept folded pieces of paper and brochures and notes with scribbles that looked to be by Dahyun’s in between.

“What are you planning to do with them?” Chaeyoung asked out of the blue.

Her best friend graced them with a tight-lipped smile. “I’m thinking of donating them to the medical library at our university.”

“That’s generous of you, Dahyun-ah,” Mi-tan praised her. She picked up a thick piece of parchment that served as a makeshift bookmark. “A brochure? In…” She scrunched her brows at the foreign words. “Switzerland, isn’t it?”

“Ah.” Dahyun took it from her hands and unfolded. Most of it was in a language that Sana could neither read nor decipher. “It’s the guesthouse that Seulgi-unnie recommended during my stay there.”

Sana looked at Dahyun, doe-eyed. Her heart dropped to the floor of her stomach. _Switzerland, Dahyunnie?_

“Why Switzerland again, unnie?” Chaeyoung asked, picking up a train ticket this time.

Sana closed her eyes, knowing the answer to that. _It’s my dream destination_ , she thought as Dahyun voiced out her thoughts.

Except Dahyun had more to say. “It’s where I would have taken her for our honeymoon,” she said, albeit bashful in the presence of her mother.

Sana diverted her gaze again towards the sweet girl next to her, disbelieving. Her chest felt both hollow and filled with an enormous amount of emotions – emotions that even she could not describe and put into words.

_How do you even remember the smallest details about me?_

“It just… seems symbolic that way,” Dahyun further added, pulling out a brochure that said _cremation beads_ on the header.

Sana paused to take a look at the thin glossy paper even though the rest of them did not bat an eye.

 _These look like the ones in the living room_ , she thought, frowning. _But how come they don’t seem to glow in the photos?_

She diverted her attention back to the rest of them when she realized that it had gotten quiet.

 _Too_ quiet.

Dahyun had apparently stopped flipping through pages and was now staring blankly at a certain section.

Sana had also stopped in her tracks when her eyes inevitably focused themselves on the page before them. _That word… I’ve heard that before._

Chaeyoung, noticing the sudden change in aura in her friend, craned her neck to read whatever it was her gaze was transfixed upon. “ _Simgeunjeung_ ,” she read out the syllables. “Cardiomyopathy.” She looked at Dahyun warily. “Is that…”

Dahyun nodded dismissively, then closed the book right away. Sana look at her expectantly, fearing the inevitable. “ _De_ ,” she began. “Yes. It’s what we lost Sana to.”

Sana stood up abruptly, the world spinning right before her eyes.

Flashbacks of her last day clouded her mind. Repressed memories that were now resurfacing at a fast rate, and Sana could not keep up.

Flashbacks of a ten-year old being shielded by her father whose life was also falling to pieces as the white walls continued to smell funnily and another woman behind them grievously whispered: _“sudden cardiac death”_ and _“time of death”_.

Her father’s voice echoed in her mind.

 _Maybe she was just tied to her mother like that_.

She knew that word. All too well.

It was what they had lost her mother too.

_You did wish to be exactly like your mother, did you not?_

She ran out of the guest room, feeling suffocated by the gravity of knowing what she died of. It was such an unnatural thing for anyone to experience, but she guessed that her somehow walking the earth _still_ was just as unnatural.

Sana collapsed onto her knees, her lungs giving out.

She found herself in front of their family photo in the living room. The same one that she saw everyday in the _before_ and _after_.

A gasp escaped past her lips. The waves of her distress broke through the crack in the dam.

For everything was too much for her already weakened heart. And what was worse was that she had to go through it all again, yet she was pushed right up against the wall and she could not do anything about it.

 _I’m sorry, Dahyun_ , she said to herself, for saying it to her lover was a futile attempt anyway. _I’m sorry I wished for us to become like my parents. I’m sorry I had to make you go through the suffering that my mother made me and father go through._

_I’m sorry for not saying goodbye like she did._

_I’m sorry._

Her lover’s face came into mind. The one that she saw more recently.

The happy one that used to look her in the eye like she was her entire world.

The happy one that she saw more often recently because she was beginning to be okay.

The happy one that got herself back on her own two feet, slightly wounded but nonetheless walking.

Living in the _after_ meant that Sana had to witness her own and Dahyun’s world crumble and be put back together by none other than themselves again.

It meant that she had to see the people she left behind continue living their own lives without her. In any way that they can.

The once cruel joke that Sana believed the world was playing on her was actually a gift hiding in plain sight this whole time.

Her soul, the 0.111958% of her entire being was held on earth by her own will to make sure that the people that she loved and loved her right back were _fine_.

And Dahyun, the person who made her feel alive even in death, was the last person she had to see through. The final piece to the last thing that she needed to do in the _after_. The last purpose of hers on earth.

Sana understood, and she understood it well.

And now she knew her time was almost up.

•••

The day ended with the three younger women bidding Mr. and Mrs. Kim goodbye. The older couple took it upon themselves to volunteer to pick up Sana’s belongings and be the ones to drop them off to the chosen charity that they daughter knew would be able to care for the things that her lover owned, once upon a time. Due to the lack of space, however, they offered to come back for the rest of the boxes on the morrow, but Dahyun refused.

She wanted to be the one to drop off the rest of the boxes with the other things she did not have the heart yet to pack.

That left Dahyun and Sana in the company of their best friends. It was nearly sunset now, and although they all knew that the two needed to be on their way as well, Mina and Chaeyoung insisted on staying behind.

“Are you up for _soju_ and the chocolate cake that you brought?” Dahyun piped. Too eagerly to fool anyone.

A strange combo was what it was, Sana thought. But she knew Mina and Chaeyoung too well to predict that they would not decline her lover’s offer.

“Sure.” It was Mina who shrugged now. Dahyun clapped her hands and went off to prepare their food for them.

Sana, still heartbroken but calmer than she was just mere hours before, followed suit, leaving the two in the living room. It was not hard to see that they were all spent from the rigorous activity that they had partaken in all afternoon.

Not only did it drain them all physically, but emotionally, as well.

She saw it in the slight tremors in Dahyun’s hands as she grabbed the plates and fixed them up their food.

She saw it in her rapid blinks as she willed herself not to lose her composure over _cake_.

She saw it in the many times she had to go back and forth because she kept forgetting something.

Or, more like, her mind was preoccupied with one thing and one thing only.

 _Her_.

When she finally got herself together and went back to Mina and Chaeyoung, Sana was surprised to see the two huddled up together, holding the glass case with the dully shimmering beads in them. Not one of them said anything.

They looked up as soon as they sensed Dahyun’s presence back in the room. Sana was quick to notice their eyes swimming with worry at the sight of the girl. With the glass case held firmly between her hands, Mina nudged Chaeyoung to scoot a bit to make space for Dahyun between them. Chaeyoung obeyed, patting on the space in the process.

Dahyun knew she had no choice.

She set everything down on the coffee table in front of them, then herself on the couch. She did not speak. Or maybe she did not know what to say.

Sana settled herself in front of her lover, going on standby and anticipating the worst.

“ _Gwaenchanhayo?_ ” Mina broke the silence. “Are you alright?”

Dahyun hummed.

Mina lowered her head, thumbing the glass case over as she went over her thoughts. “Dahyun-ah,” she began. Dahyun hummed inquisitively this time. “What are you planning to do with the beads?”

The other girl looked sideways, placing a tentative hand on the side of the glass. “You mean her ashes, _unnie_?”

Sana’s heart plummeted to the ground, following their line of vision.

The beads stayed there, unfazed.

“ _Otosan_ mentioned _obaachan_ getting sad over not being able to visit her here,” Dahyun replied without missing a beat. Like she had been considering it for a long time now. “I think it’s time to take her home.”

A few tears dropped from Mina’s eyes as she nodded in understanding. Chaeyoung reached for her from behind Dahyun to give a comforting touch on her back. “We’ll come with you.”

“ _Arasso,_ ” Sana’s lover mumbled curtly. “She’d love that.”

Sana stared at the beads when the three girls fell quiet. She felt herself getting choked up at the realization that, all this time, she had been living with a fragment of herself.

The only part of her that remained in this world.

The beads never shined any more brightly than they used to.

Chaeyoung roamed her eyes around the house. Or what was left of it. She spoke to no one in particular. “Seems emptier than usual, doesn’t it?”

Dahyun hummed once more. “It’s going to take some getting used to,” she whispered, her voice cracking.

Sana saw her lover’s lips trembling again.

She leaned forward, arms on Dahyun’s lap, and buried her face there.

Crying.

It was the last straw, she knew. She understood.

And she accepted.

(But part of her wished that Dahyun could her right then and comb her fingers through her hair to assuage her grief. Like she did before when was not fine.)

 _Take your time_ , _Dahyun-chan,_ Sana whispered into her lap. _Take all the time you need._

Mina and Chaeyoung hugged her from either side. Then, Chaeyoung, ever the observant and contemplative woman that she was, mused as she, too, held back her tears for the older women next to her: “She’s everywhere, isn’t she?”

“She is,” Dahyun replied, finally breaking and taking Mina along with her.

“Do you still think about where Sana-unnie could be right now?”

 _I’m right here, Dahyun-chan_ , Sana thought, feeling only her aching heart in her chest. _I never did leave_.

“ _Maeil_ ,” Dahyun said without missing a beat. “Every day."

•••

Sana remembered her last day a little bit all too well.

•••

_“Will you be spending New Year’s with us?”_

_She was lounging on the couch, her phone tucked in between her ear and her shoulders, as she spoke to her father over the phone and Ah-ri laid asleep on her chest._

“5-7 mm, heavy rainfall will take place continuously today. Slight chances of thunderstorm to be anticipated, _” the weather reporter’s voice echoed from the television on her father’s end of the line. “_ Stay dry and safe, everyone.”

_From within the safety of their own home, Sana could hear the pitter-patter of the raindrops against the rooftop._

_It was a slow, rainy afternoon for Sana. Dahyun had been gone for a few hours due to work – granted, she complained_ a lot _about having to go meet her editor on holiday season, and on a stormy day at that, so now Sana was left home alone with their son who was cutely whimpering in his dreams._

_Sometimes she wished she was a dog. Just eating then sleeping. Having no care in the world._

_It must be nice._

_“_ Hai _,” her father replied on the other end. “They don’t need me back until after the holidays. I think I’ll be able to stay with you again by then.” She heard a fumbling sound from her father’s end. “What do you want me to cook for you?”_

 _Sana smiled widely even though her father could not see. “Dahyun-chan has been craving_ hitsumabushi _lately…”_

_She heard her father snort. “Dahyun-chan or you?”_

_“Yah!”_ she yelled at him, laughing at the same time. _“So if it was me, you wouldn’t make it?”_

_Her father laughed with her. “I can give you a piggyback ride instead?”_

_“You’re so unfair!” she screamed playfully in that high-pitched voice of hers. Ah-ri was startled awake at the sudden noise. Sana immediately scrambled to pet him back to sleep._

_“You woke Ah-ri up, how dare you?”_

_“_ Otosaaaan, _” she whined at his incessant teasing._

_Mr. Minatozaki chuckled. “Sana-chan, I have to go soon. I’ll see you New Year’s, ok?”_

_“_ Hai _,” Sana replied. “Stay safe please! The storm’s getting worse.”_

 _“I will,” her father assured her. “_ Bye-bye _. Don’t let the thunder get to you, ok?_ Aishitemasu _!”_

_“Aishitemasu, otochan!”_

_She carefully set Ah-ri down as she got to her feet. She stumbled slightly, having to hold onto the backrest of the couch as she felt herself becoming lightheaded from the sudden movement._

_She closed her eyes for a bit, trying to steady herself. Part of her could hear Dahyun’s voice worrying about her and slightly reprimanding her about having missed her iron supplements lately._

_When she felt stable enough, she opened her eyes again, but was a bit taken aback when she saw that her surroundings were a bit blurry._

Strange _, she thought. Maybe she needed to take some rest._

_She shook her head then went to the kitchen to fix Ah-ri up his lunch before she could fall asleep. She was not a neglectful mother, after all._

_Ah-ri followed her into the kitchen as soon as he heard the sound of his dog food dropping onto his bowl. Sana smiled at his excited face._

_Once she was sure that Ah-ri can be left alone, she headed to their bedroom to take her rest, making sure to leave the door open for him if ever he decided to sleep in too._

_That was when it all began._

_She was about to enter their closet to change into her pyjamas when lightning flashed from outside the window. Right before her eyes._

_And then – the thunder._

_It came sooner than she had expected, and so Sana, who never overcame her fear of the loud sound, was immediately overcome with fear and anxiety._

_She squealed, cowering at the terrifying roar of the skies above, and hit her back against the wall in the process._

_Sana’s heart beat loudly in her chest that she could_ hear _it right in her ears._

 _It beat rapidly –_ too _rapidly – sometimes right after the other, sometimes missing a few beats in between._

 _Nonetheless, she felt_ each _and_ every _single heartbeat that it seemed as though her heart was trying to escape out of her ribcage._

_Another thunder clapped. This time, she was unable to prepare herself for it even more, for she was too preoccupied with the unwelcomed fluttering in her chest._

_Her heart was pounding now._ Dahyun _, she thought_. I need Dahyun.

Breathe with me, Sana, _was what she would have said. Sana would have complied._

_With a quick scan of the room, Sana soon felt fear creep up her veins._

_Her phone was nowhere in sight._

The kitchen counter _, realization hit her soon enough._ I left it when I fed Ah-ri.

_Then –_

_Heaviness filled her chest. Gradually, and then all at once._

_She clutched onto her chest tightly, gasping for air, for she that the wind was knocked right out of her lungs from all the pain, and that properly suffocated her._

What is happening? _she asked herself in her mind, her hand still grasping her chest to alleviate the heaviness._ Where’s Dahyun?

_Her vision became progressively blurry, and the lightheadedness that she felt in the bedroom earlier was suddenly back. Despite this, she was able to take a few more steps forward before she stumbled sideways against the threshold of their closet, attempting to grasp it._

_But failing miserably in the process._

_Her limbs gave out beneath her, and the girl collapsed on the carpeted floor of their bedroom._

_Sana turned on her back and stared up at the ceiling, hand still on her chest._

_A tear escaping her eye._

Dahyun’s going to be home soon, Sana, _she attempted to keep herself awake fighting the urge to just let her sudden desire to sleep and her drooping eyelids overpower her will._ Hang on a little longer.

_Her breaths became progressively shallow._

_All she could see was the white ceiling above her._

_All she could hear were the ragged breaths that she was managing to take._

_All she could feel was her heart beating feebly underneath her touch._

_The sound of footsteps gave her a bit of life._ Tiny _footsteps._

_Sana rotated her head to the right and saw Ah-ri at the door. She smiled at him weakly and made a sound with her lips to signal him to come in._

_Ah-ri was quick to follow._

_He stood next to her face, staring curiously at her mother at first before licking her cheeks as if to keep her awake._

_As if to convey in his own little way:_ I’m here, mother. Ah-ri is here for you.

_Sana smiled at his intent, then turned her gaze back up to the ceiling, letting more tears run down the side of her temples. It was all that she felt now._

_The ceiling was still white._

_Then, quick flashes of her life played out right before her eyes._

_Suddenly, she was a little girl being carried on her father’s back as he ran them around the playground near their home in Osaka while her mother took pictures from the side._

_Suddenly, she was back at the university and her stomach was hurting from laughing with Mina and Chaeyoung and Dahyun right beside her._

_Suddenly, she was back at that café where Dahyun beamed at her for the very first time._

_Suddenly, she was sitting in their living room with her father smiling brightly at her as they spent the wee hours of the Christmas morning talking about nonsense and life in general._

_Suddenly, her mother was right beside her, and she looked so beautiful and youthful with that ethereal smile of hers, as she covered Sana’s ears to protect her from the thunderstorm and whispered,_ okaasan is here, Sana-chan; you’re fine now.

_Like she did that day at the foot of the stairs when Sana grasped the meaning of love for the very first time._

_Sana felt sleepy._

_“_ Okaasan _…”_

_Unable to fight the urge to stay awake, she let herself give in and closed her eyes._

_In her mind’s eye, she saw the wide, gummy smile that Dahyun had given her at the door that very morning before she left. It was all that she saw now._

_Sana felt the ghost of a smile tug at the corners of her lips at the sight._

_She heard Ah-ri whimpering and barking right next to her ear._

_It was getting softer, but she could still make out the sounds all the same._

_It was all that Sana could hear now._

_It was the last thing that Sana could hear now._

•••

Sana broke down on their bedroom floor where her own body once laid.

Her last night, her last morning, the last moments leading up to her very demise.

She remembered it all. And it broke her already broken heart to do so.

Sana let out all the anguish that the very act of remembering had inflicted upon her.

For, to Sana, to remember it all did not just signify the memories coming back to haunt her.

To remember it all meant that she had to relive everything. Like being transported back in time.

Like dying all over again.

And it was exactly what coming to terms with her demons and accepting everything in the _after_ felt like to Sana.

She was dying again, but the difference this time was that she knew that she was about to leave soon.

And for that, Sana grieved.

She grieved for herself and the dreams that she made for herself but had not been able to fulfil in her life.

She grieved for the people that she left behind, for she saw how much her departure had caused them misery and how much they had all changed because of it.

She grieved for her little family in this very house and the bigger family that they could have become if only.

_If only –_

She grieved for the life that she could have had with Dahyun, for the girl who gave her the world, wanted to give her _even more_ , and continued to do so even in the afterlife.

“I’m so sorry, Dahyun-chan,” a broken sob escaped past her quivering lips. “I’m so sorry for causing you this much pain.

“I’m so sorry that I have to leave again.”

She cried and she cried and she cried, and in the _after_ , it was all that Sana could hear.

“Sana-chan?”

A voice cut through the silence of the night. She opened her eyes, alarmed.

She _knew_ that voice.

“Sana-chan, i-is that you?” Dahyun called out into the room tentatively. Yet no trace of fear could be found in the way that she talked and in the way that she moved. “Sana-chan, why are you crying?”

Sana’s heart crumbled.

She had worn her heart on her sleeve only for the universe to grab a hold of it and squeeze it tightly within their grasp to hurt her even more.

_Of all the times that I had hoped to be heard, why now?_

“Sana-chan, I – “ Dahyun paused, unable to say anything more. She looked frantic, searching everywhere in the bedroom for a sign – _any sign at all_ – of a hint of her lover’s presence in the same atmosphere where she was in. Sana stood up from where she was sprawled on the floor, eyes widened and unable to grasp the situation. “Sana-chan, I know you’re in here.

“I-I guess… I guess I always knew?” Dahyun continued to speak into nothingness, certain that she was being heard. “You’d say I’m weird and delusional, but I think I always actually felt you?” She heard a chuckle being let out by the younger girl. “You know when I used to have difficulty sleeping and you’d spoon me because you knew that I slept better feeling warm?”

Sana closed her eyes, thinking back to all the nights when _yes_ , she _did_ do all those things.

Even in the _after_ , she did do that. And she basked in it.

“It always felt different right before I fell asleep,” her lover continued to talk to her. “Like there was this wind that was wrapping itself around my body and surrounding nothing else but me only.

“And that day when I danced alone to your favourite song, I-I – “ Dahyun looked down at her small hands, opening and closing them like she was trying to conjure up something there. To _feel_ something there. “I swore I could feel you back in my arms, _jagiya_. In that moment, it didn’t feel like… it didn’t feel like I was alone, you know?

“I know it was you, Sana-chan.”

Sana let out a shaky breath.

She remembered that moment very well. It was also the very thing that she wished for when she decided to wrap herself up back in her lover’s arms.

De, _Dahyun-chan¸_ Sana thought, tears running freely down her cheeks. _It was me._

“I-it was a rather cool wind, but it was warm, too, and I-I know how strange that sounds, but it’s really what I felt, Sana-chan,” Dahyun rambled on, her voice breaking near the end. “ _Gomawo, jagiya_ ,” she whispered.

Sana opened her eyes and saw Dahyun’s face contorted in despair, desperately looking for her in the room.

The girl could not take it anymore.

She took slow but sure steps towards the foot of the bed where she could sit in front of Dahyun and face her.

Through bleary eyes, she reached forward and cupped her lover’s cheek with her right hand.

Dahyun tensed up, her breath hitching as soon as the ghost of her mind made contact.

Then Dahyun cried.

And with her, so did Sana.

They set their foreheads against each and together they cried.

Dahyun’s trunk trembled, her shoulders slouched from the heavy weight that she carried upon them.

“I always hated myself for not being able to come home earlier that day, but – “ Dahyun’s brows met in the midline as the self-loathing and regret filled her once more. “Must the universe punish me even more?

“I never got to say goodbye to you, _jagiya,_ ” Dahyun said with so much remorse. “How come you got to say goodbye to everyone else but me, Sana-chan?”

Another choked sob was let out by Sana. _Forgive me, Dahyun-chan. Please forgive me._

“But it doesn’t matter anymore because you’re here now.” She said, attempting to smile. But it was soon replaced by sorrow and grief. “Won’t you let me say goodbye now?”

 _I don’t want you to,_ Sana said in her mind. _But if it means that it will set us both free, then by all means,_ jebal.

 _Please_.

Her lover swallowed the lump in her throat. “I always thought of what I would have said to you had we were given the chance to say our goodbyes, but now that it’s here – “ she scoffed, disappoint written all over her. “I can’t even think of where to start.”

Sana shook her head, thumping down her self-loathing. _It’s okay, Dahyun-chan,_ gwaenchanha, Sana wanted to say. _I know what you want to say. You’ve said and shown them all over the past year._

She took a deep, ragged breath. “You were the best thing about my life, Sana-chan. You gave me purpose and happiness. You taught me all that there is to know about love and patience and acceptance.” She paused to breathe in. “ _Gomawo_ , Sana-chan,” she said, her voice more stable. “I loved you then and I love you now. I hope I got to give you the happiness even though you deserved more.”

Sana leaned in to kiss Dahyun’s forehead. Her lover’s eyes fluttered shut. _There was happiness in my life because of you, Dahyun-chan._

They stayed there in that position for a little more. Both of them not wanting to move for fear of their remaining time left coming to an end again.

“Sana-chan,” Dahyun began.

“ _De, jagiya_?” was what she would have replied.

“Can you lay with me again until I fall asleep?” she asked timidly, the tears never stopping their freefall. “For one last time?”

Sana’s shoulders trembled, her head nodding _yes, yes, yes, Dahyun-chan, I would love to._

And so the two lovers, in their dream-like state fell backward onto the softness of the pillow.

They settled beneath the comfort of the weighted blanket, with Dahyun’s lithe body moulded perfectly against Sana’s longer one.

And for one last time, Sana buried her face into her lover’s nape and wrapped her in as much loving embrace as she could offer.

And despite their aching hearts and trembling features, the two lovers, who were forcibly pulled apart once in their lives, only recognized the broken yet eternal love they knew and let it be the only consuming their insides in that very moment.

•••

Dahyun’s breathing eventually evened out. Her shoulders no longer shook.

Sana lifted her head slightly to see for herself that Dahyun had fallen back asleep.

“Sana…” she mumbled her name.

Her heart clenched.

Dahyun was sleep talking.

Now, in that significant evening, even in her sleep, she saw her. She was talking to _her_.

“Sana-chan, _ippeuyo,_ ” she cooed. “So, so beautiful.”

Sana giggled through her glassy eyes. “You _pabo_ ,” she playfully flicked her nose. “Of all the things you can say to me, this fool.”

The gaiety in her expressions was quickly replaced with guilt. “Sana-chan… Please forgive me for not making it in time.”

She hushed her, running a hand through her hair. “Forgive yourself,” she asked of her. “For ever thinking that you have wronged me.”

A lone tear slid past her thick lashes and down to the pillowcase as she nodded reluctantly. “What do I do now, Sana?”

Sana sniffed, her hand carding through her hair. “You live, _jagiya_. Live the life that we were supposed to.” She wiped away the tear. “Find love again.” Sana paused, rethinking for a split second before she relented. “Find someone whom you’ll love more than you loved me.”

Dahyun shook her head against the pillow, a frown evident in her face. “Don’t ask that of me…”

Sana choked up. _She could hear me?_

It was a chance for the two lovers.

She decided to go along with it.

 _"_ But you must,” Sana reiterated. “You have so much love to give, Dahyunnie, and it would be a waste if no one gave it back to you in return.” She kissed the corner of her puckered lips lightly. “I won’t ask you to promise me because I don’t want to burden you.”

“ _Gomawo_ ,” Dahyun replied softly.

“Dahyun-ah?” Sana asked, her thoughts running towards certain pieces of shimmering globes. “Will you take me home?”

“Would you want me to?” Dahyun asked back with a raspy voice. She was still fast asleep.

“ _Ne,_ I would love that.”

“ _Arachung_ ,” Dahyun mimicked Sana, who only giggled in return. “For you, I will.”

The fear that had been bubbling up in Sana’s entire being rose up to the surface. “Dahyun-ah,” she said her name in reverie. “You won’t forget me, will you?”

Sana was surprised when she saw Dahyun’s lips quivering again. “How could I,” she mumbled the words. “When you're the one who still holds my heart? When you're the very person who changed my entire life that moment you pretended to know me on that fateful day?”

Sana was at a loss for words. How could she have ever doubted Dahyun? 

Dahyun who never once made her feel inadequate? Dahyun who looked at her like she was her entire world? 

"How could I," Dahyun went on. "When you're the love of my life?"

"I'm yours just as much as you're mine, Dahyun-chan." Sana held her hand and kissed her knuckles, her lips lingering a bit. “But my things…” she roamed her eyes again at the obvious emptiness of the dark bedroom. “You’ve given them away… You’re not leaving, are you?”

Dahyun’s lips formed a thin smile. _Even in her sleep, she looked like a cat_ , Sana observed, amused.

“This is our home, Sana,” the words came out croaky. “We’ve lived our life here. And I’ll continue to do so for us.”

Sana buried her face in her hands, not really knowing how to respond to that except with a small _gomawo_.

“Sana?”

“I’m here, Dahyunnie,” she reassured. _Still here_.

She set her lips in a thin line. Sana could feel her struggling even in her dreams. “I can’t ask you to stay, can I?”

Sana closed her eyes and bit down on her lower lip.

She wanted to, of course.

God knew how much she wanted to.

Against everything in her, she replied with the words that had been admixed with her acceptance of the truth.

“I’m afraid not, _jagiya,_ ” Sana could only whisper.

More tears escaped her closed eyes. “Okay,” she, too, accepted. “I will find you again in our next life, Sana-chan,” she promised with finality. “And if not there, then in the one after that.”

Sana nodded eagerly in spite of the tears that were right there brimming her doe-shaped eyes. “I will find you, too, Dahyun-chan,” she spoke softly.

“Let’s meet again, Sana-chan.”

She hushed her and kissed her on the cheek. “Let’s meet again, Dahyun-chan.”

“ _Sayonara,_ Sana-chan,” Dahyun finally let go. “ _Aishiteru._ ”

 _“Annyeong_ , Dahyun-chan.” So did Sana. “ _Saranghae._ ”

•••

When Sana was convinced that her lover was not about to wake up anytime soon again, she carefully slid out from their bed, planted a kiss on the sleeping girl’s forehead, then roamed their house again.

One last time.

Memories of her first night back home as The Girl flooded her mind.

The utter familiarity and unfamiliarity of the house, her utmost curiosity over the faces on the wall.

The way that she was drawn to a single corner.

 _The corner_ , she gasped.

She walked over to it, letting herself be guided by the weakly glowing light.

_What are you planning to do with her beads?_

_You mean her ashes?_

What used to be a cluster of blinding, shimmering beads was now a single entity giving off a feeble glow.

She knew what it meant; knew that there was only one thing left holding it back from completely running out of light.

Herself.

_Will you take me home?_

_“_ I’m you” _,_ she spoke to it, her words falling deaf on the unhearing inanimate object. “All this time, I was you.”

The bead only continued to shine in her eyes.

“I guess I always felt a connection,” she mused now. “It was only me who couldn’t bear to look at you for too long at a time. You blinded me.”

Still, nothing.

“I guess we have to go now, huh?” A lone tear fell from her eye to the ground beneath her. “I’ve fulfilled our purpose. They’re well. They are all living. And now I got to say goodbye to Dahyunnie.

“It was a sick joke at first, but I think I understand now why it all had to happen.” She sniffed, wiping at her tears as she went on with her conversation with herself. “Thank you for guiding me and Dahyunnie this past year, but…” she trailed off, remembering her conversation with the asleep girl earlier. “I think we’re both ready now.” She beamed at it. “You’re going home soon. _We’re_ going home.”

The light coming from the bead sparkled for a split second.

Sana smiled in quiet understanding.

Her eyes travelled up to the frame behind it.

_“Dahyunnie!” she led her towards the balcony of their hotel room to watch the Singapore sunset, hand in hand. “It’s so beautiful here.”_

_She closed her eyes, letting the cool sea breeze fill her nostrils._

_Then –_

_A snap._

_Sana opened her eyes to see Dahyun slowly lowering the digital camera to reveal her gummy smile._

_“You looked so pretty there with the orange sun hitting your face,” she said poetically like the writer that she was. Sana had to roll her eyes to hide the butterflies that she was feeling. Soon enough, she felt Dahyun’s arms hugging her from behind, her chin struggling to rest on her shoulder. “_ Nae Sana-chan ippeuyo _,” she whispered shyly. “My Sana-chan is so pretty.”_

_I lived a good life_ , she thought to herself.

Her eyes drifted towards the inscription. She reached forward, letting the tips of her fingers trace the outlines of the characters that she had always recognized.

_泣いて暮らすも一緒、笑って暮らすも一緒_

“ _Naite kurasu mo issho, waratte kuraso mo issho_ ,” she voiced out into the darkness. “It is the same life whether we spend it laughing or crying.

“Please let Dahyun-chan live her life well,” she whispered to whoever was listening. “Let her live her life and love even the hurtful parts about it.”

She continued drifting about, taking in every aspect, every memory that she had spent in their home during the _before_ and during the _after_. The house may have seemed emptier now, but the memories, the happiness that she had felt living in it were still there. Etched in every step that she made, plastered in every smile that the Sana in the photographs brought.

When she was satisfied, she went back to the bedroom where she knew she should be.

Dahyun was still fast asleep, and so was Ah-ri who had now found himself at the foot of her bed.

Sana picked him up, aware that she would disturb his peace, then laid him in between her and Dahyun on their bed.

On the bedside table, a lone purple journal that once belonged to a girl named Kim Sana laid idly.

 _Sattang_ , she said in her mind, picking it up and flipping to a random page. Her smile grew when she recognized the entry.

And so, The Girl named Sana began to read.

One last time.

> _Sattang,_
> 
> _Dahyunnie surprised me at work today so that we could eat lunch together._
> 
> _There was no special occasion. She just wanted to, she said *u* I could still feel my heart fluttering as I write about it now, Sattang ㅋ aigo I can hear Chaeng-Chaeng calling me whipped ㅋㅋ_
> 
> _Nayeon-unnie even teased us for it, saying we were so cheesy and that we needed to get a room, but we all knew she loves us anyway._
> 
> _She even volunteered to cover for my shift for like an hour! So sweet ㅠㅠ Even though she cursed us again for continuously making her our third wheel. ㅋㅋ_
> 
> _Dahyunnie took us to the university café today! We were so pleasantly surprised to see Jihyo-ssi there, but, get this: she’s a manager now!! And because she remembered us as one of her more frequent customers, she made our lunch on the house!! We insisted on paying, really, but Jihyo said she’d kick us out (again) if we didn’t accept. ㅎ_
> 
> _But the most interesting part of the day was yet to happen, Sattang._
> 
> _While Dahyun-chan was in line to pick up our food from the counter, there was this guy who approached her with a drink. I was about to throw hands, I really was! But then she looked back my way with a stupid grin on her face while nodding at the guy. Whoever he was._
> 
> _I felt my mood turning sour even as she sat back down at our table with all the food that Jihyo-ssi had asked to prepare for us. I was about to start interrogating her, but she cut me to it by placing the drink in front of me and saying, “this one’s for you. He asked me to give it to my_ friend _.”_
> 
> _Now, both Dahyun-chan and I aren’t blind to our looks. She’s well aware of the attention that I somehow get from the people around us, and I, too, was aware that she had just as much people attracted to her, too. But I’m gonna be honest with you. I was shocked, Sattang ㅋㅋㅋ then we couldn’t stop laughing about it even when the guy came over to our table to introduce himself. But I felt so bad about taking something from him, so I simply said, “thank you, I’m good.”_
> 
> _But he was so baffled, Sattang!! He said again that the drink was for me._
> 
> _So, Dahyun-chan, maybe having had enough of it, idk, talked to me out of nowhere and asked, “So who’s gonna tell him? Me or you?”_
> 
> _I was still giggling pretty badly at this point, but I managed to hold her hand for the guy, and all of the other people in the café, to see. Then I told him apologetically, “Thank you again for the drink, but I think I’m good here with the lunch that I’m having with my girlfriend.” Of course I made sure to emphasize girlfriend, Sattang. ㅋㅋㅋ_
> 
> _I wish I could describe the look on his face, but maybe that’s my mind telling me to spare the poor guy ㅋㅋ_
> 
> _Anyway, he apologized to us for having disturbed our meal and insisted for me and Dahyunnie to keep it. I can tell you, Sattang, that Dahyunnie was absolutely thrilled to have it because it was chocolate! And then he left our table and we all ended the awkward conversation on a good note._
> 
> _Then Jihyo-ssi, apparently having heard everything, suddenly shouted out loud from behind the counter: “Dahyun-ssi, how does it feel to be secured!?”_
> 
> _Everything was so funny, Sattang, that Dahyun-chan and I were still laughing about it on the way back to work. And even now as I’m writing my day down, I couldn’t stop smiling and laughing about everything because it’s all so silly!! ㅎㅎ_
> 
> _I guess that’s one of the best parts about us, Sattang. I never gave her a reason to be jealous, and apart from that one time with that exchange student, she never gave me a reason to be jealous too. Not voluntarily at least. She’s my person. \\(^~^)/_
> 
> _Next time I’ll tell Jihyo-ssi what it feels like to be secured,_
> 
> _Dahyunnie’s person_

She smiled through blurry eyes, determined now to only let the good memories be the last ones she had in this life.

She put the journal back down, then looked back once more at the sleeping form of _her_ person beside her.

Dahyun was still fast asleep, which was a good sign.

She knew she was breaking her heart, but she also knew that it was what they both needed.

She lifted her hand to trace the outlines of her face.

She tried to memorize everything about her: the way that she breathed, her pouty lips that she loved to kiss, the warmth that she gave off even in her deep slumber.

Sana hoped against all hope that she could take that moment with her to what came next.

The first sign of life peaked out from the world outside their window.

In the horizon, the rising sun was about to greet the setting moon hello and goodbye.

Two entities that meet once a day in their lifetime but never together for a long period of time.

 _Time to go_ , she knew. She accepted.

Then, with one final effort, she leaned up to kiss her on the forehead, then on the nose, then on either side of her cheeks, and, finally, on her lips.

“ _Saranghae_ , Dahyun-chan, _aishiteru,_ ” she professed her love against her lips in every language that she knew.

She stood up, not daring to look back anymore in case it hindered her.

She knew it would hinder her.

So, Sana, as steadily as she could, padded towards the entryway to the closet.

The very marker of her end.

But –

She was about to go when she felt a wet nose nudge her foot.

Sana looked down and saw her son looking up at her, anticipating.

She blinked at him. Once, twice.

He only blinked back in return.

“Ah-ri-ah, how come you’re awake now?” she asked him as she lowered herself down to the floor. Ah-ri, sensing that he was about to be pet by his _okaasan_ , lied down on his back, belly up and anticipating. Sana giggled, giving in to his wishes for a moment before retracting her hand.

She had to go.

She gave her son a small smile, allowing him into her arms. She bent down further to kiss him on top of his forehead. “ _Saranghae_ , Ah-ri-ah,” she mumbled into his fur. “Thank you for being there for me that day. And for being with me now.” She hugged him tightly a bit more, relishing in the last few moments. “I’m going to miss you.”

The dog only buried himself in her arms as if to say, _No, I won’t let you leave._

She cried for him, and, despite her heavy heart, told him that she could not take him with her.

But Ah-ri had other things in mind.

He crawled up to her arms to keep her in any way that he can. _I won’t let you._

An idea came to Sana’s mind then.

 _Maybe this will teach you object permanence_ , she remembered thinking once upon a time.

_I’m sorry, Ah-ri._

“Ah-ri-ah, let’s play our little game, yeah?” She set him down. The dog grinned widely, tongue out in excitement.

She stood up, feigning excitement and acting playfully in front of Ah-ri. The dog’s tail wagged excitedly – a mirror of her expression.

“Okay, Ah-ri, sit down, stay,” she commanded, looking down. She positioned herself at the entryway of the walk-in closet. Ah-ri only looked up, head tilted. “ _Annyeong,”_ she whispered, more to herself than to him.

_One foot behind the wall._

_The other still visible at the doorway._

She braced herself, taking one last glance at the sleeping bundle on the comfortable bed, and down at the anticipating little dog sitting patiently right in front of her.

She blinked back tears, willing herself not to give in.

Then, with a deep breath and one last smile at her son, Sana jumped sideways, completely hiding herself from his field of vision.

In the darkness of the bedroom that was only illumined by the moonlight peeping through the blindfolds, a lone dog sat still, his tail wagging excitedly behind him, in front of an entryway as his _eomma_ slept soundly.

Ah-ri waited.

5 seconds, 10 seconds.

A whole hour.

Birds were heard chirping from outside the window now.

Sunlight had already begun pouring into the once dark bedroom.

The world had woken up again.

Yet Sana never came back out.

Yet, still, he waited.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Truthfully, this chapter was the hardest for me to write even though most of things in here were some of the first ideas I had when I had first thought about the plot for this fic. When I had finally managed to piece it all together in my mind, I knew I couldn't let it go and wrote the remaining parts until 3AM.  
> And now, we've finally come full circle. Thank you to everyone who read this from the beginning and even patiently waited for me as I collected my thoughts and put my messy ideas into writing. We have one last part left for the epilogue. Again, thank you!


End file.
